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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Repairing relationships

Myles called me. His first wife died suddenly and he called to let Gi know. She was here so she got to talk to her dad. Why is it that a catastrophe has to hit before people realize that we really only have but a moment on this earth and then it is done. I am reminded of the three fates. Who is to know when our string will be cut? I am going to do my best to let those I love know that I love them with all I have. Linda went to see the dr and she was gone in a week. If that was all I was given what would I do? I can't change what I have already done so even though I can honestly say I am being a better mother, I wonder. Amazing what giving up the booze can do for you. From thi day on, every opportunity I have to be kind, I am going to take it. Even if the receiving party may not seem like they deserve it. It is not for me to judge. I am sure that if Myles and Linda could have had children they would have remained together. He probably would have moved to CA and stayed with Intel.

So many losses. It seems to be all that life is about. It is just unfortuante that we realize how much better a friend,a sister,a daughter one could be if they just kept in mind that life is fleeting. Maybe we would not act so rashly and think before we hurt somone just because we are hurt. Better yet, strive for peace and kindness. Even if one is capable of cutting put downs it does not prove you are superior.

I just had the opportunity to be purposely hurt. I think I am done now. I have already gotten rid of FB and now I am finding too much I am not seemingly able to shake. I am really upset with J and the whole situation. I wanted to be his FRIEND. I am jelos like you wouldnot believe that he has a relationship with Christine and maliciously cuts me out and off. Explain what telling me to call and then not answering the phone does for you. Explain the satisfaction you get from blocking me. Did I not share how insecure I am? I was an open book and rather than that benefitting me, I ended up having it not taken into consideration. Like when I was a teen ager and younger--I was picked on a lot. My best friend decided not to talk to me anymore because I was not popular enough. Eighth grade is hard enough and she had been my friend for years. I wish I really knew her reasoning. So, I wanted J to know every little thing about me so he had all the information. Lot of good it did.

Friday, December 20, 2013

The plan.... divorce and single motherhood

It is not secret that the man I married and I do not get along. He is an angry bitter man (damn, I can find them) and he thinks there should be no divorce. His reasoning. "no one in my family gets divorced. They fight, get drunk and have wild parties where everyone acts like ther ugly, drunken self but no divorce. This means nothing to me. I want to wake up next to the man I love. I want to do anyting and everything for somone else (within reason of course) and I know I have to get through Chritmas since I keep promising more time for him to stay. But it is so damn uncomfortable here. There is no affection between us. I feel like one of those women in an arranged marriage when before hand they think "maybe in time I will love him." I tried. I really really did becasue after the eldest grew to be school age, I thought it would be horrible for me to introduce someone new. I wanted them to know their dad and grow up with him. But I am not growing. I am trying. Oh how I have tried. But the damage is so great. I remember saying he is a fixer upper when I married him, but instead of making him a better person, he dreagged me to his level. I hate who I am right now. I want to be the kind, loving, caring person I know I am. Not the nasty, mean person who is deeply hurt and looking for healling. Unfortuanetly I need to heal alone or with a support. 17 years of healing. Is it only a year after a loss that I can meet people again? The only one I want to talk to thinks I am a mistake. It just reminds me of the day I crawled into bed with grandma and told her I didn't think my mum ever wanted me. I cried hard.

She assured me that mum wanted me a lot and now I feel again like she doesn't. She spends as little time on the phone with me and never more than a few moments here. I don't think my mum ever wanted me. Call it biology becomes biography or nature vs nurture.

Christmas brings Aunt Phyll, mum and dad to Heather's. I don't forsee any reunion athough Aunt Phyll let me live in Waltham with her and learn what a city highschool was. She also attended Ella's birth--allowing me to bite her at one point. And I need some true affection. We will see how it plays out.

So it is tense here and I am picking up writing after D sent a cup of coffee over the keyboard to the kids computer. I bought washable so it can spend 5 minutes in water and be okay. Chose not to write because I hate anyone hovering behind me when they could just log in and read when I am done. I am trying to be clear. If there is fog, it is because of the Nightquil. I think the craftsman had the right idea. Lets be ladies presumabley sipping tea... Gwen is painting us each a tea with a cup o' on the outside. Clever gifts.

So illness here, the divorce fits in with him not wanting to do anything since there is no benefit. No trade going on, LOL. I am focused on the holiday and my family. Divorce sections I have been reading on the computer just includes too many people who want to take your momey to fill out forms. The POLK web site walked me through. They are called "directions" And warning me that I may have done something wrong is not making me rush to find a grand to have them look at what I filed. Then they don't show in court? A true attorney does the paperwork and is in court for $1200. J made out when Opals dad was involved and J just wanted them to handle the divorce too. Noone had to do any work in that case. Being one's own lawyer --effective-- lawyer requires footwork. My feet are a bit tired.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

How am I?

