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Sunday, September 29, 2013

Today, I start to heal?

I made sure I pushed J as far away as I could. I wrote horrible things to him, writing as mean as I possibly could and rather than feeling a sense of relief he won't be able to hurt me again, I am sorry I hurt him. I am not sure what I did to receive a text that should have been sent to his ex, but it seems like I have been who he takes his anger out on. Oh Lord, I fell in love and it hurts so badly. I never want to love again. I survived so long not loving that I had forgotten how much it hurts when it ends. This is why D was always so safe--I didn't and don't love him so he can hurt me but my heart is protected. I just realized that this self protection even includes my kids. They can tell me they hate me and it doesn't hurt. S said J is damaged but I think I am just as damaged. I do hope she calls him but I really only want the best for him and maybe if his family becomes involved he won't feel so indebted to Jen.

This may be my last post on this blog. I am emotionally stunted and don't feel this has help me grow at all. I processed one of the deepests pains one could imagine and the kids have passed homeschool into the failing public school system. Because I am only a shell or shadow of the woman I once was, I don't have the strength to homeshcool them. I don't want to get out of bed. I have nothing to prove to anyone and noone really cares anyway.

I dabbled in a few things and have concluded I am truly not interested. Peversion is not really in me. I had fun while it lasted, being a pretend femme fatale. Now I am back to being frumpy Heidi that noone will give a second look. This is fine. I have done the research and found that the payback for the amount of work required to sart a site does not pay off so to speak. And LORD knows I don't want to make a career out of flogging people--just ick. To all those true Mistresses, my hat is off to you because it is a lot of work. Just the research involved is daunting and I did a lot of reading.

As for dating--laugh out loud. Legal Aid is doing my intake on October first and I am not even fit to be friends with animals, never mind someone's girlfriend. Whatever that Zoosk thing is on fb that I joined way back in 2009 had not been used. Yes, I have gotten messages but I never reponded to anyone. My heart wasn't into meeting anyone in 2009 because I thought so little of myself and not much has changed. further, I thought I had met the man that made me happy. As usually, I was wrong. I feel so used, and that I allowed it makes me feel even worse about myself. If that were possible. . .So the focus needs to be on me and if I have to force myself through the days,then so be it. Thankfully D is starting a truck driving job where I will not see him. His goal it to get back home. I don't know how I am going to get out of here but even Sam thinks I need to leave FL and she has only been an internet friend. One day, when I am not looking, somone will ask me what I am reading and he will have read it too. I will share that my favorite story is Cinderella and, like her, I am awaiting my prince. Coffee will be sipped, laughter will ring and I will realize my edges are no longer fuzzy and I feel solid again. Someday.