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Friday, March 29, 2013

ENOUGH!!!!!

I cannot believe the calamity that has been the last two weeks.  I have had the police at the house twice for stolen medication and a stolen car.  I have bailed G out of juvi and had to pick I up for W for stealing.  G also is charged with marijuana.  while in custody she got another charge.  He also thought it a good idea to empty my bank account so there is no Easter Bunny coming to my house this year.  May not suck for her but  I have a 12, 9, 7, 6, 4 and 3 year old that are going to wonder what is going on.  Not that they don't see the chaos.  ALL this and I am taking them to church but getting no help even when I blatantly ask for it.  I don't understand how D manages to get people to do stuff for him all the time but I struggle.  The divorce is also going to be a struggle.  He claims he will leave if I want him to but I know he won't.  I have allowed him to ruin so much of my life and I fear he is just going to ruin the rest of it.  I lost a relationship with J because of him.  I kept telling him to go and he wouldn't.  I guess being alone is what I am meant to be.  I am having such a hard time directing these kids and every day seems like it is a struggle.  My mom is an empty shell as well as my dad now that H is buried.  Dad visits her grave every week and mom can't deal..  I am trying to process her death while dealing teen bs and growing children.  Who has it harder?  It is not a contest but I really want a hug that isn't attached to a three year old.  An adult cannot depend on their kids to build them up.  I cannot believe the sense of loss I have.  And dealing with the egocentrism I am on a daily basis is tearing me apart.  What does it take for kids to "get it".  I am bone weary tired.

This is where I would like to stay:
 
Cotton ball, my childhood teddy bear is hiding under the covers.  It has been a BAD week.