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Monday, April 14, 2014

WHAT am I thinking?

I am one very confused human being.  I will have one aspect of my life working and another falling apart--and not just crumbling but disinergrating.  I think I want to do what is for the better good but I always end up screwing myself.  No, I am not always first.  10 people have beat me out.  And not of those ten are going on any vacation this summer.  I finally realized that I was expected to buy 4 tickets and get my girls up North so they can have a break.  WHAT!!???  I may still have my ticket from when I missed H3's memorial so that cost is negated.  I's car will be on the Cape so no need to rent.  H2 and I can share.  The best part of all this is she said she likes to spend her time alone.  The answer "That is what I intended.  I need to be alone with all of this for I have allowed it to fester even if I have post after post of healing."  It is time to mourn and mourn hard.  Just make it until July and fall apart as far away from family I as I can be.

And I am filing for cusody of  the girls while I am married otherwise dad with think I am not thinking straight.  As far as everyone is concerned, life here is great.  For years I have hidden and I can hide again until I am finished with the "list".  Just act pleasant and fake.  I can fake it.  I have managed for three years wanting to be with someone else and never being able to have him.  A few more months of this then another year of getting over him and I will be okay.

Denise showed up on Friday and decided she was moving in with me because she is getting divorced.  She slept on and ruined my couch then was informed that I cannot have people living with me any more. I grew up with it and I don't want it.  It is unhealthy.  She has taken her luggage home.  I am to kind and no matter how nasty I can be when hurt, I will always be too kind.  Thank you D for telling her to leave because I need a backbone.  FL people just take advantage.  ALL of them that I have tried to help when I cannot even help myself.  Therapy is done.  Now I am doing my therapist's Bankruptcy petition.  WTF! I have been more help to her than she has been to me.  I continue to need assertiveness training.  A support group for Aspergers would be nice that isn't 30 miles away.  D is not support and I think he sucks as a parent.  Yes, he takes them places but he knows nothing, has learned nothing and does not listen.  It has all been my way?  REALLY?  It was my way when I was being systimatically destroyed?  I hate facing that there can be no true reconciliation.  Too much damage.  I wanted a normal family life and I got this.  Somew I allowed, some snuck in but the result is just an uncomfortable existence and Iwant better.  Sorry D, I did it to you again.  Trying ot follow the advice of those who supposedly know better.  Can't do it.

Matches my mood as usual.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

New French Bread recipe

UPDATE:  This recipe may be good if one follows the directions exactly.  Something was lost from A's lack of thorough reading and the end result

Italian bread is the greatest, all-versatile bread you can make. It can be served at lunch or dinner. You can make delicious hoagies with it or turn it into pizza bread. At breakfast, Italian bread is perfect for scooping up the egg yellow on your plate and, when sliced thin, it can be used to make delicious little French toasts.
Yield: 2 loaves

Prep Time: 1 hour

Cook Time: 25 minutes

Total Time: 1 hour, 25 minutes


  • 1 Tbsp sugar
  • 2 tsp salt
  • 1 Tbsp or 2 pkg. (1/2 oz.) active dry yeast
  • 1-3/4 cups warm water, 95 to 110 degrees F
  • 1 Tbsp soft butter or margarine
  • 5 cups bread or high gluten flour, about
  • 1 egg white
  • 1 Tbsp cold water


  1. In large bowl, stir together sugar, salt, yeast, and water. Stir in soft butter. Mix in enough flour to make a soft dough that can be kneaded by hand. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 8 minutes, adding more flour if necessary, until the dough is soft and not sticky. Place dough in greased medium bowl and flip dough over so that the top is also lightly greased. Cover with a clean kitchentowel and let set for 30 minutes in a warm, draft-free place.
  2. Grease large baking sheet. Sprinkle baking sheet with coarse cornmeal, if desired. Remove dough from bowl onto lightly floured table and divide into 2 equal parts. Roll each dough half into a 15 X 9-inch rectangle. Tightly roll dough along the 15-inch side. Pinch seams and taper the ends of each loaf. Place loaves on baking sheet. Cover and let rise in warm, draft-free place for only 20 minutes.
  3. Preheat oven 425 degrees F. Make 3 deep diagonal slashes on each loaf. Bake bread for 20 minutes. Lightly beat egg white and cold water in small bowl. Remove loaves from oven, brush with watered egg, and return to oven for another 5 minutes. Serve bread warm or cold.