I have just discovered I am an emotional eater. Back during Easter, I ate bags of Whopper eggs and Hershey kisses. This time it is Lindt and Ferrer Rochet. I have made myself sick and am even sleep eating. My emtional turmoil is beyond great and I am watching the pounds settle in m belly, theighs and even backa area. I joined Sparkpeople and have yet to type today's chocolate massacre. I am sure an entire bag is more than one serving.....I need to post pictures in a bathing suit and paste it everywhere to motivate me. We went to Isadora's consert last night and Ella's Student of the month this morning. Pictures when I take them off the camera.

Here she is!

And Isa after her concert:

Here is getting the Christmas tree. I was going to wait to decorate but Christmas can never be over soon enough for me. It just shows the greedy desires of man.... My last year to celebrate...

There it is. HUGE at 8 feet. Pictures of it has a blur on the lens so one will just have to imagine it decorated.

Gigi will probably be here today--and WE are mostly suffering with stomach bugs. Everyone is down and out. I am not up for the bus to Wic so I am going to reschedule because my couches are filled with children holding buckets, loads of tissue and cups of herb tea. Now as long as I can fight off this feeling of malaise, I can take care of them. I will say that BREATHE DEEP and THROAT CARE teas both pretty much suck. Force it down, I will.

So I am studdying Buddism today. I have issues with the God of my youth and find it does not really help with my inner peace. I am sick of a Christian society that does not practice what they preach. Until I change, I, too, am part of the problem--not the solution. And if EAT PRAY LOVE is in my future then why fight it. I think I will re-read it today as a field guide rather than a novel. Today I look at religion and not Asperger's (RIGHT, LOL!)

D's nephew is here. The last time I had seen Stephen, it was at my house on Wimbledon Dr and he was still a kid.

And proof that B still thinks I am the the BEST....

I am sure I wll be back, LOL. I hae twenty or so listings to put up and have been watching the ebay app as I type this and bids come in. This means what is sold must be replenished with new merchandise. Researching Disney stuff it time consuming--even the pins but I have sold one for $21. Today I ship a Doc tile that sold for $9. So that may be my day --or I will make another cup of tea and watch Disney with the kids filling my bed.

Monday, December 16, 2013

What is happening? Toys for tots and other types help

I have yet to even write an action list for today but I am well aware that the list is busy. Again I lost a post by accidentally closing the page. I am not meant to write today. I am stuck between what I want, what I cannot have and what I cannot get rid of. So I beat on, boats against the current being swept ceasely into the past. I suppose I should learn to place those I cannot trust in my past where they belong. My problem is I still hold some trust and heaps of hope.

I picked up Toys for Tot's today and was pleased to have the game of horsehoes dedicated to my careless family. Guessing at least two kids with stitches. This was done at 9 am. I have been hoping there is one probono lawyer that wants to help me since I really don't like the law. I will prepare myself with the dedication of a true lawyer--then I can remind myself why I am a biologist. Just be thorough.

J blocked me again. I did ask S to unblock J ans she responded "okay Jen, I will" I corrected her immediately and asked her to shoot me if I am another Jen. I think I got a photo of him of J before he blocked me. I wan to run my run my hands..........oh STOP. He soesn't want you!!! I was waiting to write to him witout blubbering and he took that away. Trust..... Those I trust with my life don't seem to value it. It is time to focus on bettering me and watching out for myself. Who am I kidding. I am strong, I am invincible, I will make someone an excellent mate after I finish evolving into the perfect mom. I am trying so hard.

And I give the best love with everything in me if the person I love is worthy--even when they may seem they aren't.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Parades and such

As odd as it feels, we went to the local Poinciana parade this morning. The biggest show was put on by the Sheriff's department. Our family arrived an hour before the show:

It gets better:

The bus! LOL. So basically the parade consited of all the sheriff department's vehicles and lots of kids marching poorly.

I hate parades. I spent mumber two sitting in the car. Over all, yesterday sucked. I am sick of doing things just becasue I am afraid of somone's reaction. I am brushing that shit off and from this moment on, if I don't want to do something and the world is not going to stop if I don't do it, I am going to stay home.

Now to buy the tree.....

Friday, December 13, 2013

A busy day so far.

MOTHER OF GOD I have lost this post twice!!!!

I have been excedingly busy with paperwork today and it seems that I aught to stay away from the computer. There is a ghost in the machine. Speaking of, I have been having haunting dreams of late and most have to do with change. I dreamt I lost someone close to me and I kept searching to find them, not wanting to accept they were truley gone. It is a dream that leaves a sense of sadness. So I am throwing myself into what ever I can. I have decided to become a member of the Homeowners Association her in Poinciana. It requires building and blueprint knowledge so I am kind of qualified. What I need to learn I can do it on the job--vollunteer job that is.

I am a homeschool mom again. Gwen just signed up for FLVS. I okayed her classes yesterday. I was looking through some paperwork and found a learning style test I did on both Gwen and Is when I first decided to homeschool. Damn was I thorough--makes me glad I had a scientific back ground. This should also help with the research being done on L. I am already sick of appointments. Right now he is on ABC Mouse. For $8 a month both B and L have accounts that keep track of what lessons they have worked on. They love the computer and if it can get through to them better than me then I am all for it.

