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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Repairing relationships

Myles called me. His first wife died suddenly and he called to let Gi know. She was here so she got to talk to her dad. Why is it that a catastrophe has to hit before people realize that we really only have but a moment on this earth and then it is done. I am reminded of the three fates. Who is to know when our string will be cut? I am going to do my best to let those I love know that I love them with all I have. Linda went to see the dr and she was gone in a week. If that was all I was given what would I do? I can't change what I have already done so even though I can honestly say I am being a better mother, I wonder. Amazing what giving up the booze can do for you. From thi day on, every opportunity I have to be kind, I am going to take it. Even if the receiving party may not seem like they deserve it. It is not for me to judge. I am sure that if Myles and Linda could have had children they would have remained together. He probably would have moved to CA and stayed with Intel.

So many losses. It seems to be all that life is about. It is just unfortuante that we realize how much better a friend,a sister,a daughter one could be if they just kept in mind that life is fleeting. Maybe we would not act so rashly and think before we hurt somone just because we are hurt. Better yet, strive for peace and kindness. Even if one is capable of cutting put downs it does not prove you are superior.

I just had the opportunity to be purposely hurt. I think I am done now. I have already gotten rid of FB and now I am finding too much I am not seemingly able to shake. I am really upset with J and the whole situation. I wanted to be his FRIEND. I am jelos like you wouldnot believe that he has a relationship with Christine and maliciously cuts me out and off. Explain what telling me to call and then not answering the phone does for you. Explain the satisfaction you get from blocking me. Did I not share how insecure I am? I was an open book and rather than that benefitting me, I ended up having it not taken into consideration. Like when I was a teen ager and younger--I was picked on a lot. My best friend decided not to talk to me anymore because I was not popular enough. Eighth grade is hard enough and she had been my friend for years. I wish I really knew her reasoning. So, I wanted J to know every little thing about me so he had all the information. Lot of good it did.

Friday, December 20, 2013

The plan.... divorce and single motherhood

It is not secret that the man I married and I do not get along. He is an angry bitter man (damn, I can find them) and he thinks there should be no divorce. His reasoning. "no one in my family gets divorced. They fight, get drunk and have wild parties where everyone acts like ther ugly, drunken self but no divorce. This means nothing to me. I want to wake up next to the man I love. I want to do anyting and everything for somone else (within reason of course) and I know I have to get through Chritmas since I keep promising more time for him to stay. But it is so damn uncomfortable here. There is no affection between us. I feel like one of those women in an arranged marriage when before hand they think "maybe in time I will love him." I tried. I really really did becasue after the eldest grew to be school age, I thought it would be horrible for me to introduce someone new. I wanted them to know their dad and grow up with him. But I am not growing. I am trying. Oh how I have tried. But the damage is so great. I remember saying he is a fixer upper when I married him, but instead of making him a better person, he dreagged me to his level. I hate who I am right now. I want to be the kind, loving, caring person I know I am. Not the nasty, mean person who is deeply hurt and looking for healling. Unfortuanetly I need to heal alone or with a support. 17 years of healing. Is it only a year after a loss that I can meet people again? The only one I want to talk to thinks I am a mistake. It just reminds me of the day I crawled into bed with grandma and told her I didn't think my mum ever wanted me. I cried hard.

She assured me that mum wanted me a lot and now I feel again like she doesn't. She spends as little time on the phone with me and never more than a few moments here. I don't think my mum ever wanted me. Call it biology becomes biography or nature vs nurture.

Christmas brings Aunt Phyll, mum and dad to Heather's. I don't forsee any reunion athough Aunt Phyll let me live in Waltham with her and learn what a city highschool was. She also attended Ella's birth--allowing me to bite her at one point. And I need some true affection. We will see how it plays out.

So it is tense here and I am picking up writing after D sent a cup of coffee over the keyboard to the kids computer. I bought washable so it can spend 5 minutes in water and be okay. Chose not to write because I hate anyone hovering behind me when they could just log in and read when I am done. I am trying to be clear. If there is fog, it is because of the Nightquil. I think the craftsman had the right idea. Lets be ladies presumabley sipping tea... Gwen is painting us each a tea with a cup o' on the outside. Clever gifts.

