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Monday, October 28, 2013

Another morning of tears

I really am stuck. A week has gone by and my eyes are burning so badly I want to cry, wait, that is the reason they are burning!

I HURT like it just happened. A solid week of uncontrolled tears. Life has stopped like never before. Just stopped--it has no choce really for I have stopped. I sit and I cry. No, it isn't crying. Crying would be a few shed tears. This is a deluge of emotion that I have no conoing to gtrol over. The deep, soul deep sobbing begins in my gut--or is it my heart? It seems to swap off for when one part of my anatomy feels like it is ready to perish, another takes over. My biography is working its way out of my biology and the pain is intese. I have not meaourned like this! It has taken 15 months! What is wrong??? Was I using J as a distraction to the point that I really did not process what I had thought I had? Now with the loss of both C and J and the endof a marriage in view, I have isolated myself --so I could feel this deeply and hide? My memorial is all the more important to complete when I feel like I can get out of bed again. I know today has to be the end of hiding in bed for the week is full, followed b another right behind it. Life goes on? No it doesn't. It doesn't go on. It is not the same life. It will never be the same life. My whole falily has been destroyed. I don't know that woman who looked through her boxes in the garage. She used to be my mother. My kids have lost a grandmother through this.

Here is the schedule making me physically sick:

Please let me run away!!! I have just taken on sigle motherhood at 44 with 8 kids! What is next? Half my lif eis gone. I will never share having kids with anyone else. Noone wants to raise my kids. I will be resonsible forevrything and have noone to share with. WWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. This was not supposed to be my life, marriage, children...

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The dam couldn't handle a finger any more

I didn't sleep last night. I decided that the Defenders of the Constitution promted me to analyze the Bill of Rights. Today was spent with Gi and M wrapped in my arms. Mum and Dad delivered H's Acura to G and it was nice that she could fit every baby into a seat. What she did to the truck however, has really ticked him off. It is waitng in the driveway for brakes--calipers and all.

Today I cry. While I slept a bit, I have regressed a couple months. Opening the driver's door to H's car left me fleeing in tears. They are plauguing me now. I watch the Duggars and I mourn for what I did not have. Josh and Anna's wedding is on and I am crying --so reiculous! I made my choices and now play out the other half of life. Oh, I plan something better but as Steinbeck said "the best laid plans of mice and men..." don't often work out as planned.

I have been trying to join a parenting group because my personality is too easy on my kids. I would say I wish I was a task master but luckily for my kids, they have a mum they can talk to and that doesn't make them do things that are my responsibility. Chore charts are up and each chore is worth 7 minutes of computer time. Having lived derision and disrespect toward the human race, it is expected that my kids need to be bribed. They are keeping their rooms clean and tidying areas they use. The main probelem is keeping feeod in one area. Terminix won't be here for another 6 days to spray inside and out. Cock roach babies are white and I have them birthed all over my counter each morning. Filling the sink to do dishes sucked.

So, since I have separated from emotion as best I can (anger is a sufficient sheild), these tears are bothersome. Where is the regression? As usual, LIVESTRONG helped:

The testing phase requires that you adjust to an environment without your loved one. These adjustments can be both physical and emotional, but cannot occur until after you have experienced the profound sadness of loss. You may need to find new ways of doing things, make lifestyle changes, or engage in self growth and exploration.

Read more:

PROFOUND SADNESS, PROFOUND SADNESS. Were you sad Rob as you stood over my sister's headstone??? Did you play the part of the grieved ex when you were a major part of her pain? You took her kids! You took away her reason! Have you no clue what that does to a woman? We carried that child! Yes, WE--all women who have been destroyed because a man does not want to pay child support! Your family owns a fucking company! And it hurt you to do your duty as a father? Yup, destroy and malign the mum--you can afford the lawyers. My family feels they have to coddle your spoiled ass so they do not get cut off form C,C and T. I spit on you and I don't spit. THANK YOU LORD that J took my id for whatever reason. Otherwise a quiet ceremony would have gone ALL wrong. Now that M is ready to talk about her loss, we have been spending a lot of time on the phone. I guess he is truly the first of her close circle that I have grieved with. Yes, MY ex.....

I HATE this! Make it stop! I cannot keep drugging myself to sleep!