So it is still morning and I am already very accomplished. Now I want to rest before Gi gets here with the kids. I am gazing now at the organized videos and the fairly clear floor. In a matter of however long it takes for them to make it through the door, a mess will ensue. I need to charge my camera.

I will need to take pictures this comig Wednesday for Ella made student of the month. She has been working so very hard since I screamed at them for their lousy grades and have become the homework /review gestapo. Anyway, it worked for El now lets see how much better then next slew of grades is.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

It is finally here: The diagnosis hits hard

I am often asked why I had so many kids. Honestly, I thought it was the only thing I could do right. And I had a body that handled pregnancy really well. Now I have a child that is diagnosed with what I consider a problem. I knew he was special and the name should not surprise me but I have no support and nothing to draw on as to do the best for him. I feel like this is another failure. I am so sad that D will be able to go on with life, find someone to make him happy and I am going to be in therapy with my son or in therapy for myself because I am overwhelmed. I cannot take one more bit of bad news. I cannot take one more child needing medication or some sort of intervention. I don't understand why I have to do this alone when I have reached out for help. The human race is so selfish. I am afraid to trust anyone and get close but I want a hug so badly. I want to hear that I am beautiful even with snot running down my face and my eyes swollen. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. My struggle has been hard this last two months with my own disorder and then I's diagnosis too. Why would a God that is a loving God allow so many children to have problems. Why would a loving God give me all these kids and make me so inept??? Why would a loving God give me something that I have to struggle with? WHY would he not send a damn lighning bolt and put me out of my misery so I don't have to bother with dissappointment, divorce, lonliness, anger, and just emptiness. EVERY TIME I let somone in, I also allow them the power to hurt me and I don't just "get over it". I still get a nervous sick feeling in my stomach when I think of J. I miss him and hope he is working things out with J for his kids sake. I just can't do the same. He didn't abuse her. I have been physically hurt too many times in just the last year.I am not going to have anyone I can share life with for kids don't take the place of a partner.

I just want to complain-- and find the jerk off that thought it okay to come into my yard and steal my bike. The boys just asked to go for a ride and I had to explain why I can not take them for a ride. GRRRR and if that is not enough, the car won't start.

This is just the tip of the iceburg, so to speak. Karma has caught up to me. I dread thinking what else is going to happen.....

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Always bad news?

I have spent as little time as possible these last two weeks focusing on what needs to be done, getting a schedule in place for L and the rest of the kids since their report cards were so bad. I have tutoring scholarships to fill out, school enrollment paperwork, social securty, court papers (divorce is rediculously long to accomplish and FL does not offer legal separation.) and every other thing that comes home with 7 kids from whatever they are working on. Child rearing is lots of work. I had proposed to D that we could co parent but not be together but the only way he is going to get over me is if he is away from me. He should be able to leave as soon as the judge signs off. It has been a month since he put in his request. It will make it easier on me so I am not trying to hide phone calls to lawyers and the loads of paperwork I have been filing. Oh and leagal aid dropped me so I am having to go pro se -- this means more trips to Bartow. And I am not holding my breath on my license. I figure it is going to take at least 4 months before they review and decide. This IS FL. And another thing--Terminix is wanting to tent my house for 4 grand. Sure, I'll just take it out of the bank. PLEASE, it was all I could do to budget the regular service and now they want to charge me $400 a mo. I am going to put cock roach eradication on my list and buy the chemicals myself. So the list grows and grows. I'd better stop since I already have a paper list and was hoping to take at least a half a day off.

Through all this, thoughts of H woke me. It is 4 in th emorning and I am looking at her highschool senior picture. It makes me so sad. I am so glad she is out of pain but the pain she has left behind is unconsionable. I am trying not to dwell and I am using all my own advice. I blogged enough about suicide recovery to know that I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I can only make the rest of my life as pleasant as possible and that is removing those things that make me unhappy. C has told me so many times to be strong and it comes and goes. R reminded me that I have a set back but I am strong enough to overcome it after I have been gentle with myself for the need to mourn or be depressed. My episodes are getting fewer--at least I hope that is what I am seeing. I think the suicide msg boards and the necessity to learn about my son's diability has kept me focused. Not to mention, I have to sit at the computer rather than use my notebook in my bed. I need to stay out of bed unless it is with someone I am spending time with.....on that front. I really cannot return any mesages I have gotten becasue D still believes he owns me. SERVE him already! Since words mean nothing. Sadly, I do feel badly for him since he had such a shitty life HOWEVER I allowed him to nearly destroy me. The empty shell is being filled again and it has nothing to do with him. How does "I just want to be friends" sound? How about I just want to be exes and have you pay me child support if you can keep a job. Oh yeah, he lost another one. No energy to laugh even though I called it. Six weeks, he claims but I am sure it was less. Life is flying by.

