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Saturday, May 4, 2013

When will the pain end?

After all the lose I have experienced, I wonder when the tears will stop. I had a breakdown last night and I don;'t even remember it. I want to buy the house on the cape back so I can see H walk through it. I am dwelling in this pain and it hurts so badly I want to start screaming and never stop. There is no end until I see her in heaven. OH I MISS YOU SOOOOOO!!!!!! Why did you have to go? Was it really that bad? I want to call you. I want to hug you. I want to know you are somewhere out there hating me. I want to know you are breathing. Instead, you are a pile of ashes, not even given the chance to decay. Your youth is guaranteed I look at your photo every day hoping the pain will lessen, hoping I will come to terms with your loss. Instead, I am in a maelstrom and I cannot get out. The pressure of the wind seeks to take my breath. The pounding of the waves pull me under but not for the relief death will bring but only to torture me. I wake from my dreams before I can touch you. I see you when you were my friend and you and I talk. Then I wake. It is almost a year and I cannot wrap anything around the reality. I seek to obliviate myself for my reality seems to suck the life out of me. Alas, I still wake. I still move through the days with you fore front in my thoughts. "if only" resounds through my barely functioning brain. Every decision I make remains suspect because I am not thinking clearly. It has become an impossibility. There is so much mess behind me that I have not even begun to heal from this. Will I ever? Please don't go. Please come back. I love you so.

H, I gave my heart to someone. I thought I was finally happy. I was for a brief moment in time. I understand a broken heart. Talk to me. I will hold your hand. We can mourn together. I want you to know I am always here for you. My dearest baby sister. Please let me help you through this. You'd be surprised at the wisdom I now have. And you can help me through my divorce. I don't know what I am doing. I am scared and I need someone. You are so needed. So very loved. Holding you in my heart is going to make it implode. It hurts. Please come back and take away some of this pain. The rest I will process, but your loss is a mountain I keep slipping down. I cannot reach the precipice. Will I ever.