I am sure recent and pending losses and MAJOR changes have to do with another revealuation. For this moment, though, I am shutting down for a bit.

Monday, October 21, 2013

When everything appears to be going wrong...

I am so unsure of myself that I am a nervous wreck. My anniversary sucked and the going out part was the good part even though my mind was on someone else. UGH, I even called him which I wish I had not done. It is impossible to get over someone if you can't get them out of your head. I guess I need to try really hard to focus on myself. So what do I have on my list of things to be selfish? I took photos of me with my extra weight and have started a strict exercise program. It is hard for me to force myself to participate in my own torture but it is better than being subject to blatant abuse
--the sick thing is that he does not see it as abuse and when I start screaming NO he still doesn't get it. I now need trauma couseling as well as the kids who have been witnessing screaming and knowing they have no way to save me. Do I dare wrtie that I just got off the phone with him and told him yet again it is over. He has ruined sex for me. I don't want to be touched because he has made sure to hurt me--and he thinks I like it! One would think the screaming would give it away that I was not enjoying myslef. Again I want to throw up that I let him touch me. It isn't like I had much of a choice--I can't run faster than him and it is my own fault that I let him "date " me for anyone of his ilk would expect payment. It was a steeper price than I wanted to pay. I have misunderstood the aterm torture until recently. I am going to have to take some serious time to come to terms with the the systematic onslaught.

Now I am waiting until 8 am to make call. Legal aid is taking too long. Everything seems to be taking longer than I want. If I can get the paperwork through the courts before mum and dad leave, I can go with them, close this infested house up that I am incapable of taking care of andhings screw taking care of a pool. I will push myself hard. I have so many hings going on right now I am ready to crawl into bed--old behavior. fortuntley I will be seeing my psychiatrist to evaluate. Meds that is.. I have evaluated my lide, found it laking and am very sure I am taking the right steps. Legail aid finally returned my call and I guess I just wait. This is the story of my life. Waiting for things to get better. This time I am doing the footwork. Please, dear Lord strengthen me becasue it is a long uphill battle and I am dealing with so many pesonalities. The next phone call is for a parenting classso I can learn more than the computer is teachingme and I can have some adult interaction. Part of my mental illness results in my isolation, This makes it harder to deal with life. So before my parents and G arrive, I am working through this pile of paperwork. I am ready to cry since I have called S four tiems and keep getting cut off and now they want me to try back at a different time.....right, cross it off, add it, cross it off add it back to the list. aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Just focus on the prize. I will be rid of the thorn in my side. I cannot believe I can feel scared and exhilerated at the same time.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

seventeen years. . . of what?

D and I went out for our 17th wedding anniversary. The night was punctuated by me being unhappy. He tipped 30 % becasue I sent my salmon back. So dinner was a dissappointment. Then we went to smoke cigars. (Our time in the cigar bar would have been far more appealing sitting beside someone else). Buying boxes was fun but they needed a humidore to keep the cigars in for they were very dry. Afterward all hell broke lose and it is another experience that is best forgotten. It will be hard to forget this is our last anniversary. I will never be with anyone else long enough to reach 17 years nor will I raise children with anyone else. I will divulge that information gleaned from D made me all the more determined that he be removed from the chidren's lives. If my medication didn't keep me so numb, I would have to throw up. I will be far more inquisitive of people I let into my life. I found out things about him---OH GOD. He didn't have a chance and his chance with me was destroyed becasue of what he has lived. I cannot overlook it. Anyone with common sense would have gottem themselves out of the predicament that was my engagement because they would have realized that if the sight of someone raises your hackles then you may not want to be around them. I am going to continue on my medication since it enables me to remove myself and remain aloof until he is served. I have put all my paperwork in and have gradually moved down my extensive list of things to do so that I am prepared to be in charge of everyone and actually get them to cooperate. If we can get this house in Mimi order--I will consider my efforts successful. They should be here at any moment.