"It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered and may never stop missing their loved ones, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives."

I will be placing her on this memorial wall too. I need to come up with 250 words for a "message" and Alphaville Forever Young is the song I will forever connect with her. Now for that tattoo. I have to reschedule and make the time. Since I did not get the one year anniversary of her death to complete it, I am trying for her birthday.

It is time to truly make my life meaningful. No more just getting by. Right now I am working at a better relationship with my kids. My love life (or lack thereof) can come latter, if at all. G pointed out that I do not trust so I need to work on that too. I keep people at arms length and now that I don't have my mom to talk to I have been calling Amy and Aunt Phyllis. In my despair, I believed I had noone but in reality, I am the one pushing people away and it has got to stop. Otherwise I am going to end up the crazy cat lady.

Another board I need to log into.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

My new endeavor. ASPERGER'S

After trying to get my children the tutoring help they need, I also must add the study of Asperger's Syndrome to my area of expertise. This is best done with a separate blog. I have done some research but there is much to learn. Today is the Behavioral Therapist in Orlando. She will become part of my life as his visits are scheduled every two weeks. Speech therapy is Tuesday and Friday. Yesterday's IEP appointment did not reassure me but the verdict must remain out or nothing wiwll be accomplished. I am trying to not be quick to judge even though I have been trying to get an appt since SEPT. OKAY then. New blog.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Suicide recovery. . . grief goes on

Some people dwell on the past, some plan for the future and others will struggle to get through today…

Two weeks of bed and tears necessitated research on suicide--probably becausce the thought has passed through my own mind more times than I care to admit while I poured out angst I did not know I still had inside. I placed Holly's name on the Suicide Memorial Wall this morning and joined a British suicide board to connect with others. (Since I loath crowds of people, life is safer behind the computer.)

I am not sure when it will show up as it has to be reviewed but I will be watching my email. Actually, it is now up:

Our, Holly Ann Davis (37)
14 February 1975 -
12 July 2012
Yarmouth, Massachusetts

I also sent in information to Collateral Damage. This is a project to photojournal the faces of those left behind.

“Collateral Damage: Images of Those Left Behind by Suicide,” will be a book of portraits, a website and gallery exhibition, telling the stories of people who have lost loved ones through suicide. When I was 16, my father took his own life. Although I have always been honest and open about how he died, I often felt I was left to deal with my pain and recovery in solitude - my grief paralyzed by the social stigma associated with such an act. Even now, 27 years later, I still have so many questions.
Through this book of images, I hope to find some answers and at the very least, start a long, overdue conversation.

Where am I today? I am bereaved. Suicide is so evil because while one is in the moment, no other alternatives seem viable.

There is also this: the person you are most angry with for taking your loved one away is your loved one. They are, in a strange way, the only one to blame. This incongruent despair mixes with destructive self-blame and blame directed at anyone we feel responsible—for not seeing the signs, not being home at the time, not making sure our loved one took their medication, not keeping medication locked up.

The expression “time heals everything” does not often apply to suicide survivors. The bereavement process is complicated not only by the natural feelings of grief and loss, but by the guilt and the stigma associated with suicide.

"I am a suicide survivor. Mistakenly, many think the term refers to people who have unsuccessfully attempted suicide. The term actually refers to a family member or friend who has lost a loved one to suicide.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 38,364 people committed suicide in the United States in 2010 (the most recent statistic available)—a figure greater than the number of people in the U.S. who died in car crashes that year.

It is generally estimated that every suicide leaves behind six suicide survivors. The New York State Office of Mental Health says this may be a low estimate, and quotes numbers closer to 28 suicide survivors per suicide victim.

When those numbers are compounded, “since, on average, 1,200 New Yorkers die by suicide each year, the latter estimate means approximately 60,000 people qualify as suicide survivors each and every year. This is equivalent to the population of the city of Utica.”

So what do we all do? We search one another out. We share the thoughts that people untouched by suicide just do not understand. Hell, we don't even understand it! If I did, I would not ocntinue to get a grip. I found this 12 step for grieving suicide:

Step One: Try to gain insight into why people I knew and loved took their own lives.

Step Two: Share my feelings of guilt over not being able to stop them.

Step Three: Listen to others' heart-wrenching stories.

Step Four: Cry.

Steps Five through Twelve: Repeat steps one through four.

And that is how I am coping.

Holly, your baby turned 16 last month. I bet she wished you were there. I know I wish you were.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Another morning of tears

I really am stuck. A week has gone by and my eyes are burning so badly I want to cry, wait, that is the reason they are burning!

