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Friday, May 31, 2013


I have been actively working on ways to pay for my tattoo. It is so very important to me and I am sure the artist understands my constant barage. What I have been able to find is the following:

Ebates. After buying a computer that I am still paying for, I joined ebates to get 1 percent back on my Walmart purchase of the following bundle.

The printer is key. As for laptops--seeing as I like to smash things when I am in fury, I figured the cheaper the better. And the flash drive will hold my photos so I don't have to figure out where to keep them safe. Perfect. Now how can I build that check some more??

WTF and none of the links even showed up. Blogger and I are having an issue today. First photobucket ans now this


checking this out


Learning photobucket photostream today. This could take a while.

hadabaddream's  album on Photobucket

Success!!! Amelia graduates 6th grade this year. She is looking lovely in pink tulle and converve hightops. She made the Honor role and received an award for a Vietnam history fair project--only one of two given out. I attended the event since only 3 ticket were allowed per family. We went to the Cherry Pocket in Lake Wales following the ceremony. Kudos to A for a year well done! Now we have the homeschoolers.. . . ..

Monday, May 27, 2013

Grief and the BRAIN...dealing continues

“Activity—any activity—helps against sadness. You take up life’s reins again. When you do something, you engage your brain and deprive it of the opportunity to go down thought’s darker paths.”

—Stefan Klein, The Science of Happiness

I continue to grieve but chose to fill my weekend as best I could. I hope all my children saw was normality. Again that word that never can truly apply to my life. I will settle on an attempt at normality. I found myself pensive here and there but pulled myself back. I want my tattoo artist to have a drama free night rather than a blithering, swollen eyed mess to deal with. How wonderful that the unravelling is happening with time for me to pull myself together for a difficult day. So the need to process draws me here. What have I been learning about this "process" and its many aspects?

After an eight day headache and crying until my eyes swelled, I continue to work out the emotional catastrophe surrounding my loss. How irrevocable the change in my life is is daunting to face and I find it necessary to switch to a scientific look at what is happening in my brain. I am amazed at the studies that have been done and will give a grueling (just kidding) look at the amygdala and its surrounding biochemical feedback system associated with grief. I also scanned a few studies on the use of alcohol on the same system but that is for another time.

"Although there was increased brain activity in many regions associated with sadness, they also had much less activity in the brain region associated with emotion, motivation, and attention – the amygdala."

And thus starts the lesson.

(I just question, "if it is in my brain, then why does my heart hurt so much?")

And a call from a crying mother just ended the research for a moment or four.

And, sadly I cannot find the seminal research I read on the subject as I was using my tablet in my room to surf the web. Unsure of the engine I was using. The saga continues.

A weekend with 8. . . .

Here we GGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Not Neverland but a shot in time. Memorial day weekend 2013

Friday night. Off to Old Town.

The ride into the storm cloud

The orange chicken I insisted I needed.

The lavender soap I paid too much for.

The smile that says I am going to have a good time if it kills me.


The picture of the moon that lost me my rechargeable batteries thanks to being clumsy. Is that full???

Saturday was spent in the pool and after shopping and managing to feed the house for a week on very little money, we swam, and swam. Frankie celebrated birthday number 7 and the pictures need to be fetched from G's phone.

When I was done swimming, T thought I needed to go in again:

Truth be told, the booger deserved to be thrown in and rather than finish undressing, I took him with me as I tackled him. He thought it way too fun.

And Sunday

At the lake Eva, waiting for the house to air out after setting off 16 Spectracide bombs in 1600(???) square feet. I still woke to a kitchen covered in the resilient buggers, so much work! Time for an exterminator at whatever the cost. After cleaning for hours, it was back to church for a celebration and multicultural food. (I was not cooking in the kitchen even if it was the only room that actually had all the chemicals washed down.)

