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Sunday, April 21, 2013

When will life not be so miserable?

DH has been here the last couple days and it is so obvious how much I hate him, I cannot even hide it. I hope I can forgive at some point but I don't feel like forgiving. To little to late. And even though I was honest with him about wanting and filing for divorce he still harbors some sick hope to keep me in my misery. And being totally incapable of dealing with him, I have been using alcohol to dull his presence. He hacked my FB again because he doesn't believe I should have anyone in my life--and yet begs for forgiveness. i won't even log into FB to see what damage he did. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach and he wonders why I scream how much I hate him.. I hope he finds a place soon because I am wanting to leave! And it is my house. Breakups have never been so ugly. A ring will never grace my ring finger on my left hand ever again. Marriage has sucked. 3:18 I looked and I want to cry. He called C a backstabber and she really thought it was me. I couldn't even get through all he wrote to J but I've lost yet again. He won't talk to me anymore, of that I am certain. Why did he have to invite me back? Now I have to go through all the misery again. While I still think everyday about the loss of Holly. Why wasn't it me? It should have been me. She was so beautiful and filled with light and love. She made friends easily and people loved her. I have always been on the fringes and never really able to connect with people. It isn't fair that I have to keep moving on through this life and she gets eternal rest. I am stuck in the slums of FL, she had the Cape. I was going to say "It does not change the fact that I want my life back." but my I have outlived my usefulness. Bed and chocolate are looking very appealing yet again. At least D is actively looking for a place to go. Gi just called, a mess, needing a place to stay. And as unstable as I feel right now I will have her move in. Three more kids to take care of. When is it going to be my turn? When is someone going to just love me in all my craziness, with no judgement? I am working so hard to fill this shell that I am failing. One can only pour so much out of a vessel before it is empty. I have nothing filling me back up and it is sick to rely on children to fill the empty place in ones heart. Yes, D I did give my heart to J but it matters not because I am expendable. Now I am going to be sick as I type yet again through the tears and wonder what I did wrong this time. Excuse me while I throw up.