I HURT like it just happened. A solid week of uncontrolled tears. Life has stopped like never before. Just stopped--it has no choce really for I have stopped. I sit and I cry. No, it isn't crying. Crying would be a few shed tears. This is a deluge of emotion that I have no conoing to gtrol over. The deep, soul deep sobbing begins in my gut--or is it my heart? It seems to swap off for when one part of my anatomy feels like it is ready to perish, another takes over. My biography is working its way out of my biology and the pain is intese. I have not meaourned like this! It has taken 15 months! What is wrong??? Was I using J as a distraction to the point that I really did not process what I had thought I had? Now with the loss of both C and J and the endof a marriage in view, I have isolated myself --so I could feel this deeply and hide? My memorial is all the more important to complete when I feel like I can get out of bed again. I know today has to be the end of hiding in bed for the week is full, followed b another right behind it. Life goes on? No it doesn't. It doesn't go on. It is not the same life. It will never be the same life. My whole falily has been destroyed. I don't know that woman who looked through her boxes in the garage. She used to be my mother. My kids have lost a grandmother through this.

Here is the schedule making me physically sick:

Please let me run away!!! I have just taken on sigle motherhood at 44 with 8 kids! What is next? Half my lif eis gone. I will never share having kids with anyone else. Noone wants to raise my kids. I will be resonsible forevrything and have noone to share with. WWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. This was not supposed to be my life, marriage, children...

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The dam couldn't handle a finger any more

I didn't sleep last night. I decided that the Defenders of the Constitution promted me to analyze the Bill of Rights. Today was spent with Gi and M wrapped in my arms. Mum and Dad delivered H's Acura to G and it was nice that she could fit every baby into a seat. What she did to the truck however, has really ticked him off. It is waitng in the driveway for brakes--calipers and all.

Today I cry. While I slept a bit, I have regressed a couple months. Opening the driver's door to H's car left me fleeing in tears. They are plauguing me now. I watch the Duggars and I mourn for what I did not have. Josh and Anna's wedding is on and I am crying --so reiculous! I made my choices and now play out the other half of life. Oh, I plan something better but as Steinbeck said "the best laid plans of mice and men..." don't often work out as planned.

I have been trying to join a parenting group because my personality is too easy on my kids. I would say I wish I was a task master but luckily for my kids, they have a mum they can talk to and that doesn't make them do things that are my responsibility. Chore charts are up and each chore is worth 7 minutes of computer time. Having lived derision and disrespect toward the human race, it is expected that my kids need to be bribed. They are keeping their rooms clean and tidying areas they use. The main probelem is keeping feeod in one area. Terminix won't be here for another 6 days to spray inside and out. Cock roach babies are white and I have them birthed all over my counter each morning. Filling the sink to do dishes sucked.

So, since I have separated from emotion as best I can (anger is a sufficient sheild), these tears are bothersome. Where is the regression? As usual, LIVESTRONG helped:

The testing phase requires that you adjust to an environment without your loved one. These adjustments can be both physical and emotional, but cannot occur until after you have experienced the profound sadness of loss. You may need to find new ways of doing things, make lifestyle changes, or engage in self growth and exploration.

Read more:

PROFOUND SADNESS, PROFOUND SADNESS. Were you sad Rob as you stood over my sister's headstone??? Did you play the part of the grieved ex when you were a major part of her pain? You took her kids! You took away her reason! Have you no clue what that does to a woman? We carried that child! Yes, WE--all women who have been destroyed because a man does not want to pay child support! Your family owns a fucking company! And it hurt you to do your duty as a father? Yup, destroy and malign the mum--you can afford the lawyers. My family feels they have to coddle your spoiled ass so they do not get cut off form C,C and T. I spit on you and I don't spit. THANK YOU LORD that J took my id for whatever reason. Otherwise a quiet ceremony would have gone ALL wrong. Now that M is ready to talk about her loss, we have been spending a lot of time on the phone. I guess he is truly the first of her close circle that I have grieved with. Yes, MY ex.....

I HATE this! Make it stop! I cannot keep drugging myself to sleep!

I am sure recent and pending losses and MAJOR changes have to do with another revealuation. For this moment, though, I am shutting down for a bit.

Monday, October 21, 2013

When everything appears to be going wrong...

I am so unsure of myself that I am a nervous wreck. My anniversary sucked and the going out part was the good part even though my mind was on someone else. UGH, I even called him which I wish I had not done. It is impossible to get over someone if you can't get them out of your head. I guess I need to try really hard to focus on myself. So what do I have on my list of things to be selfish? I took photos of me with my extra weight and have started a strict exercise program. It is hard for me to force myself to participate in my own torture but it is better than being subject to blatant abuse
--the sick thing is that he does not see it as abuse and when I start screaming NO he still doesn't get it. I now need trauma couseling as well as the kids who have been witnessing screaming and knowing they have no way to save me. Do I dare wrtie that I just got off the phone with him and told him yet again it is over. He has ruined sex for me. I don't want to be touched because he has made sure to hurt me--and he thinks I like it! One would think the screaming would give it away that I was not enjoying myslef. Again I want to throw up that I let him touch me. It isn't like I had much of a choice--I can't run faster than him and it is my own fault that I let him "date " me for anyone of his ilk would expect payment. It was a steeper price than I wanted to pay. I have misunderstood the aterm torture until recently. I am going to have to take some serious time to come to terms with the the systematic onslaught.

