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Saturday, May 4, 2013

Where do I go from here?

D asked me for 4 months to see if I could possibly want to be with him anymore. I have made it through a bit over two weeks and I am amazed at how much hurt I really have. I am remembering things from years ago and I am still angry. Not just mad but outright pissed. I don't see me ever forgiving him enough to want to spend what little is left of my life with him but I didn't have the heart to say no. Probably because I needed rest and with the father of my kids here, it has allowed me to rest after two months of being everything to everyone. I thought it would get easier when the kids grew but they need more now than ever. I spent yesterday cooking and on the phone to straightened G's mess out. She has court this week and I am not sure how it is going to work out. I just do not want to deal with probation. This month is also the month of follow up. All those fabulous dentist appts just led to more appt's and now I am working through all the cavities with more 3 hour dental days. Since I am blaming everything on me I might as well take on the guilt about not getting them there sooner.

Anyway, at the end of 4 months, he has agreed to file without giving me any grief. Please let that remain the case. I really don't need any more aggravation. And I really like being single. I like the idea of dating, something for me and not just settling. I wonder how those dating sites work. Not that I can see me selling myself. Too insecure for that and I am not looking to just find someone for "stress relief". I want a real relationship where I am loved beyond reason. Somewhere out there is the person I am really supposed to be with. He just isn't the man who is here now.