Suicide does not stop the pain....(borrowed)

Thank you to my online support of the Friends of suicide yahoo group
by Kevin Caruso
If you are suicidal, you are in pain. In agonizing pain. And probably have untreated depression.

####This was in my inbox. Very simple but true. Ochman's hammer, if you will.

If you are suicidal, you are probably in agonizing pain. But the important question is, how do you stop the pain?

Let me start with what you should not do. You should not magnify the
pain. That may seem obvious, but let me explain further. You see, if
you die by suicide,
the pain that you were feeling gets transferred to your loved ones and
is strongly intensified. So the pain is not eliminated, it gets worse.
Much worse. Unbearably worse.

So do not magnify the pain with dying by suicide.

And if you die by suicide, you will not feel relief from the pain,
because relief is only felt by the living. So you must make a commitment to stay
alive--no matter what--and work on diminishing the pain that you are
If you are suicidal, you probably are suffering from depression, and
depression is highly treatable. So if you have not seen a medical
doctor or a therapist, you need to do so

Depression causes a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that imbalance
needs to be rectified. Sometimes medicine needs to be administered,
just like medicine would be administered for any other illness. So
receiving a prescription or taking medication should not be a worry. It is not a big deal. But suicide is a very, very big deal.
Again, dying by suicide does not get rid of pain, it makes it much
worse. And you do not feel relief, because you need to be alive to feel that relief.

So stay alive. And never, under any circumstance, end your life.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Oh to update and to not really want to

So much has happened since I have thought to post--so much changing in my life. As usual, I balk at change. Yet, I foresee a much happier future with change.

I spoke to H yesterday and she prefaced a comment with do not flip out and scream at me. I was able to answer I don't do that much and the conversation remained pleasant and I remained humble. This is new for me for life has shown me so much in such a short amount of time. I am still not doing enough. There is so much information and I should be processing an sharing. I should be more active in something other than ...what I am saying is I am not doing anything for my soul yet and that needs to happen. I am trying to run lives that no longer need to be run and to figure the rest out for the system is failing me--public school. I want to move on and not be a teacher. I want a job that has nothing to do with kids so I am not burned out.

Okay, I will be ready after school vaca for my cliff notes business course. And Today I take T for ice cream. Just him and me. Help me get through to him.

Is broke my camera. I don't see her replacing it so no photos here until I locate the memory card for bowling pictures--the maybe 4 I got.....

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Holly's story

My baby sister was born February 14, 1975 to a middle class Cape Cod family. We didn't grow up with an abundance but we had the beach and life was safe. She loved and looked up to me and I can remmeber trying to get her to leave me and my friends alone during the summer months. I wish now that I had not been so selfish. I think this is why it bothers me terribly now when my kids are not getting along. She was the baby of the family and was considered the baby for years. I remember the day I yelled at mum asking when she would no longer be the baby anymore. I just did not understand motherhood or the feelings associated with the last child. I do now. When I think about it, she was my baby too. I would often get up and change her in the morning, playing until mum woke. Yes, she was the baby.

Like all babies, she grew and grew. The funniest memory I have was when Heather and I tried to tackle her and she has us both pinned. We were both laughing so hard we could not fight back. This was when we reached our teens and although I am 6 years older, we all became great friends. God, I miss that time. I moved out and had two babies. Holly was always there, babysitting, and being a companion to me--she was my best friend. But I went away to school and she went away for drinking--when she came home, she hated me. I am sure there is much more to it but we were never close again. Marriages followed and then her divorce from the love of her life. He was relentless in torturing her, taking her into court at least 11 times to take her kids from her. The day before he was to succeed, she hung herself. Sadly, not even a year had passed since she found her new husband hanging in the garage three weeks after they married. I now know one person every 13 minutes dies from suicide and there are 8-25 attempts per death. Staggering.

I found out she was gone by those very words uttered by my husband. "Heidi, Holly is gone." Since she had four previous attemtps since the death of her husband, my brain clicked to rapid realization. I wish there was some confusion and it was really a mistake. Depression is rampant in my family as is alcohol abuse. Coupled they are lethal. Having barely survived an attempt on my own life I have just realized this is when she started hating me. The pain of the one that wants to die is far reaching and so many are affected. How have I survived the death of my sister when there was so much unfinished between us? I blog. I research. I try to involve myself in support groups but I am not there yet. I have to deal with this pain doing what I am doing now. And I cry. I cry for what is lost and I cry for what could have been. Always maudlin and dealing with her birthday yesterday makes me very vulnerable right now. I don't share the pain enough, I suppose and I thought I was doing well. Today, not so much. I am grieveing and it is a process. Next will be activism.