Now I am waiting until 8 am to make call. Legal aid is taking too long. Everything seems to be taking longer than I want. If I can get the paperwork through the courts before mum and dad leave, I can go with them, close this infested house up that I am incapable of taking care of andhings screw taking care of a pool. I will push myself hard. I have so many hings going on right now I am ready to crawl into bed--old behavior. fortuntley I will be seeing my psychiatrist to evaluate. Meds that is.. I have evaluated my lide, found it laking and am very sure I am taking the right steps. Legail aid finally returned my call and I guess I just wait. This is the story of my life. Waiting for things to get better. This time I am doing the footwork. Please, dear Lord strengthen me becasue it is a long uphill battle and I am dealing with so many pesonalities. The next phone call is for a parenting classso I can learn more than the computer is teachingme and I can have some adult interaction. Part of my mental illness results in my isolation, This makes it harder to deal with life. So before my parents and G arrive, I am working through this pile of paperwork. I am ready to cry since I have called S four tiems and keep getting cut off and now they want me to try back at a different time.....right, cross it off, add it, cross it off add it back to the list. aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Just focus on the prize. I will be rid of the thorn in my side. I cannot believe I can feel scared and exhilerated at the same time.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

seventeen years. . . of what?

D and I went out for our 17th wedding anniversary. The night was punctuated by me being unhappy. He tipped 30 % becasue I sent my salmon back. So dinner was a dissappointment. Then we went to smoke cigars. (Our time in the cigar bar would have been far more appealing sitting beside someone else). Buying boxes was fun but they needed a humidore to keep the cigars in for they were very dry. Afterward all hell broke lose and it is another experience that is best forgotten. It will be hard to forget this is our last anniversary. I will never be with anyone else long enough to reach 17 years nor will I raise children with anyone else. I will divulge that information gleaned from D made me all the more determined that he be removed from the chidren's lives. If my medication didn't keep me so numb, I would have to throw up. I will be far more inquisitive of people I let into my life. I found out things about him---OH GOD. He didn't have a chance and his chance with me was destroyed becasue of what he has lived. I cannot overlook it. Anyone with common sense would have gottem themselves out of the predicament that was my engagement because they would have realized that if the sight of someone raises your hackles then you may not want to be around them. I am going to continue on my medication since it enables me to remove myself and remain aloof until he is served. I have put all my paperwork in and have gradually moved down my extensive list of things to do so that I am prepared to be in charge of everyone and actually get them to cooperate. If we can get this house in Mimi order--I will consider my efforts successful. They should be here at any moment.

Here is the shortest way to express the mood for number 17:

What ia missing is more important than what is depicted. The girls loved the cigar boxes and I am going back to get some more. Iz took 4 and Gwen two leaving me with 2. I am also looking on ebay to see if they sell and what ones are worth the most. I got some great boxes and as much as I know that cock roaches love boxes, I cannot part with them. Speaking of, I killed white baby roaches today which precipitated research. I am doing everything I can to not think about my waking dreams. I kept trying to hug H3 and my arms were only grasping air. Thank God for Klonipin. It took two and pacing to bring my heart rate down. We were sharing a room together on Wimbledon Dr--something we never did. I am sure the fighting beween the girls and who is going to share with whom brought this about. None wanted to compromise. In a family this size, that cannot be. Just another issue to write down. . . . My Action list never shortens. I have dentist appt's again. I was sure we just completed them!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

New family member or I have become a grandma again

Anxiety and depression

Maybe there is no such thing. I wish anyway. It is one of those weeks where I can feel the waves of anxiety wash over me. I loathe this feeling because I feel so impotent. Medication cannot help me--or it isn't helping anymore. I don't know that there has ever been a greater need for me to connect with people and I don't know if there has ever been a time I have felt more alone. I am avoiding the phone and FB. All I want to do is hide.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following symptoms for at least a two-week period:

Persistent sadness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
Insomnia or oversleeping
Weight gain or loss
Fatigue, lack of energy
Anxiety, agitation, irritability
Thoughts of suicide or death
Slow speech; slow movements

Of these I suffer every symptom. I woke this morning with the weight of the world on my chest. Dreams were disconcerting and anxiety filled. Even more difficult to deal with is the pain throughout my entire body. It hurts to move and it is all in my head--literally. I cannot wait to get back to the Cape. Too many bad memories everywhere. At least I will have a bit of a support network. Oh to just hang out with all my highschool friends! No I cannot believe how my life has turned out. I ask repeatedly what I have done, or more what can I do to change from here on out. I have been accused of being selfish. Maybe I have been. It is certainly sefish of me to enjoy pg so much that I had more children than I can afford. I have been selfish in wanting more time to myself. I was selfish thinking to throw away everything that is simply my responsiblility to run off with J. I am so grateful that I had a small window of bliss once I let down my defenses and just loved freely. I remember the moment I did so and how afraid I was of feeling fully. Love freely for it may be your last chance. I have vowed to love my children with all my heart. They are to come first--they need to come first. They need to come first.

