More and more grief

I am going to start this post with an "1" and then a "feel" because I feel. I feel deeply --with so much going on around me, I ended up in bed asleep at 3 in the afternoon until this morning. Life is stressful but I feel (again) like I am handling so much. Today is A's pool party and I woke to find the funds for it not available. That and my car missing again, taken by my juvenile deliquent. Yes, she has been ajudicated and I feel like a total failure. This is not suppose to happen to me. I may have been different as a teen but I did not break the "LAW". I want to protect my kids and I have failed them. I am so emotionally scarred that I want to run away and just focus on my needs but God saw fit to place all these lives under my tutelage. WHY?? And back to "why did H have to die?" Why not me? This is survivors guilt according to what I have read but it does not alleviate my "SEA CHANGE". I am not who I was last year at this time. Not even close. I mourn the loss of the old Heidi and face the new with trepidation as I face this day of actually entertaining. The family I wished would come will not and they have to figure out if they are a family. Until that time, I am causing a nuisance.

While I contemplate, I have been observing the bottom of the pool and all the "stuff" my kids have thrown in. I have found some solace in the emptiness--it is an analogy of what is going on inside of me.





Please help me get through this day and I am sure the update will be filled with labour and laughter. They are my wonderful chidlren who have never really had a party. My reasoning was that once I threw a party I would have to be super vigilant and keep throwing parties, trying to outdo myself every time. Who could forget 365 helium balloons being sent off for the 365 days of Mickeys life? The pain of filling and tying all those balloons? and adding ribbon? The whole ceiling was covered. Do you remember, Hol? Holly held the video camera......I love you and I miss you!!!!! I look at my sharpies sketch and I just well up. Other than a parent to a child there is no greater love than that of a sister to a sister. To both of my beutiful siblings....H2 I cannot talk to you right now. I hurt so much and you don't want to face your loss but know I will always be with you in spirit.