You are missed, dear sister.

***** This is a post to be submstted for publication. Anything found in error, please let me know

Facts About Suicide and Depression
Figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for the year 2010.


Over 38,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.
In 2010 (latest available data), there were 38,364 reported suicide deaths.
Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the United States.
Currently, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
A person dies by suicide about every 13.7 minutes in the United States.
Every day, approximately 105 Americans take their own life.
Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but three times as many females as males attempt suicide.
There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides for every suicide death.

Anniversary, birthdays and death

Tomorrow is the 14th and she should be celebrating, not ashes in a box. The pain has not lessened and the tears have not stopped. I hurt and can't escape. H2 may talk to everyone about her suicide but I close off. I want to close down because this life is not what I expected. My life has been a waste.

Fast forward--Yesterday was the 14th and I was going to get a tattoo and visit Spill. H2 could not fit me in and my house has the plague. The probelm with so many sick is that there is no getting ahead of the germs. How did I cope? I slept the day away with Amelia beside me. The bug has been debilitating--and messy.

Mum, dad G and the kids have arrived on the Cape. This, too is going to be ugly. M finally stepped up but this, too, is going to be a catastrophe. I cannot find anything good in anything right now and was just told that I think the world owes me a living. I want it to take my "living" away so somone has it wrong. Kick me when I am down. All the men in my life do.

So I am done, done with caring, done with trying and done with feeling the pain I feel regularly. What I am going to do about it, I have no idea but I had better come up with something. I am already dead inside. I loath depression.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Catching my breath..... and looking back

Left: The Franklins: M (doing what he loved) and G(8th grade Jr prom)
Right: The Dowlings: G (Montessori) and I (preschool photo day)

Yes, after today I want to look back for a moment and allow that warm, fuzzy feeling of how wonderful my kids are to wash all over me. (Positive affirmations for parents of teens...)

Well, this was started hours and hours ago. I have had a catastriphic failure in google chrome on one computer and then (becasue I don't have enough to do) after removing the memory cards and replacing them in the other computer, it is now making a sick sound (like the red ring of death for the x box but it is yellow. Fortunately towers are cheap. I have been fixing these for several years and only my caonfidence that it can't be that hard has keptthem going. To think I laughed at those who took computer science in College. My egocentrism even boggles me. How far we fall. Anyway. Digression after running to Walmart to get diapers for my darling grandbabies. They have diarrheal--Walmart does not carry medication for this ailment for babies. And their behinds are raging.

So where is the breath catching?????? I have been doing laundry becasue well, we have throw up too. I have showered mroe than once and have had my hands and feet in substances I would rether not think about in too much detail. All the while, my cry was"I am done with this!" Then Ben pooped his pants. (the same pair I just stepped on in the laundry room--vivid, huh?)

So rather than crawl into bed at almost 6 am I am relisting ebay items in my store. This has been a lesson in economics.

It is hours later. First I spilt milk with no tears. Next, I am testing out new bears since Cottonball needs to be retired. And the beautiful Ben --hoping my picts came out.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sunday in bed......

I have been a support group "groupie" with my sister's suicide and L's diagnosis. But, I don't feel it is helping. I really prefer to work things out on my own which is why I push so many away. I start to type the issue and I lose interest half way through. I feel like it has all been covered before. Maybe not by me but by SOMEONE. I have to take large breaks when dealing with all the information on both subjects. I wonder what I am going to be hit with next? I am realizing that it is near impossible for me to live on the limited money that comes into the house.

I am trying to work on my ebay store today and find I am simply not interested. Needing to actually WORK--UGH. Yet, I am considering more training so I can get a job. No more babies puts me in position to work. Plus I will have the ability to drive and have no excuse.....

Okay so I am looking for an excuse not to have to deal with people and I come up with the fact that E's school is getting rid of 5th grade and she will have to go to middle school. She is so tiny and asks me repeatedly to be homeschooled. I have researched and know my kids so I am at odds. They loath homework and two are in Saturday school. I cannot add any more to my schedule if I want time to shower. I cannot remember the last time I left the house to do something that has nothing to do with kids. It is either school issues or doctor's appointments. I wish I had realized how hard it is to raise children when I was having them.

Mum and dad are in FL right now and will be here until they file their taxes. This will be the last year I will be filing a tax return without my name on it. I will have to let the government take my check for my student loans that are in default. It is sad that I have to even worry about it--if I were not "disabled" there would not be an issue. Anyway, I do have the degree so I might as well pay for it.

