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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

It is finally here: The diagnosis hits hard

I am often asked why I had so many kids. Honestly, I thought it was the only thing I could do right. And I had a body that handled pregnancy really well. Now I have a child that is diagnosed with what I consider a problem. I knew he was special and the name should not surprise me but I have no support and nothing to draw on as to do the best for him. I feel like this is another failure. I am so sad that D will be able to go on with life, find someone to make him happy and I am going to be in therapy with my son or in therapy for myself because I am overwhelmed. I cannot take one more bit of bad news. I cannot take one more child needing medication or some sort of intervention. I don't understand why I have to do this alone when I have reached out for help. The human race is so selfish. I am afraid to trust anyone and get close but I want a hug so badly. I want to hear that I am beautiful even with snot running down my face and my eyes swollen. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. My struggle has been hard this last two months with my own disorder and then I's diagnosis too. Why would a God that is a loving God allow so many children to have problems. Why would a loving God give me all these kids and make me so inept??? Why would a loving God give me something that I have to struggle with? WHY would he not send a damn lighning bolt and put me out of my misery so I don't have to bother with dissappointment, divorce, lonliness, anger, and just emptiness. EVERY TIME I let somone in, I also allow them the power to hurt me and I don't just "get over it". I still get a nervous sick feeling in my stomach when I think of J. I miss him and hope he is working things out with J for his kids sake. I just can't do the same. He didn't abuse her. I have been physically hurt too many times in just the last year.I am not going to have anyone I can share life with for kids don't take the place of a partner.

I just want to complain-- and find the jerk off that thought it okay to come into my yard and steal my bike. The boys just asked to go for a ride and I had to explain why I can not take them for a ride. GRRRR and if that is not enough, the car won't start.

This is just the tip of the iceburg, so to speak. Karma has caught up to me. I dread thinking what else is going to happen.....