Very Long day. Today: WE CLEAN. I look at all the photos that have to go up for the evaluations and it just causes anxiety.
And recipes.....oh the cooking we have done! And as day ends, G will be going to her program. I am glad she got to experience everyone together before she leaves. I think that might be where my biggest anxiety lies. She will be in Orlando and not so close as to be able to visit often. Maybe I need to learn the bus system. I think I will add that to my list. Even on the cusp of a license, I fear driving that van much. It does not have much life left.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Dealing with grief

I have spent the last day grieving all sorts of loss, but with the anniversary of the first year approaching more rapidly than I would like, I am left with so many unanswered questions. It is not helping (or is it) that I am past the period of shock--that time that is supposed to last 2-3 months after the loss to protect a person from the emotional suffering when someone (the individual) loves is taken away. This natural, healthy process took the form of me running to another man to escape the reality of what was happening. My focus became being in love rather than losing a sibling. Yes, I cried during the initial days but I did not feel true grief. I was protecting myself from being overwhelmed. I have moved beyond shock.

Intense concern is not being able to think about anything else. Every single day I think of her. Pictures litter my house. I recently came across a photo taken at Pirates of the Carribean where H and I dressed up and had our photo taken with the pirate prop. That was the last trip I took as a family to Disney. I remember showing up at the house after being out all night tripping on acid to pack a bag and jump on a plane. We had a great time, from what little I can recall. It was so very long ago. Always talking about her is normal right now. Calling myself normal is a stretch but I am trying to process this and have to grasp at any positive I can find. According to sources, this last 6 months to a year. I am approaching that year mark and am straddling this and depression and despair. Having taken myself off my medication, I am trying to feel where the depression of the loss ends and true biochemical imbalance begins. I have yet to find it.

I think the most important advice I have come across is this: "It's your grief! Claim it. Experience it. Surrender to your grief. And don't let anyone take away your right to it."

My big issue seems to be anger, anger that someone who has shared a lifetime with me is gone. We girls were supposed to comfort one another with the loss of our parents.

ANGER -- Anger is a "biggie", almost universally experienced by all who grieve. It is perfectly normal and understandable for you to feel white-hot rage at the horrible injustice that has befallen you.

You may be mad at:
---Your lost loved one (for leaving you... especially in cases of suicide)
---The situation (such as a drunk driver)
---The doctors (for not saving her)
---God (for allowing this to happen)
---The whole world ('nuff said)

Now how to let the anger out with out taking out on everyone. Even a hard swim yesterday did nothing for how angry I was. I still am. And I am angry at me for being angry. (And I am bleeping pissed right now that I am having porn popups show while I am trying to process my grief.)

Not so reasurring is that when I am in need of social support the most, none is available. D is trying to comfort, but I do not want to be touched, hugged. Let me cry and stay out of my space.

Attractive and I will post this ugliness lest I ever forget this pain.

I think that is all I can handle right now. Actually, I am certain of it. I need to baby myself today. Try, anyway. I am sure D will suggest going out so I am not staring at the same walls, even if there is a pool. I will have to politely decline. Much politer than the send off he got this morning. But, as I heard something to the effect once that if someone cannot accept and love you during the bad then they don't deserve you during the good times, I shall simply be grateful that he is willing to just accept what I must go through and not try to change the process. But, rather, allow me the space to figure out what the process is.

"You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair".

-- Old Chinese Proverb

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Oh it is not getting any easier

I started this blog for homeschooling and to present to the evaluator for I and E's work. Instead it has become so much more. I don't want to write in a diary anymore.

I just read two messages from Holly on FB that were sent in 2009. She really hated me. Get in line? I want my Grandma!!! I want to cry on her shoulder like I used to. I want her to hug me and tell me everything will be alright even though it may not be. There is no one left. I have kids that hate me, a husband that wants to work out my marriage and I am emotionally unavailable. When I want to talk to someone I come here because the word "friend" is so very empty. It has no meaning in the context of my life. I am so lonely, all I can do is cry. My family has been torn asunder by death and illness so my problems are nothing to anyone but me. I have a pain in my chest that just gets tighter and tighter until I gasp for breath. The infilling of my lungs just reminds me that I am tired of breathing. I am not really living, I am existing. How can anyone feel so much pain and still function? How do I get rid of the pain? How do I fix this? What is there to fix??? I am tired of pretending and I am tired of lies. I am tired of believing the best of people only to be screwed over. I am just tired and I need to get over it.

