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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The dam couldn't handle a finger any more

I didn't sleep last night. I decided that the Defenders of the Constitution promted me to analyze the Bill of Rights. Today was spent with Gi and M wrapped in my arms. Mum and Dad delivered H's Acura to G and it was nice that she could fit every baby into a seat. What she did to the truck however, has really ticked him off. It is waitng in the driveway for brakes--calipers and all.

Today I cry. While I slept a bit, I have regressed a couple months. Opening the driver's door to H's car left me fleeing in tears. They are plauguing me now. I watch the Duggars and I mourn for what I did not have. Josh and Anna's wedding is on and I am crying --so reiculous! I made my choices and now play out the other half of life. Oh, I plan something better but as Steinbeck said "the best laid plans of mice and men..." don't often work out as planned.

I have been trying to join a parenting group because my personality is too easy on my kids. I would say I wish I was a task master but luckily for my kids, they have a mum they can talk to and that doesn't make them do things that are my responsibility. Chore charts are up and each chore is worth 7 minutes of computer time. Having lived derision and disrespect toward the human race, it is expected that my kids need to be bribed. They are keeping their rooms clean and tidying areas they use. The main probelem is keeping feeod in one area. Terminix won't be here for another 6 days to spray inside and out. Cock roach babies are white and I have them birthed all over my counter each morning. Filling the sink to do dishes sucked.

So, since I have separated from emotion as best I can (anger is a sufficient sheild), these tears are bothersome. Where is the regression? As usual, LIVESTRONG helped:

The testing phase requires that you adjust to an environment without your loved one. These adjustments can be both physical and emotional, but cannot occur until after you have experienced the profound sadness of loss. You may need to find new ways of doing things, make lifestyle changes, or engage in self growth and exploration.

Read more:

PROFOUND SADNESS, PROFOUND SADNESS. Were you sad Rob as you stood over my sister's headstone??? Did you play the part of the grieved ex when you were a major part of her pain? You took her kids! You took away her reason! Have you no clue what that does to a woman? We carried that child! Yes, WE--all women who have been destroyed because a man does not want to pay child support! Your family owns a fucking company! And it hurt you to do your duty as a father? Yup, destroy and malign the mum--you can afford the lawyers. My family feels they have to coddle your spoiled ass so they do not get cut off form C,C and T. I spit on you and I don't spit. THANK YOU LORD that J took my id for whatever reason. Otherwise a quiet ceremony would have gone ALL wrong. Now that M is ready to talk about her loss, we have been spending a lot of time on the phone. I guess he is truly the first of her close circle that I have grieved with. Yes, MY ex.....

I HATE this! Make it stop! I cannot keep drugging myself to sleep!

I am sure recent and pending losses and MAJOR changes have to do with another revealuation. For this moment, though, I am shutting down for a bit.