Here is the shortest way to express the mood for number 17:

What ia missing is more important than what is depicted. The girls loved the cigar boxes and I am going back to get some more. Iz took 4 and Gwen two leaving me with 2. I am also looking on ebay to see if they sell and what ones are worth the most. I got some great boxes and as much as I know that cock roaches love boxes, I cannot part with them. Speaking of, I killed white baby roaches today which precipitated research. I am doing everything I can to not think about my waking dreams. I kept trying to hug H3 and my arms were only grasping air. Thank God for Klonipin. It took two and pacing to bring my heart rate down. We were sharing a room together on Wimbledon Dr--something we never did. I am sure the fighting beween the girls and who is going to share with whom brought this about. None wanted to compromise. In a family this size, that cannot be. Just another issue to write down. . . . My Action list never shortens. I have dentist appt's again. I was sure we just completed them!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

New family member or I have become a grandma again

Anxiety and depression

Maybe there is no such thing. I wish anyway. It is one of those weeks where I can feel the waves of anxiety wash over me. I loathe this feeling because I feel so impotent. Medication cannot help me--or it isn't helping anymore. I don't know that there has ever been a greater need for me to connect with people and I don't know if there has ever been a time I have felt more alone. I am avoiding the phone and FB. All I want to do is hide.

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following symptoms for at least a two-week period:

Persistent sadness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
Insomnia or oversleeping
Weight gain or loss
Fatigue, lack of energy
Anxiety, agitation, irritability
Thoughts of suicide or death
Slow speech; slow movements

Of these I suffer every symptom. I woke this morning with the weight of the world on my chest. Dreams were disconcerting and anxiety filled. Even more difficult to deal with is the pain throughout my entire body. It hurts to move and it is all in my head--literally. I cannot wait to get back to the Cape. Too many bad memories everywhere. At least I will have a bit of a support network. Oh to just hang out with all my highschool friends! No I cannot believe how my life has turned out. I ask repeatedly what I have done, or more what can I do to change from here on out. I have been accused of being selfish. Maybe I have been. It is certainly sefish of me to enjoy pg so much that I had more children than I can afford. I have been selfish in wanting more time to myself. I was selfish thinking to throw away everything that is simply my responsiblility to run off with J. I am so grateful that I had a small window of bliss once I let down my defenses and just loved freely. I remember the moment I did so and how afraid I was of feeling fully. Love freely for it may be your last chance. I have vowed to love my children with all my heart. They are to come first--they need to come first. They need to come first.

Unfortunately for me, I have had a set back. I had hoped to see some change in my thinking pattern. With the mess Gigi has handed me, I am faced with being under the microscope again. I already have therapists coming to my home for everyone and I am trying to maintain the busy schedule that comes with taking care of kids. This had been a lesson in futility for I am overwhelmed. I just want sleep and more sleep. I am rested but feel like I have been up for days, Today I can just claim that it being an overcaste day makes it okay to stay in bed, R should be here just before lunch and I don't feel like talking. I want to isolate. I need a postive for the day: I am a good cook and my kids like what I make them. How trite but I have to take baby steps again and feed on pablum. There is no rush to anything since I don't have anyone waiting for me--loving me from afar LOL!!! Just get me through today. That is all I ask.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

It does not end!

What is it going to take for me to live a normal life? I never expected to have ended up where I am. Right now I am blogging while I await a DCF worker coming to question me about Gigi. This is the cordial follow up to their 1 am visit on a Sunday morning with the police.. I cannot believe that I am afflicted with anxiety and no matter how calm and organized I try to make my life, the troops and the universe is not aligning with me. The balance of power is UNBALANCED--I need to be far more strict than I am but then I would be yelling constantly. I really feel like I am managing a corporation in which none of the employees care about job security.

I'm going to "buy a ticket for the long way round, the one with the prettiest of views, its got mountains, its got rivers, its got sights to make you shiver and it sure would be prettier with you." Who is "you"? I feel bereft, empty and confused. And lonely--lonliness has been my most constant companion through most of my life. I am not sure if there was a specific, there was. UV molested me when I was 5 and mum caught him. She yelled at me rather than speak to the very confused child who did not understand the situation. I guess I believed I was bad and that negativity has followed me. I bet this also ingrained my fears of failure and success for if it looked like I was not going to be the cream of the crop then I would "act out" so I could justify failing. There are no more excuses.

I find if I make my bed and dress, the pain in my chest abates for a bit because I fully concentrate on what I am doing. Today I
learned of the plethora of uses of graphene,a crystal carbon sheet with electrical properties. I have not stopped cleaning for days. The void is avoided as long as I focus on the mundane.