When I used to have two sisters.....

Why can't I just start over? I was trying to and now I am letting my ghosts rule my thoughts. Those three happy, beautiful, young girls. What happened to them?

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Holly tattoo in planning

This is how delicate I would like ti to look. Berries are the ovaries of the plant. The blossom is the potential.

I am not sure of how many spikes on the leaves but I do know that the tow tattoos I have seen, do not do justice to the branch. They do not curve....

with this I should be able to get an idea of what I want. Now to forward yet more photos to this poor, unsuspecting woman.

When I get confused it is like....

*SOB* I promised myself so much and now I am feeling like I want to flounder again and run away. It comes from nowhere.---No it comes from my gut. Something is telling me something is wrong and I cannot fix it! I cannot fix anything anymore and I am feeling impotent. This is going to be such a tough week. It has already started out difficult and the cleansing of the rain last night is not a solace.


I am sitting on the back porch enjoying the rain: the thunder is in the distance. There is something refreshing and new in each drop of rainbow even if they appear grey. The distant thunder is moving closer, in longer rushing air masses or just heavy wind--synonyms? The smell is clean, a chlorine clean but clean--I can feel the release of the pressure in the left side of my face and the thought of swimming in this danger is appealling but irresponsible. If there were not a house of kids I would. I am so tempted.

I am moving back inside where I have been listening through my open slider since the storm started. I was yelling kids out of the room--ineffectively. I just heard the familiar cry "MOM!" and my brief interlude ends.

Back in the confines of bed the smell of candles and incense negate the smell of the rain. So far less primeval. Back from the edge of nature.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Blog from paper

I wrote with pen today:

and now I cannot find the notebook I wrote on.

Found it. "I thought I would try something different and write before I typed to see where my thoughts take me(it is evident that I type better when not transposing from paper) I am going to avoid talking about men since C says I am too wrapped up in them and need to love myself. I feel like "Bridget goddess" right now with the extra weight, lying in bed with an almost dry book on lectures. Maybe that is where this ends--the lectures. Discussion has moved from geneology to geology and evolution of the gargoyle from rain spout to decoration . Ahh Medieval France. My ability to write is becoming limited by the lack of use of my writing muscles. Evolution toward Adaption? Simple keyboard use rewiring my synapses?? Hackers fingers? And on it goes"

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Movie in the park.

This was the movie I did not watch last night at the new Kissimmee lake side park. I hope to GOD that is the right trailer for I am not in the mood for editing. Since I had spend the majority of the day in a Nightquil haze, I was rather sleepy and did my best to hang as long as I could. Being a mom is not a burden, I am telling myself, and me there sick as I was was better than me absent. My kids didn't spend much time with me. The park was better than the movie so we packed up by 9:18 and I was asleep as soon as I hit the bed.

This is what I found so funny:

when Ben was so well insulated from any bumps lest the items in the Burley crushed him.

G is blurry. Lets fix that.

The view and weather was perfect for a night out. I am about to take Nightquil dose one for I coughed all night. One might think a trip to the Dr would be a good idea. I swam in the pool when it was cloudy and since I am blaming every malady on it, then my onset of head cold hell has got to be swimming related. I am not allergic to my grandchildren like D informs me. Indeed today they turn one. The party is at 2:00 and I will be bringing decorations over prior. The plan to have a yard sale has come to a grinding halt because I am simply tired and really owe my body a rest.

My recommendation for the day is Folgers singles. They are a positively stellar idea over instant coffee. I am not a coffee expert, tea is more my thing, but I think they are great to have on hand to make a near perfect cup of fresh coffee.

