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Monday, October 28, 2013

Another morning of tears

I really am stuck. A week has gone by and my eyes are burning so badly I want to cry, wait, that is the reason they are burning!

I HURT like it just happened. A solid week of uncontrolled tears. Life has stopped like never before. Just stopped--it has no choce really for I have stopped. I sit and I cry. No, it isn't crying. Crying would be a few shed tears. This is a deluge of emotion that I have no conoing to gtrol over. The deep, soul deep sobbing begins in my gut--or is it my heart? It seems to swap off for when one part of my anatomy feels like it is ready to perish, another takes over. My biography is working its way out of my biology and the pain is intese. I have not meaourned like this! It has taken 15 months! What is wrong??? Was I using J as a distraction to the point that I really did not process what I had thought I had? Now with the loss of both C and J and the endof a marriage in view, I have isolated myself --so I could feel this deeply and hide? My memorial is all the more important to complete when I feel like I can get out of bed again. I know today has to be the end of hiding in bed for the week is full, followed b another right behind it. Life goes on? No it doesn't. It doesn't go on. It is not the same life. It will never be the same life. My whole falily has been destroyed. I don't know that woman who looked through her boxes in the garage. She used to be my mother. My kids have lost a grandmother through this.

Here is the schedule making me physically sick:

Please let me run away!!! I have just taken on sigle motherhood at 44 with 8 kids! What is next? Half my lif eis gone. I will never share having kids with anyone else. Noone wants to raise my kids. I will be resonsible forevrything and have noone to share with. WWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. This was not supposed to be my life, marriage, children...