Unfortunately for me, I have had a set back. I had hoped to see some change in my thinking pattern. With the mess Gigi has handed me, I am faced with being under the microscope again. I already have therapists coming to my home for everyone and I am trying to maintain the busy schedule that comes with taking care of kids. This had been a lesson in futility for I am overwhelmed. I just want sleep and more sleep. I am rested but feel like I have been up for days, Today I can just claim that it being an overcaste day makes it okay to stay in bed, R should be here just before lunch and I don't feel like talking. I want to isolate. I need a postive for the day: I am a good cook and my kids like what I make them. How trite but I have to take baby steps again and feed on pablum. There is no rush to anything since I don't have anyone waiting for me--loving me from afar LOL!!! Just get me through today. That is all I ask.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

It does not end!

What is it going to take for me to live a normal life? I never expected to have ended up where I am. Right now I am blogging while I await a DCF worker coming to question me about Gigi. This is the cordial follow up to their 1 am visit on a Sunday morning with the police.. I cannot believe that I am afflicted with anxiety and no matter how calm and organized I try to make my life, the troops and the universe is not aligning with me. The balance of power is UNBALANCED--I need to be far more strict than I am but then I would be yelling constantly. I really feel like I am managing a corporation in which none of the employees care about job security.

I'm going to "buy a ticket for the long way round, the one with the prettiest of views, its got mountains, its got rivers, its got sights to make you shiver and it sure would be prettier with you." Who is "you"? I feel bereft, empty and confused. And lonely--lonliness has been my most constant companion through most of my life. I am not sure if there was a specific, there was. UV molested me when I was 5 and mum caught him. She yelled at me rather than speak to the very confused child who did not understand the situation. I guess I believed I was bad and that negativity has followed me. I bet this also ingrained my fears of failure and success for if it looked like I was not going to be the cream of the crop then I would "act out" so I could justify failing. There are no more excuses.

I find if I make my bed and dress, the pain in my chest abates for a bit because I fully concentrate on what I am doing. Today I
learned of the plethora of uses of graphene,a crystal carbon sheet with electrical properties. I have not stopped cleaning for days. The void is avoided as long as I focus on the mundane.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Today, I start to heal?

I made sure I pushed J as far away as I could. I wrote horrible things to him, writing as mean as I possibly could and rather than feeling a sense of relief he won't be able to hurt me again, I am sorry I hurt him. I am not sure what I did to receive a text that should have been sent to his ex, but it seems like I have been who he takes his anger out on. Oh Lord, I fell in love and it hurts so badly. I never want to love again. I survived so long not loving that I had forgotten how much it hurts when it ends. This is why D was always so safe--I didn't and don't love him so he can hurt me but my heart is protected. I just realized that this self protection even includes my kids. They can tell me they hate me and it doesn't hurt. S said J is damaged but I think I am just as damaged. I do hope she calls him but I really only want the best for him and maybe if his family becomes involved he won't feel so indebted to Jen.

This may be my last post on this blog. I am emotionally stunted and don't feel this has help me grow at all. I processed one of the deepests pains one could imagine and the kids have passed homeschool into the failing public school system. Because I am only a shell or shadow of the woman I once was, I don't have the strength to homeshcool them. I don't want to get out of bed. I have nothing to prove to anyone and noone really cares anyway.

I dabbled in a few things and have concluded I am truly not interested. Peversion is not really in me. I had fun while it lasted, being a pretend femme fatale. Now I am back to being frumpy Heidi that noone will give a second look. This is fine. I have done the research and found that the payback for the amount of work required to sart a site does not pay off so to speak. And LORD knows I don't want to make a career out of flogging people--just ick. To all those true Mistresses, my hat is off to you because it is a lot of work. Just the research involved is daunting and I did a lot of reading.

As for dating--laugh out loud. Legal Aid is doing my intake on October first and I am not even fit to be friends with animals, never mind someone's girlfriend. Whatever that Zoosk thing is on fb that I joined way back in 2009 had not been used. Yes, I have gotten messages but I never reponded to anyone. My heart wasn't into meeting anyone in 2009 because I thought so little of myself and not much has changed. further, I thought I had met the man that made me happy. As usually, I was wrong. I feel so used, and that I allowed it makes me feel even worse about myself. If that were possible. . .So the focus needs to be on me and if I have to force myself through the days,then so be it. Thankfully D is starting a truck driving job where I will not see him. His goal it to get back home. I don't know how I am going to get out of here but even Sam thinks I need to leave FL and she has only been an internet friend. One day, when I am not looking, somone will ask me what I am reading and he will have read it too. I will share that my favorite story is Cinderella and, like her, I am awaiting my prince. Coffee will be sipped, laughter will ring and I will realize my edges are no longer fuzzy and I feel solid again. Someday.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Lots of drafts

