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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

When I get confused it is like....

*SOB* I promised myself so much and now I am feeling like I want to flounder again and run away. It comes from nowhere.---No it comes from my gut. Something is telling me something is wrong and I cannot fix it! I cannot fix anything anymore and I am feeling impotent. This is going to be such a tough week. It has already started out difficult and the cleansing of the rain last night is not a solace.

Yesterday:

I am sitting on the back porch enjoying the rain: the thunder is in the distance. There is something refreshing and new in each drop of rainbow even if they appear grey. The distant thunder is moving closer, in longer rushing air masses or just heavy wind--synonyms? The smell is clean, a chlorine clean but clean--I can feel the release of the pressure in the left side of my face and the thought of swimming in this danger is appealling but irresponsible. If there were not a house of kids I would. I am so tempted.

I am moving back inside where I have been listening through my open slider since the storm started. I was yelling kids out of the room--ineffectively. I just heard the familiar cry "MOM!" and my brief interlude ends.

Back in the confines of bed the smell of candles and incense negate the smell of the rain. So far less primeval. Back from the edge of nature.