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Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sunday in bed......

I have been a support group "groupie" with my sister's suicide and L's diagnosis. But, I don't feel it is helping. I really prefer to work things out on my own which is why I push so many away. I start to type the issue and I lose interest half way through. I feel like it has all been covered before. Maybe not by me but by SOMEONE. I have to take large breaks when dealing with all the information on both subjects. I wonder what I am going to be hit with next? I am realizing that it is near impossible for me to live on the limited money that comes into the house.

I am trying to work on my ebay store today and find I am simply not interested. Needing to actually WORK--UGH. Yet, I am considering more training so I can get a job. No more babies puts me in position to work. Plus I will have the ability to drive and have no excuse.....

Okay so I am looking for an excuse not to have to deal with people and I come up with the fact that E's school is getting rid of 5th grade and she will have to go to middle school. She is so tiny and asks me repeatedly to be homeschooled. I have researched and know my kids so I am at odds. They loath homework and two are in Saturday school. I cannot add any more to my schedule if I want time to shower. I cannot remember the last time I left the house to do something that has nothing to do with kids. It is either school issues or doctor's appointments. I wish I had realized how hard it is to raise children when I was having them.

Mum and dad are in FL right now and will be here until they file their taxes. This will be the last year I will be filing a tax return without my name on it. I will have to let the government take my check for my student loans that are in default. It is sad that I have to even worry about it--if I were not "disabled" there would not be an issue. Anyway, I do have the degree so I might as well pay for it.

Monday, January 20, 2014

what will we do for love?

I wonder. Love of what? Sex? Money? Children? Spouse? or some other love that takes over te senses.
Well what is love? I need to know before it is too late.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
sexual passion or desire.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

I have definitely felt love. And I have felt Jelousy. I'd rather love but sometimes it isn't so easy which brings to mind anger.

In Greek mythology, Lyssa (Greek: Λύσσα; called Lytta (Λύττα) by the Athenians) was the spirit of mad rage, frenzy and rabies in animals. She was closely related to the Maniae, the goddesses of madness and insanity. Her Roman equivalent was variously named Ira, Furor, or Rabies. Sometimes she was multiplied into a host of Irae and Furores.

Seems about right. I seem inflicted with the spirit of Lyssa. I wonder if there is a medication for that.

Myles visited yesterday. Plans were hatched and Gi is on her way home. It is dependent on which car she wants to drive North as to when she goes. Either way, Myles leaves tomorrow. He has enjoed his stay with my sister as well as enjoying H's wine bar. Too bad Patriots lost :(.

Today is Dr Harrison so the boys ar with D in Orlando. I will not predend I am not going to miss him taking everyone everywhere. Lord knows I have the worste sense of direction and am far better off not being behind the wheel. My key chains is ready for car keys, though. I will probably drive the car my parents gave the girls since neither one has a license. On my list: insurance.

so back to love. I am sure I blocked a big part of my heart off. Maybe that is why I feel like a hand is squeezing my chest. Once intermittent, now a constant tightening.
but what will we do for love?

Make a complete fool of ourselves drunk and otherwise. It is sadder sober becasue it means that you've reached bottom. That is about it.

On a more positive note: 18 trains was not too many trains for Christmas and the #300.00 I earned selling on ebay so I broke even. Now to add the crane and roundhouse.... Ben's Birthday is coming soon!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

How dreams hurt

I woke this morning. It was a wedding I was attending--a wedding planned by Heather. I was unhappy with the dress and decided to not be in the wedding. I then went to look for H3. I looked everywhere, I could not find her. I cried out for heaven to help me and there was silence. The lump in the back of my throat released and I woke completely sobbing. There is no escape from the pain of the loss. I can beg "please give me one more chance to tell her how very much she is loved." Please give me one more chance to sing at the top of our lungs to Billy Joel. Please give me one more chance to tell her how proud I am of her and how very much I love her. Please. I am shattered and I am not sure I will ever heal. It has been said I will not recover from this even though I tried to put it all in perspective. There is no fucking perspective. There is no catagory for this type of pain. There is no understanding. Give me relief or give me a way out. I do not laugh anymore. It is hard to smile. I hurt everywhere and I hurt constantly. One would think I would focus on my kids but I cannot seem to get beyond the feeling of desolation. There isn't enough help in this world to make it better. It will never be better. SHE IS GONE HEIDI--every relationship from the moment she died on will be tainted with the loss of my baby sister. Truly she hated herself--which seems to be a typical Davis trait. I will trade places with you Holly, and maybe we can leave together. This life seems too hard and I am just as miserable as you had been. I did not suffer the same way but I suffer silently. The next loss will not be mine, it will be me.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Just tired

How does it feel to treat me like you do? When you put your hand upon me and told me who you are?

Christmas has gone and I threw the tree out today. I am struggling to get my house in order for my parents. There is never enough I can do for the kids conspire to conspire. Their whisperings include how to spread dirt, create extra laundry and eat incenssantly. No consideration is put in to picking up after oneself but that is to change this year. All this therapy has actually been a crash course in child management. No hitting is understood. I find I am far more effective when I smother with love even when I want to beat them. Not exactly smothering but handling with love rather than anger makes a world of difference. I don't want my kids to grow up as angry as I did--an anger I still have not quiet figured out.

I took Gi out for her birthday. We haven't gone out since she was 16 so it was a nice remeberance. We were out early enough that we were home before the roads were angerous--a reason I never go out on New Years.... I have the babies for the night and I might add that the toddlers are terrors.

My life has been very busy. I am absorbing all I can for Lachy and have learned massive amounts of information. Research of Aspergers is cutting edge but there is still tons that needs to be done. Right now L is in Orlando geting a 12 hr EEG. Neurobiological and an Autism spectrum disorder, I am curious as to the interpretation of his results. That is not womthing I have researched but it is my understanding that the cause will not show up on an EEG.