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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Oh it is not getting any easier

I started this blog for homeschooling and to present to the evaluator for I and E's work. Instead it has become so much more. I don't want to write in a diary anymore.

I just read two messages from Holly on FB that were sent in 2009. She really hated me. Get in line? I want my Grandma!!! I want to cry on her shoulder like I used to. I want her to hug me and tell me everything will be alright even though it may not be. There is no one left. I have kids that hate me, a husband that wants to work out my marriage and I am emotionally unavailable. When I want to talk to someone I come here because the word "friend" is so very empty. It has no meaning in the context of my life. I am so lonely, all I can do is cry. My family has been torn asunder by death and illness so my problems are nothing to anyone but me. I have a pain in my chest that just gets tighter and tighter until I gasp for breath. The infilling of my lungs just reminds me that I am tired of breathing. I am not really living, I am existing. How can anyone feel so much pain and still function? How do I get rid of the pain? How do I fix this? What is there to fix??? I am tired of pretending and I am tired of lies. I am tired of believing the best of people only to be screwed over. I am just tired and I need to get over it.

When I used to have two sisters.....

Why can't I just start over? I was trying to and now I am letting my ghosts rule my thoughts. Those three happy, beautiful, young girls. What happened to them?