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Saturday, February 15, 2014

Holly's story

My baby sister was born February 14, 1975 to a middle class Cape Cod family. We didn't grow up with an abundance but we had the beach and life was safe. She loved and looked up to me and I can remmeber trying to get her to leave me and my friends alone during the summer months. I wish now that I had not been so selfish. I think this is why it bothers me terribly now when my kids are not getting along. She was the baby of the family and was considered the baby for years. I remember the day I yelled at mum asking when she would no longer be the baby anymore. I just did not understand motherhood or the feelings associated with the last child. I do now. When I think about it, she was my baby too. I would often get up and change her in the morning, playing until mum woke. Yes, she was the baby.

Like all babies, she grew and grew. The funniest memory I have was when Heather and I tried to tackle her and she has us both pinned. We were both laughing so hard we could not fight back. This was when we reached our teens and although I am 6 years older, we all became great friends. God, I miss that time. I moved out and had two babies. Holly was always there, babysitting, and being a companion to me--she was my best friend. But I went away to school and she went away for drinking--when she came home, she hated me. I am sure there is much more to it but we were never close again. Marriages followed and then her divorce from the love of her life. He was relentless in torturing her, taking her into court at least 11 times to take her kids from her. The day before he was to succeed, she hung herself. Sadly, not even a year had passed since she found her new husband hanging in the garage three weeks after they married. I now know one person every 13 minutes dies from suicide and there are 8-25 attempts per death. Staggering.

I found out she was gone by those very words uttered by my husband. "Heidi, Holly is gone." Since she had four previous attemtps since the death of her husband, my brain clicked to rapid realization. I wish there was some confusion and it was really a mistake. Depression is rampant in my family as is alcohol abuse. Coupled they are lethal. Having barely survived an attempt on my own life I have just realized this is when she started hating me. The pain of the one that wants to die is far reaching and so many are affected. How have I survived the death of my sister when there was so much unfinished between us? I blog. I research. I try to involve myself in support groups but I am not there yet. I have to deal with this pain doing what I am doing now. And I cry. I cry for what is lost and I cry for what could have been. Always maudlin and dealing with her birthday yesterday makes me very vulnerable right now. I don't share the pain enough, I suppose and I thought I was doing well. Today, not so much. I am grieveing and it is a process. Next will be activism.

You are missed, dear sister.

***** This is a post to be submstted for publication. Anything found in error, please let me know

Facts About Suicide and Depression
Figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for the year 2010.


Over 38,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.
In 2010 (latest available data), there were 38,364 reported suicide deaths.
Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the United States.
Currently, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
A person dies by suicide about every 13.7 minutes in the United States.
Every day, approximately 105 Americans take their own life.
Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but three times as many females as males attempt suicide.
There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides for every suicide death.

Anniversary, birthdays and death

Tomorrow is the 14th and she should be celebrating, not ashes in a box. The pain has not lessened and the tears have not stopped. I hurt and can't escape. H2 may talk to everyone about her suicide but I close off. I want to close down because this life is not what I expected. My life has been a waste.

Fast forward--Yesterday was the 14th and I was going to get a tattoo and visit Spill. H2 could not fit me in and my house has the plague. The probelm with so many sick is that there is no getting ahead of the germs. How did I cope? I slept the day away with Amelia beside me. The bug has been debilitating--and messy.

Mum, dad G and the kids have arrived on the Cape. This, too is going to be ugly. M finally stepped up but this, too, is going to be a catastrophe. I cannot find anything good in anything right now and was just told that I think the world owes me a living. I want it to take my "living" away so somone has it wrong. Kick me when I am down. All the men in my life do.

So I am done, done with caring, done with trying and done with feeling the pain I feel regularly. What I am going to do about it, I have no idea but I had better come up with something. I am already dead inside. I loath depression.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Catching my breath..... and looking back

Left: The Franklins: M (doing what he loved) and G(8th grade Jr prom)
Right: The Dowlings: G (Montessori) and I (preschool photo day)

Yes, after today I want to look back for a moment and allow that warm, fuzzy feeling of how wonderful my kids are to wash all over me. (Positive affirmations for parents of teens...)

Well, this was started hours and hours ago. I have had a catastriphic failure in google chrome on one computer and then (becasue I don't have enough to do) after removing the memory cards and replacing them in the other computer, it is now making a sick sound (like the red ring of death for the x box but it is yellow. Fortunately towers are cheap. I have been fixing these for several years and only my caonfidence that it can't be that hard has keptthem going. To think I laughed at those who took computer science in College. My egocentrism even boggles me. How far we fall. Anyway. Digression after running to Walmart to get diapers for my darling grandbabies. They have diarrheal--Walmart does not carry medication for this ailment for babies. And their behinds are raging.

So where is the breath catching?????? I have been doing laundry becasue well, we have throw up too. I have showered mroe than once and have had my hands and feet in substances I would rether not think about in too much detail. All the while, my cry was"I am done with this!" Then Ben pooped his pants. (the same pair I just stepped on in the laundry room--vivid, huh?)

So rather than crawl into bed at almost 6 am I am relisting ebay items in my store. This has been a lesson in economics.

It is hours later. First I spilt milk with no tears. Next, I am testing out new bears since Cottonball needs to be retired. And the beautiful Ben --hoping my picts came out.