Monday, January 20, 2014

what will we do for love?

I wonder. Love of what? Sex? Money? Children? Spouse? or some other love that takes over te senses.
Well what is love? I need to know before it is too late.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
sexual passion or desire.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

I have definitely felt love. And I have felt Jelousy. I'd rather love but sometimes it isn't so easy which brings to mind anger.

In Greek mythology, Lyssa (Greek: Λύσσα; called Lytta (Λύττα) by the Athenians) was the spirit of mad rage, frenzy and rabies in animals. She was closely related to the Maniae, the goddesses of madness and insanity. Her Roman equivalent was variously named Ira, Furor, or Rabies. Sometimes she was multiplied into a host of Irae and Furores.

Seems about right. I seem inflicted with the spirit of Lyssa. I wonder if there is a medication for that.

Myles visited yesterday. Plans were hatched and Gi is on her way home. It is dependent on which car she wants to drive North as to when she goes. Either way, Myles leaves tomorrow. He has enjoed his stay with my sister as well as enjoying H's wine bar. Too bad Patriots lost :(.

Today is Dr Harrison so the boys ar with D in Orlando. I will not predend I am not going to miss him taking everyone everywhere. Lord knows I have the worste sense of direction and am far better off not being behind the wheel. My key chains is ready for car keys, though. I will probably drive the car my parents gave the girls since neither one has a license. On my list: insurance.

so back to love. I am sure I blocked a big part of my heart off. Maybe that is why I feel like a hand is squeezing my chest. Once intermittent, now a constant tightening.
but what will we do for love?

Make a complete fool of ourselves drunk and otherwise. It is sadder sober becasue it means that you've reached bottom. That is about it.

On a more positive note: 18 trains was not too many trains for Christmas and the #300.00 I earned selling on ebay so I broke even. Now to add the crane and roundhouse.... Ben's Birthday is coming soon!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

How dreams hurt

I woke this morning. It was a wedding I was attending--a wedding planned by Heather. I was unhappy with the dress and decided to not be in the wedding. I then went to look for H3. I looked everywhere, I could not find her. I cried out for heaven to help me and there was silence. The lump in the back of my throat released and I woke completely sobbing. There is no escape from the pain of the loss. I can beg "please give me one more chance to tell her how very much she is loved." Please give me one more chance to sing at the top of our lungs to Billy Joel. Please give me one more chance to tell her how proud I am of her and how very much I love her. Please. I am shattered and I am not sure I will ever heal. It has been said I will not recover from this even though I tried to put it all in perspective. There is no fucking perspective. There is no catagory for this type of pain. There is no understanding. Give me relief or give me a way out. I do not laugh anymore. It is hard to smile. I hurt everywhere and I hurt constantly. One would think I would focus on my kids but I cannot seem to get beyond the feeling of desolation. There isn't enough help in this world to make it better. It will never be better. SHE IS GONE HEIDI--every relationship from the moment she died on will be tainted with the loss of my baby sister. Truly she hated herself--which seems to be a typical Davis trait. I will trade places with you Holly, and maybe we can leave together. This life seems too hard and I am just as miserable as you had been. I did not suffer the same way but I suffer silently. The next loss will not be mine, it will be me.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Just tired

How does it feel to treat me like you do? When you put your hand upon me and told me who you are?

Christmas has gone and I threw the tree out today. I am struggling to get my house in order for my parents. There is never enough I can do for the kids conspire to conspire. Their whisperings include how to spread dirt, create extra laundry and eat incenssantly. No consideration is put in to picking up after oneself but that is to change this year. All this therapy has actually been a crash course in child management. No hitting is understood. I find I am far more effective when I smother with love even when I want to beat them. Not exactly smothering but handling with love rather than anger makes a world of difference. I don't want my kids to grow up as angry as I did--an anger I still have not quiet figured out.

I took Gi out for her birthday. We haven't gone out since she was 16 so it was a nice remeberance. We were out early enough that we were home before the roads were angerous--a reason I never go out on New Years.... I have the babies for the night and I might add that the toddlers are terrors.

My life has been very busy. I am absorbing all I can for Lachy and have learned massive amounts of information. Research of Aspergers is cutting edge but there is still tons that needs to be done. Right now L is in Orlando geting a 12 hr EEG. Neurobiological and an Autism spectrum disorder, I am curious as to the interpretation of his results. That is not womthing I have researched but it is my understanding that the cause will not show up on an EEG.