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Monday, April 14, 2014

WHAT am I thinking?

I am one very confused human being.  I will have one aspect of my life working and another falling apart--and not just crumbling but disinergrating.  I think I want to do what is for the better good but I always end up screwing myself.  No, I am not always first.  10 people have beat me out.  And not of those ten are going on any vacation this summer.  I finally realized that I was expected to buy 4 tickets and get my girls up North so they can have a break.  WHAT!!???  I may still have my ticket from when I missed H3's memorial so that cost is negated.  I's car will be on the Cape so no need to rent.  H2 and I can share.  The best part of all this is she said she likes to spend her time alone.  The answer "That is what I intended.  I need to be alone with all of this for I have allowed it to fester even if I have post after post of healing."  It is time to mourn and mourn hard.  Just make it until July and fall apart as far away from family I as I can be.

And I am filing for cusody of  the girls while I am married otherwise dad with think I am not thinking straight.  As far as everyone is concerned, life here is great.  For years I have hidden and I can hide again until I am finished with the "list".  Just act pleasant and fake.  I can fake it.  I have managed for three years wanting to be with someone else and never being able to have him.  A few more months of this then another year of getting over him and I will be okay.

Denise showed up on Friday and decided she was moving in with me because she is getting divorced.  She slept on and ruined my couch then was informed that I cannot have people living with me any more. I grew up with it and I don't want it.  It is unhealthy.  She has taken her luggage home.  I am to kind and no matter how nasty I can be when hurt, I will always be too kind.  Thank you D for telling her to leave because I need a backbone.  FL people just take advantage.  ALL of them that I have tried to help when I cannot even help myself.  Therapy is done.  Now I am doing my therapist's Bankruptcy petition.  WTF! I have been more help to her than she has been to me.  I continue to need assertiveness training.  A support group for Aspergers would be nice that isn't 30 miles away.  D is not support and I think he sucks as a parent.  Yes, he takes them places but he knows nothing, has learned nothing and does not listen.  It has all been my way?  REALLY?  It was my way when I was being systimatically destroyed?  I hate facing that there can be no true reconciliation.  Too much damage.  I wanted a normal family life and I got this.  Somew I allowed, some snuck in but the result is just an uncomfortable existence and Iwant better.  Sorry D, I did it to you again.  Trying ot follow the advice of those who supposedly know better.  Can't do it.

Matches my mood as usual.