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Saturday, November 23, 2013

Always bad news?

I have spent as little time as possible these last two weeks focusing on what needs to be done, getting a schedule in place for L and the rest of the kids since their report cards were so bad. I have tutoring scholarships to fill out, school enrollment paperwork, social securty, court papers (divorce is rediculously long to accomplish and FL does not offer legal separation.) and every other thing that comes home with 7 kids from whatever they are working on. Child rearing is lots of work. I had proposed to D that we could co parent but not be together but the only way he is going to get over me is if he is away from me. He should be able to leave as soon as the judge signs off. It has been a month since he put in his request. It will make it easier on me so I am not trying to hide phone calls to lawyers and the loads of paperwork I have been filing. Oh and leagal aid dropped me so I am having to go pro se -- this means more trips to Bartow. And I am not holding my breath on my license. I figure it is going to take at least 4 months before they review and decide. This IS FL. And another thing--Terminix is wanting to tent my house for 4 grand. Sure, I'll just take it out of the bank. PLEASE, it was all I could do to budget the regular service and now they want to charge me $400 a mo. I am going to put cock roach eradication on my list and buy the chemicals myself. So the list grows and grows. I'd better stop since I already have a paper list and was hoping to take at least a half a day off.

Through all this, thoughts of H woke me. It is 4 in th emorning and I am looking at her highschool senior picture. It makes me so sad. I am so glad she is out of pain but the pain she has left behind is unconsionable. I am trying not to dwell and I am using all my own advice. I blogged enough about suicide recovery to know that I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I can only make the rest of my life as pleasant as possible and that is removing those things that make me unhappy. C has told me so many times to be strong and it comes and goes. R reminded me that I have a set back but I am strong enough to overcome it after I have been gentle with myself for the need to mourn or be depressed. My episodes are getting fewer--at least I hope that is what I am seeing. I think the suicide msg boards and the necessity to learn about my son's diability has kept me focused. Not to mention, I have to sit at the computer rather than use my notebook in my bed. I need to stay out of bed unless it is with someone I am spending time with.....on that front. I really cannot return any mesages I have gotten becasue D still believes he owns me. SERVE him already! Since words mean nothing. Sadly, I do feel badly for him since he had such a shitty life HOWEVER I allowed him to nearly destroy me. The empty shell is being filled again and it has nothing to do with him. How does "I just want to be friends" sound? How about I just want to be exes and have you pay me child support if you can keep a job. Oh yeah, he lost another one. No energy to laugh even though I called it. Six weeks, he claims but I am sure it was less. Life is flying by.

"It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered and may never stop missing their loved ones, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives."

I will be placing her on this memorial wall too. I need to come up with 250 words for a "message" and Alphaville Forever Young is the song I will forever connect with her. Now for that tattoo. I have to reschedule and make the time. Since I did not get the one year anniversary of her death to complete it, I am trying for her birthday.

It is time to truly make my life meaningful. No more just getting by. Right now I am working at a better relationship with my kids. My love life (or lack thereof) can come latter, if at all. G pointed out that I do not trust so I need to work on that too. I keep people at arms length and now that I don't have my mom to talk to I have been calling Amy and Aunt Phyllis. In my despair, I believed I had noone but in reality, I am the one pushing people away and it has got to stop. Otherwise I am going to end up the crazy cat lady.

Another board I need to log into.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

My new endeavor. ASPERGER'S

After trying to get my children the tutoring help they need, I also must add the study of Asperger's Syndrome to my area of expertise. This is best done with a separate blog. I have done some research but there is much to learn. Today is the Behavioral Therapist in Orlando. She will become part of my life as his visits are scheduled every two weeks. Speech therapy is Tuesday and Friday. Yesterday's IEP appointment did not reassure me but the verdict must remain out or nothing wiwll be accomplished. I am trying to not be quick to judge even though I have been trying to get an appt since SEPT. OKAY then. New blog.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Suicide recovery. . . grief goes on

Some people dwell on the past, some plan for the future and others will struggle to get through today…

Two weeks of bed and tears necessitated research on suicide--probably becausce the thought has passed through my own mind more times than I care to admit while I poured out angst I did not know I still had inside. I placed Holly's name on the Suicide Memorial Wall this morning and joined a British suicide board to connect with others. (Since I loath crowds of people, life is safer behind the computer.)

I am not sure when it will show up as it has to be reviewed but I will be watching my email. Actually, it is now up:

Our, Holly Ann Davis (37)
14 February 1975 -
12 July 2012
Yarmouth, Massachusetts

I also sent in information to Collateral Damage. This is a project to photojournal the faces of those left behind.

“Collateral Damage: Images of Those Left Behind by Suicide,” will be a book of portraits, a website and gallery exhibition, telling the stories of people who have lost loved ones through suicide. When I was 16, my father took his own life. Although I have always been honest and open about how he died, I often felt I was left to deal with my pain and recovery in solitude - my grief paralyzed by the social stigma associated with such an act. Even now, 27 years later, I still have so many questions.
Through this book of images, I hope to find some answers and at the very least, start a long, overdue conversation.

Where am I today? I am bereaved. Suicide is so evil because while one is in the moment, no other alternatives seem viable.

There is also this: the person you are most angry with for taking your loved one away is your loved one. They are, in a strange way, the only one to blame. This incongruent despair mixes with destructive self-blame and blame directed at anyone we feel responsible—for not seeing the signs, not being home at the time, not making sure our loved one took their medication, not keeping medication locked up.

The expression “time heals everything” does not often apply to suicide survivors. The bereavement process is complicated not only by the natural feelings of grief and loss, but by the guilt and the stigma associated with suicide.

"I am a suicide survivor. Mistakenly, many think the term refers to people who have unsuccessfully attempted suicide. The term actually refers to a family member or friend who has lost a loved one to suicide.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 38,364 people committed suicide in the United States in 2010 (the most recent statistic available)—a figure greater than the number of people in the U.S. who died in car crashes that year.

It is generally estimated that every suicide leaves behind six suicide survivors. The New York State Office of Mental Health says this may be a low estimate, and quotes numbers closer to 28 suicide survivors per suicide victim.

When those numbers are compounded, “since, on average, 1,200 New Yorkers die by suicide each year, the latter estimate means approximately 60,000 people qualify as suicide survivors each and every year. This is equivalent to the population of the city of Utica.”

So what do we all do? We search one another out. We share the thoughts that people untouched by suicide just do not understand. Hell, we don't even understand it! If I did, I would not ocntinue to get a grip. I found this 12 step for grieving suicide:

Step One: Try to gain insight into why people I knew and loved took their own lives.

Step Two: Share my feelings of guilt over not being able to stop them.

Step Three: Listen to others' heart-wrenching stories.

Step Four: Cry.

Steps Five through Twelve: Repeat steps one through four.

And that is how I am coping.

Holly, your baby turned 16 last month. I bet she wished you were there. I know I wish you were.