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Friday, December 20, 2013

The plan.... divorce and single motherhood

It is not secret that the man I married and I do not get along. He is an angry bitter man (damn, I can find them) and he thinks there should be no divorce. His reasoning. "no one in my family gets divorced. They fight, get drunk and have wild parties where everyone acts like ther ugly, drunken self but no divorce. This means nothing to me. I want to wake up next to the man I love. I want to do anyting and everything for somone else (within reason of course) and I know I have to get through Chritmas since I keep promising more time for him to stay. But it is so damn uncomfortable here. There is no affection between us. I feel like one of those women in an arranged marriage when before hand they think "maybe in time I will love him." I tried. I really really did becasue after the eldest grew to be school age, I thought it would be horrible for me to introduce someone new. I wanted them to know their dad and grow up with him. But I am not growing. I am trying. Oh how I have tried. But the damage is so great. I remember saying he is a fixer upper when I married him, but instead of making him a better person, he dreagged me to his level. I hate who I am right now. I want to be the kind, loving, caring person I know I am. Not the nasty, mean person who is deeply hurt and looking for healling. Unfortuanetly I need to heal alone or with a support. 17 years of healing. Is it only a year after a loss that I can meet people again? The only one I want to talk to thinks I am a mistake. It just reminds me of the day I crawled into bed with grandma and told her I didn't think my mum ever wanted me. I cried hard.

She assured me that mum wanted me a lot and now I feel again like she doesn't. She spends as little time on the phone with me and never more than a few moments here. I don't think my mum ever wanted me. Call it biology becomes biography or nature vs nurture.

Christmas brings Aunt Phyll, mum and dad to Heather's. I don't forsee any reunion athough Aunt Phyll let me live in Waltham with her and learn what a city highschool was. She also attended Ella's birth--allowing me to bite her at one point. And I need some true affection. We will see how it plays out.

So it is tense here and I am picking up writing after D sent a cup of coffee over the keyboard to the kids computer. I bought washable so it can spend 5 minutes in water and be okay. Chose not to write because I hate anyone hovering behind me when they could just log in and read when I am done. I am trying to be clear. If there is fog, it is because of the Nightquil. I think the craftsman had the right idea. Lets be ladies presumabley sipping tea... Gwen is painting us each a tea with a cup o' on the outside. Clever gifts.

So illness here, the divorce fits in with him not wanting to do anything since there is no benefit. No trade going on, LOL. I am focused on the holiday and my family. Divorce sections I have been reading on the computer just includes too many people who want to take your momey to fill out forms. The POLK web site walked me through. They are called "directions" And warning me that I may have done something wrong is not making me rush to find a grand to have them look at what I filed. Then they don't show in court? A true attorney does the paperwork and is in court for $1200. J made out when Opals dad was involved and J just wanted them to handle the divorce too. Noone had to do any work in that case. Being one's own lawyer --effective-- lawyer requires footwork. My feet are a bit tired.