So illness here, the divorce fits in with him not wanting to do anything since there is no benefit. No trade going on, LOL. I am focused on the holiday and my family. Divorce sections I have been reading on the computer just includes too many people who want to take your momey to fill out forms. The POLK web site walked me through. They are called "directions" And warning me that I may have done something wrong is not making me rush to find a grand to have them look at what I filed. Then they don't show in court? A true attorney does the paperwork and is in court for $1200. J made out when Opals dad was involved and J just wanted them to handle the divorce too. Noone had to do any work in that case. Being one's own lawyer --effective-- lawyer requires footwork. My feet are a bit tired.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

How am I?

I have just discovered I am an emotional eater. Back during Easter, I ate bags of Whopper eggs and Hershey kisses. This time it is Lindt and Ferrer Rochet. I have made myself sick and am even sleep eating. My emtional turmoil is beyond great and I am watching the pounds settle in m belly, theighs and even backa area. I joined Sparkpeople and have yet to type today's chocolate massacre. I am sure an entire bag is more than one serving.....I need to post pictures in a bathing suit and paste it everywhere to motivate me. We went to Isadora's consert last night and Ella's Student of the month this morning. Pictures when I take them off the camera.

Here she is!

And Isa after her concert:

Here is getting the Christmas tree. I was going to wait to decorate but Christmas can never be over soon enough for me. It just shows the greedy desires of man.... My last year to celebrate...

There it is. HUGE at 8 feet. Pictures of it has a blur on the lens so one will just have to imagine it decorated.

Gigi will probably be here today--and WE are mostly suffering with stomach bugs. Everyone is down and out. I am not up for the bus to Wic so I am going to reschedule because my couches are filled with children holding buckets, loads of tissue and cups of herb tea. Now as long as I can fight off this feeling of malaise, I can take care of them. I will say that BREATHE DEEP and THROAT CARE teas both pretty much suck. Force it down, I will.

So I am studdying Buddism today. I have issues with the God of my youth and find it does not really help with my inner peace. I am sick of a Christian society that does not practice what they preach. Until I change, I, too, am part of the problem--not the solution. And if EAT PRAY LOVE is in my future then why fight it. I think I will re-read it today as a field guide rather than a novel. Today I look at religion and not Asperger's (RIGHT, LOL!)

D's nephew is here. The last time I had seen Stephen, it was at my house on Wimbledon Dr and he was still a kid.

And proof that B still thinks I am the the BEST....

I am sure I wll be back, LOL. I hae twenty or so listings to put up and have been watching the ebay app as I type this and bids come in. This means what is sold must be replenished with new merchandise. Researching Disney stuff it time consuming--even the pins but I have sold one for $21. Today I ship a Doc tile that sold for $9. So that may be my day --or I will make another cup of tea and watch Disney with the kids filling my bed.

Monday, December 16, 2013

What is happening? Toys for tots and other types help

I have yet to even write an action list for today but I am well aware that the list is busy. Again I lost a post by accidentally closing the page. I am not meant to write today. I am stuck between what I want, what I cannot have and what I cannot get rid of. So I beat on, boats against the current being swept ceasely into the past. I suppose I should learn to place those I cannot trust in my past where they belong. My problem is I still hold some trust and heaps of hope.

I picked up Toys for Tot's today and was pleased to have the game of horsehoes dedicated to my careless family. Guessing at least two kids with stitches. This was done at 9 am. I have been hoping there is one probono lawyer that wants to help me since I really don't like the law. I will prepare myself with the dedication of a true lawyer--then I can remind myself why I am a biologist. Just be thorough.

J blocked me again. I did ask S to unblock J ans she responded "okay Jen, I will" I corrected her immediately and asked her to shoot me if I am another Jen. I think I got a photo of him of J before he blocked me. I wan to run my run my hands..........oh STOP. He soesn't want you!!! I was waiting to write to him witout blubbering and he took that away. Trust..... Those I trust with my life don't seem to value it. It is time to focus on bettering me and watching out for myself. Who am I kidding. I am strong, I am invincible, I will make someone an excellent mate after I finish evolving into the perfect mom. I am trying so hard.

