Repairing relationships

Myles called me. His first wife died suddenly and he called to let Gi know. She was here so she got to talk to her dad. Why is it that a catastrophe has to hit before people realize that we really only have but a moment on this earth and then it is done. I am reminded of the three fates. Who is to know when our string will be cut? I am going to do my best to let those I love know that I love them with all I have. Linda went to see the dr and she was gone in a week. If that was all I was given what would I do? I can't change what I have already done so even though I can honestly say I am being a better mother, I wonder. Amazing what giving up the booze can do for you. From thi day on, every opportunity I have to be kind, I am going to take it. Even if the receiving party may not seem like they deserve it. It is not for me to judge. I am sure that if Myles and Linda could have had children they would have remained together. He probably would have moved to CA and stayed with Intel.

So many losses. It seems to be all that life is about. It is just unfortuante that we realize how much better a friend,a sister,a daughter one could be if they just kept in mind that life is fleeting. Maybe we would not act so rashly and think before we hurt somone just because we are hurt. Better yet, strive for peace and kindness. Even if one is capable of cutting put downs it does not prove you are superior.

I just had the opportunity to be purposely hurt. I think I am done now. I have already gotten rid of FB and now I am finding too much I am not seemingly able to shake. I am really upset with J and the whole situation. I wanted to be his FRIEND. I am jelos like you wouldnot believe that he has a relationship with Christine and maliciously cuts me out and off. Explain what telling me to call and then not answering the phone does for you. Explain the satisfaction you get from blocking me. Did I not share how insecure I am? I was an open book and rather than that benefitting me, I ended up having it not taken into consideration. Like when I was a teen ager and younger--I was picked on a lot. My best friend decided not to talk to me anymore because I was not popular enough. Eighth grade is hard enough and she had been my friend for years. I wish I really knew her reasoning. So, I wanted J to know every little thing about me so he had all the information. Lot of good it did.

Another morning of tears

I really am stuck. A week has gone by and my eyes are burning so badly I want to cry, wait, that is the reason they are burning!


I HURT like it just happened. A solid week of uncontrolled tears. Life has stopped like never before. Just stopped--it has no choce really for I have stopped. I sit and I cry. No, it isn't crying. Crying would be a few shed tears. This is a deluge of emotion that I have no conoing to gtrol over. The deep, soul deep sobbing begins in my gut--or is it my heart? It seems to swap off for when one part of my anatomy feels like it is ready to perish, another takes over. My biography is working its way out of my biology and the pain is intese. I have not meaourned like this! It has taken 15 months! What is wrong??? Was I using J as a distraction to the point that I really did not process what I had thought I had? Now with the loss of both C and J and the endof a marriage in view, I have isolated myself --so I could feel this deeply and hide? My memorial is all the more important to complete when I feel like I can get out of bed again. I know today has to be the end of hiding in bed for the week is full, followed b another right behind it. Life goes on? No it doesn't. It doesn't go on. It is not the same life. It will never be the same life. My whole falily has been destroyed. I don't know that woman who looked through her boxes in the garage. She used to be my mother. My kids have lost a grandmother through this.

Here is the schedule making me physically sick:



Please let me run away!!! I have just taken on sigle motherhood at 44 with 8 kids! What is next? Half my lif eis gone. I will never share having kids with anyone else. Noone wants to raise my kids. I will be resonsible forevrything and have noone to share with. WWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. This was not supposed to be my life, marriage, children...