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Saturday, February 15, 2014

Anniversary, birthdays and death

Tomorrow is the 14th and she should be celebrating, not ashes in a box. The pain has not lessened and the tears have not stopped. I hurt and can't escape. H2 may talk to everyone about her suicide but I close off. I want to close down because this life is not what I expected. My life has been a waste.

Fast forward--Yesterday was the 14th and I was going to get a tattoo and visit Spill. H2 could not fit me in and my house has the plague. The probelm with so many sick is that there is no getting ahead of the germs. How did I cope? I slept the day away with Amelia beside me. The bug has been debilitating--and messy.

Mum, dad G and the kids have arrived on the Cape. This, too is going to be ugly. M finally stepped up but this, too, is going to be a catastrophe. I cannot find anything good in anything right now and was just told that I think the world owes me a living. I want it to take my "living" away so somone has it wrong. Kick me when I am down. All the men in my life do.

So I am done, done with caring, done with trying and done with feeling the pain I feel regularly. What I am going to do about it, I have no idea but I had better come up with something. I am already dead inside. I loath depression.