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Friday, May 24, 2013

Dealing with grief

I have spent the last day grieving all sorts of loss, but with the anniversary of the first year approaching more rapidly than I would like, I am left with so many unanswered questions. It is not helping (or is it) that I am past the period of shock--that time that is supposed to last 2-3 months after the loss to protect a person from the emotional suffering when someone (the individual) loves is taken away. This natural, healthy process took the form of me running to another man to escape the reality of what was happening. My focus became being in love rather than losing a sibling. Yes, I cried during the initial days but I did not feel true grief. I was protecting myself from being overwhelmed. I have moved beyond shock.

Intense concern is not being able to think about anything else. Every single day I think of her. Pictures litter my house. I recently came across a photo taken at Pirates of the Carribean where H and I dressed up and had our photo taken with the pirate prop. That was the last trip I took as a family to Disney. I remember showing up at the house after being out all night tripping on acid to pack a bag and jump on a plane. We had a great time, from what little I can recall. It was so very long ago. Always talking about her is normal right now. Calling myself normal is a stretch but I am trying to process this and have to grasp at any positive I can find. According to sources, this last 6 months to a year. I am approaching that year mark and am straddling this and depression and despair. Having taken myself off my medication, I am trying to feel where the depression of the loss ends and true biochemical imbalance begins. I have yet to find it.

I think the most important advice I have come across is this: "It's your grief! Claim it. Experience it. Surrender to your grief. And don't let anyone take away your right to it."

My big issue seems to be anger, anger that someone who has shared a lifetime with me is gone. We girls were supposed to comfort one another with the loss of our parents.

ANGER -- Anger is a "biggie", almost universally experienced by all who grieve. It is perfectly normal and understandable for you to feel white-hot rage at the horrible injustice that has befallen you.

You may be mad at:
---Your lost loved one (for leaving you... especially in cases of suicide)
---The situation (such as a drunk driver)
---The doctors (for not saving her)
---God (for allowing this to happen)
---The whole world ('nuff said)

Now how to let the anger out with out taking out on everyone. Even a hard swim yesterday did nothing for how angry I was. I still am. And I am angry at me for being angry. (And I am bleeping pissed right now that I am having porn popups show while I am trying to process my grief.)

Not so reasurring is that when I am in need of social support the most, none is available. D is trying to comfort, but I do not want to be touched, hugged. Let me cry and stay out of my space.

Attractive and I will post this ugliness lest I ever forget this pain.

I think that is all I can handle right now. Actually, I am certain of it. I need to baby myself today. Try, anyway. I am sure D will suggest going out so I am not staring at the same walls, even if there is a pool. I will have to politely decline. Much politer than the send off he got this morning. But, as I heard something to the effect once that if someone cannot accept and love you during the bad then they don't deserve you during the good times, I shall simply be grateful that he is willing to just accept what I must go through and not try to change the process. But, rather, allow me the space to figure out what the process is.

"You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair".

-- Old Chinese Proverb