I read one of my posts where the survivors of a sister's suicide find more meaning in life, find it more precious.  I guess I am one of the unfortunate few who don't.  I have been suffering from a disease for a large protion on my life and the struggle seems to be too much right now.  I read my introduction to my blog and I would laugh if capable.  Right now there is no laughter.  Plenty of hugs from my kids who have experienced this before.  If this is how I fall apart losing a friend, what good am I going to be to them when their father is gone?  Even thought the hate runs deep, he pickes up the pieces when I can't cope.  He is a caretaker and abuser--what a combination.I lay in bed last night and thought over and over how I feel nothing for him.  And I am not storng enough to forgive.  He wants me to love him so badly and I just can't.  i play his confessions over and over in my mind and I want to throw up.  I thought I was in a loving marriage before the abuse started--dysfunctional but at least some kind of respect.  Now I know I was just being fooled.  I have never been a good judge of people.  To think he touched me after gang banging another woman--the rest is to sick to write.  I need my grandmother.  She was the only one that really cared for me and never judged.  Right now I have noone to call, noone to really care except that pathetic excuse for a man who thought it smart to confront J's ex wife for no more reason then to get answers?  For what.  Am I not clear enough?  Aparently not and I blame it on my soft eart and it is  hardening.  Am I going to become even more bitter and resentful?  Am I damaged beyond hope?  Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship?  Will I find someone who will love me with all my mess?  I thought I had but I realize now that I was being judge and compared.  I told him everything "wrong" with me so he would know what he was getting into.  Apparently that, too wasn't enough.  I didn't want to pretent I was something I was not. I wanted to be loved for the real me, as ugly as that can be.  Unfortunately he compares me to his ex and I always come in last.  Funny, had I not let her into my life I would still be sober.  She used my house as her escape from her mom to drink.  Yet again, I am a bad judge of character.  Even though everyone warned me of her true character.  She's stolen from me more than once and coveted what little I had.  She couldn't even be honest if she tried.  But I feel like I am wasting words.  I loved, I lost.  Thirteen years passed before I was able to put my last love in perspective.  I wonder how long this time.

Alas,I will stand on this

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

 for today:

A wonderful thought.

“You should date a girl who reads.
Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.” 
― Rosemarie Urquico

I will not expound.  I have a book calling.

Friday, August 9, 2013

My quest to reduce the C footprint of a large family CD1

After the birth of my 6th child at home in my tub, it was not much of a jump to cloth diaper.  I had moved from the sterile environment of a hospital, a degree in Early Childhood Education where vaccination reigned king to a barefoot, composting, gardening, organic loving, wood toy touting, extended breast feeding cloth diapering  hippy. Living in the Connecticut River Valley and attending a progressive college only exposed me to more and more of what it was to be one with the earth--or at least as close as one can get. My cousin recommended Diaper Swappers to me and I was HOOKED.  What started out as a box of gerber Walmart special prefolds gifted from a friend evolved into a collection of some of the most lovely, soft and expensive fluff to grace a baby's butt.

The beginning WAS NOT EASY.  I cannot tell you how many times this co-sleeping couple woke to be covered with the closest child's pee--and not just a little pee.  But a turn on the lights, strip the sheets and lay down a towel wet.  My husband was not an immediate fan to put it mildly..  Add a few choice words and you get the idea.  But I persevered.  One of my early diapers--first used were prefolds (the lousy gerber kind) with this Bummies bear cover worn by Ella when she was two.  She is now ten and I can't wait to show her this picture!  I think by this time I had finally accepted her Gerber diapers were not absorbing so the next step was to see if a better prefold was made.  The words Diaper Service Quality became very important when searching for something better.   This means the diaper has layers of material in the cneter and not foam like the Gerber diapers.  Unbleached Indian and Unbleached Chinese prefolds also worked really well and I did not have a preference between the two.  And if one worked well, then TWO stuffed into a GREAT cover would work even better.  We were getting closer to making it through the night dry!

At this point, I knew nothing about boosters or extra padding.  The diapers I first bought new were called Little Lambs and I was able to get them for two for $5 or $6 on ebay.  They were a  rather shapeless all in two diaper.   A rather leaky cover lined with fleece, the diaper had a cotton bifold snap in soaker. Since the maker also was seller Hemp boosters, I found out that , added to a AI2, this made an okay daytime diaper.  Funny, even these inevitably leaked more times than not, it was this slew of diapers my husband was sad to see go.  To tell the truth, I don't think they even make these any more.  I found a picture of Trenton wearing one.  I am really curious if anyone remembers these!

In the following picture is Trenton wearing my first wool purchase (soon to become an obsession) --a Little Lambs worsted wool soaker.  This became the BEST cover for everything and I have only recently parted with it.  You will note that I did learn.  It takes only a glance to see how much packing is stuffed into this cover.   It is about this time that Baby Legs became the new rage and a have to have accessory

So I had made it through two children and now another baby was on the way.  I now knew wool was my passion and with boy after boy to follow, this is a story for another day.