Third cup and my scratchy, sore throat is not screaming for tea. That's new and different.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

What is worse: the dead kitten or Darwin's mistake?

I cannot believe what has been coming up since I started my book. It began with a visit to Darwin's home in England and although I have not searched for a picture, there is one in the book. Now I am learning that he has made a mistake about his pothesis on coral atoll formation. I do not think it changes his standing in my book but once doubt about a scienetist's efficacy start they tend to inundate all thinking.

He is still an amazing man even though disputes still arise about his natural selection. I wonder if that is what was happening last night.....I stepped on one of the kitten's heads and we had to comfort it as best we could while it seized and died. There was noting that could be done. I hope Bug understands. This morning the four babies all came charging out of G's room with their mom. Maybe they sense danger? Whatever the case, and even thought it is just a kitten I probably would not keep, I am terribly sad for the loss. All the more so being there for it's death. I don't want I to feel badly because it was an accident so I need to stop tearing up. I promised myself that I would let it go as I type. I am just going to spend more time today enjoying kitten loves for life is so fragile. Just one more lesson to enjoy every moment, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Rest well kitty.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Another full day...

HMMM, and it has just started. I am really unhappy with everything. I wish I was not wise to the world for it was so much nicer being ignorant. Apparently there is a group of kids in my neighborhood who steal things like stereos from cars. I and A got caught out after curfew and arrested. Then they were questions extensively. I could not help but point out the detective's very BAD attitude and explained to him if he wished to speak to my daughter he had best change it (the attitude, that is) He made the mistake of saying "I don't have to be respectful to suspects of crimes. They are criminals" WRONG I replied "So what you are saying is that if one is suspected of a crime they become subhuman--unworthy of being spoken to rather than yelled at." His reply was "I don't believe this" and very exastperated when I told him he was done speaking to my daughter in the accusing tone of voice and that he would not be allowed access to A. Period. Police don't like me but I am of the understanding that people have rights under the Declaration that allow life, liberty, pursuit of happiness but mainly that all men are created equal and afforded the same protections wether or not a suspect. So now I am dealing with both I and A being charged with what ever. I am sure I will find out soon enough. I am fed up with police issues. They annoy the hell out of me. I will be grateful to have this all behind me.

My home is a house divided still. I am trying so hard to just make it trough the days without being miserable that D is here. Not that it matters overly much since I guess I really hurt J beyond repair. I certainly will pay far more attention to my actions in the future. Right now, though I am gaining strength each day and becoming more capable of being the care giver. D is barely here, which limits argument time and he is looking around for a place to live. I know pride cometh before the fall and I am not trying to be boastful but I am amazed at how my thinking is changing and how my priorities have become less selfish and more altruistic. That does not mean any more teens are allowed over. The neighborhood kids have taken enough from me and I remain forever trusting. Or I was trusting, now I am going to be suspicious of everyone since I was informed by the police that this area is the equivalent of the inner city but with nicer houses. Oh J, I guess, since he has uncircled me that he really is not interested. When I think about it too much I still get this twinge that goes through my body. How can I miss someone that I never truly had? It boggles me to no end how grief works and I am processing so much grief. I keep saying I will research how to mend a broken heart but I cannot get my fingers to type it in google for I am afraid I won't believe what I am reading. Supposedly my heart will go on. That is what the song claims. But maybe it won't. What then? Am I going to be one of those old ladies that has a million cats because I cannot relate to people and I will die and not be found for weeks because no one cares? Yup, that is the bleak future I am facing. I need to get over being 43 and divorced. I never thought I would actually do it and now it so evident that this is how my future is going to play out.

Now something to make you smile--or me smile before I get back to my Brain book.....

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Ninja of the Night

This is what thought she was.

This is the reality when she was picked up at the JAC.

And this is me wondering WTF!!!!! I swear to God I have read every book on child rearing I can find and NONE cover the issues I am dealing with.