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Monday, October 21, 2013

When everything appears to be going wrong...

I am so unsure of myself that I am a nervous wreck. My anniversary sucked and the going out part was the good part even though my mind was on someone else. UGH, I even called him which I wish I had not done. It is impossible to get over someone if you can't get them out of your head. I guess I need to try really hard to focus on myself. So what do I have on my list of things to be selfish? I took photos of me with my extra weight and have started a strict exercise program. It is hard for me to force myself to participate in my own torture but it is better than being subject to blatant abuse
--the sick thing is that he does not see it as abuse and when I start screaming NO he still doesn't get it. I now need trauma couseling as well as the kids who have been witnessing screaming and knowing they have no way to save me. Do I dare wrtie that I just got off the phone with him and told him yet again it is over. He has ruined sex for me. I don't want to be touched because he has made sure to hurt me--and he thinks I like it! One would think the screaming would give it away that I was not enjoying myslef. Again I want to throw up that I let him touch me. It isn't like I had much of a choice--I can't run faster than him and it is my own fault that I let him "date " me for anyone of his ilk would expect payment. It was a steeper price than I wanted to pay. I have misunderstood the aterm torture until recently. I am going to have to take some serious time to come to terms with the the systematic onslaught.

Now I am waiting until 8 am to make call. Legal aid is taking too long. Everything seems to be taking longer than I want. If I can get the paperwork through the courts before mum and dad leave, I can go with them, close this infested house up that I am incapable of taking care of andhings screw taking care of a pool. I will push myself hard. I have so many hings going on right now I am ready to crawl into bed--old behavior. fortuntley I will be seeing my psychiatrist to evaluate. Meds that is.. I have evaluated my lide, found it laking and am very sure I am taking the right steps. Legail aid finally returned my call and I guess I just wait. This is the story of my life. Waiting for things to get better. This time I am doing the footwork. Please, dear Lord strengthen me becasue it is a long uphill battle and I am dealing with so many pesonalities. The next phone call is for a parenting classso I can learn more than the computer is teachingme and I can have some adult interaction. Part of my mental illness results in my isolation, This makes it harder to deal with life. So before my parents and G arrive, I am working through this pile of paperwork. I am ready to cry since I have called S four tiems and keep getting cut off and now they want me to try back at a different time.....right, cross it off, add it, cross it off add it back to the list. aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Just focus on the prize. I will be rid of the thorn in my side. I cannot believe I can feel scared and exhilerated at the same time.