And I give the best love with everything in me if the person I love is worthy--even when they may seem they aren't.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Parades and such

As odd as it feels, we went to the local Poinciana parade this morning. The biggest show was put on by the Sheriff's department. Our family arrived an hour before the show:

It gets better:

The bus! LOL. So basically the parade consited of all the sheriff department's vehicles and lots of kids marching poorly.

I hate parades. I spent mumber two sitting in the car. Over all, yesterday sucked. I am sick of doing things just becasue I am afraid of somone's reaction. I am brushing that shit off and from this moment on, if I don't want to do something and the world is not going to stop if I don't do it, I am going to stay home.

Now to buy the tree.....

Friday, December 13, 2013

A busy day so far.

MOTHER OF GOD I have lost this post twice!!!!

I have been excedingly busy with paperwork today and it seems that I aught to stay away from the computer. There is a ghost in the machine. Speaking of, I have been having haunting dreams of late and most have to do with change. I dreamt I lost someone close to me and I kept searching to find them, not wanting to accept they were truley gone. It is a dream that leaves a sense of sadness. So I am throwing myself into what ever I can. I have decided to become a member of the Homeowners Association her in Poinciana. It requires building and blueprint knowledge so I am kind of qualified. What I need to learn I can do it on the job--vollunteer job that is.

I am a homeschool mom again. Gwen just signed up for FLVS. I okayed her classes yesterday. I was looking through some paperwork and found a learning style test I did on both Gwen and Is when I first decided to homeschool. Damn was I thorough--makes me glad I had a scientific back ground. This should also help with the research being done on L. I am already sick of appointments. Right now he is on ABC Mouse. For $8 a month both B and L have accounts that keep track of what lessons they have worked on. They love the computer and if it can get through to them better than me then I am all for it.

So it is still morning and I am already very accomplished. Now I want to rest before Gi gets here with the kids. I am gazing now at the organized videos and the fairly clear floor. In a matter of however long it takes for them to make it through the door, a mess will ensue. I need to charge my camera.

I will need to take pictures this comig Wednesday for Ella made student of the month. She has been working so very hard since I screamed at them for their lousy grades and have become the homework /review gestapo. Anyway, it worked for El now lets see how much better then next slew of grades is.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

It is finally here: The diagnosis hits hard

I am often asked why I had so many kids. Honestly, I thought it was the only thing I could do right. And I had a body that handled pregnancy really well. Now I have a child that is diagnosed with what I consider a problem. I knew he was special and the name should not surprise me but I have no support and nothing to draw on as to do the best for him. I feel like this is another failure. I am so sad that D will be able to go on with life, find someone to make him happy and I am going to be in therapy with my son or in therapy for myself because I am overwhelmed. I cannot take one more bit of bad news. I cannot take one more child needing medication or some sort of intervention. I don't understand why I have to do this alone when I have reached out for help. The human race is so selfish. I am afraid to trust anyone and get close but I want a hug so badly. I want to hear that I am beautiful even with snot running down my face and my eyes swollen. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. My struggle has been hard this last two months with my own disorder and then I's diagnosis too. Why would a God that is a loving God allow so many children to have problems. Why would a loving God give me all these kids and make me so inept??? Why would a loving God give me something that I have to struggle with? WHY would he not send a damn lighning bolt and put me out of my misery so I don't have to bother with dissappointment, divorce, lonliness, anger, and just emptiness. EVERY TIME I let somone in, I also allow them the power to hurt me and I don't just "get over it". I still get a nervous sick feeling in my stomach when I think of J. I miss him and hope he is working things out with J for his kids sake. I just can't do the same. He didn't abuse her. I have been physically hurt too many times in just the last year.I am not going to have anyone I can share life with for kids don't take the place of a partner.

I just want to complain-- and find the jerk off that thought it okay to come into my yard and steal my bike. The boys just asked to go for a ride and I had to explain why I can not take them for a ride. GRRRR and if that is not enough, the car won't start.

This is just the tip of the iceburg, so to speak. Karma has caught up to me. I dread thinking what else is going to happen.....