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Friday, March 29, 2013


I cannot believe the calamity that has been the last two weeks.  I have had the police at the house twice for stolen medication and a stolen car.  I have bailed G out of juvi and had to pick I up for W for stealing.  G also is charged with marijuana.  while in custody she got another charge.  He also thought it a good idea to empty my bank account so there is no Easter Bunny coming to my house this year.  May not suck for her but  I have a 12, 9, 7, 6, 4 and 3 year old that are going to wonder what is going on.  Not that they don't see the chaos.  ALL this and I am taking them to church but getting no help even when I blatantly ask for it.  I don't understand how D manages to get people to do stuff for him all the time but I struggle.  The divorce is also going to be a struggle.  He claims he will leave if I want him to but I know he won't.  I have allowed him to ruin so much of my life and I fear he is just going to ruin the rest of it.  I lost a relationship with J because of him.  I kept telling him to go and he wouldn't.  I guess being alone is what I am meant to be.  I am having such a hard time directing these kids and every day seems like it is a struggle.  My mom is an empty shell as well as my dad now that H is buried.  Dad visits her grave every week and mom can't deal..  I am trying to process her death while dealing teen bs and growing children.  Who has it harder?  It is not a contest but I really want a hug that isn't attached to a three year old.  An adult cannot depend on their kids to build them up.  I cannot believe the sense of loss I have.  And dealing with the egocentrism I am on a daily basis is tearing me apart.  What does it take for kids to "get it".  I am bone weary tired.

This is where I would like to stay:
Cotton ball, my childhood teddy bear is hiding under the covers.  It has been a BAD week.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Why a blog

I HAVE wondered what made me decide to blog and yesterday is a prime example.  6 am wake to last nights mess--remove trash and dishes from living room and get T up for school.  He hates to get up and insists still that I provide each item of clothing while he lies in bed.  Otherwise the morning drags out with me doing a countdown every five minutes until I go in and dress him. T is out the door, I putting on make up so she can come while I do headstart and kindergarden registration.  Total chaos trying to do two applications simultaneously since two different women were in charge.  Repeadly asked to quiet down for someone was testing so I ask I to take the kids out and she starts argue!!! WTF, making the noise I AM TRYING TO AVOID.  This AFTER we discovered the car liked its windsheild wipers running and sometime in the night they started ripping the wiper to shreds.  Pulling fuses solved that temporarily but I am plagued knowing I dropped a fuse and have no idea what it was for.  Oh well.  The car is running ?  We will see for how long.  Today, I get to tie T's shoes because he is too lazy or too right brained to do it for himself.   I am seeing them out the door now.

Now today my plan is not to leave the house but I need to run down to WIC.  Since the Library is next door we might as well go spend an hour or so.  E is still not going smoothly with E.  Hopefully the library will spark some interest in reading.  She hates it and struggles so I research and research but cannot find that one thing that will make reading come alive.

Now what to do with my 25 lbs of carrots.  I am searching the net today for somethingd  that the kids will like besides cut up carrots and dressing.  Tonight I will parboil then fry with maple syrup and a bit of brown sugar along with tempeh and cucumbers and tomatoes.  The key is going to be--does this spot get filled with recipes I find and love or does it remain as barren as it is now.  Talking ABOUT it and ACTUALLY producing something are two entirely different beasts.  Thank Good I have cut hours of facebook out of my day.  I don
don't know how I was getting anything done.