Search This Blog

Thursday, October 10, 2013

It does not end!

What is it going to take for me to live a normal life? I never expected to have ended up where I am. Right now I am blogging while I await a DCF worker coming to question me about Gigi. This is the cordial follow up to their 1 am visit on a Sunday morning with the police.. I cannot believe that I am afflicted with anxiety and no matter how calm and organized I try to make my life, the troops and the universe is not aligning with me. The balance of power is UNBALANCED--I need to be far more strict than I am but then I would be yelling constantly. I really feel like I am managing a corporation in which none of the employees care about job security.

I'm going to "buy a ticket for the long way round, the one with the prettiest of views, its got mountains, its got rivers, its got sights to make you shiver and it sure would be prettier with you." Who is "you"? I feel bereft, empty and confused. And lonely--lonliness has been my most constant companion through most of my life. I am not sure if there was a specific, there was. UV molested me when I was 5 and mum caught him. She yelled at me rather than speak to the very confused child who did not understand the situation. I guess I believed I was bad and that negativity has followed me. I bet this also ingrained my fears of failure and success for if it looked like I was not going to be the cream of the crop then I would "act out" so I could justify failing. There are no more excuses.

I find if I make my bed and dress, the pain in my chest abates for a bit because I fully concentrate on what I am doing. Today I
learned of the plethora of uses of graphene,a crystal carbon sheet with electrical properties. I have not stopped cleaning for days. The void is avoided as long as I focus on the mundane.