Anxiety and depression

Maybe there is no such thing. I wish anyway. It is one of those weeks where I can feel the waves of anxiety wash over me. I loathe this feeling because I feel so impotent. Medication cannot help me--or it isn't helping anymore. I don't know that there has ever been a greater need for me to connect with people and I don't know if there has ever been a time I have felt more alone. I am avoiding the phone and FB. All I want to do is hide.


What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following symptoms for at least a two-week period:

Persistent sadness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
Insomnia or oversleeping
Weight gain or loss
Fatigue, lack of energy
Anxiety, agitation, irritability
Thoughts of suicide or death
Slow speech; slow movements

Of these I suffer every symptom. I woke this morning with the weight of the world on my chest. Dreams were disconcerting and anxiety filled. Even more difficult to deal with is the pain throughout my entire body. It hurts to move and it is all in my head--literally. I cannot wait to get back to the Cape. Too many bad memories everywhere. At least I will have a bit of a support network. Oh to just hang out with all my highschool friends! No husband...wow I cannot believe how my life has turned out. I ask repeatedly what I have done, or more what can I do to change from here on out. I have been accused of being selfish. Maybe I have been. It is certainly sefish of me to enjoy pg so much that I had more children than I can afford. I have been selfish in wanting more time to myself. I was selfish thinking to throw away everything that is simply my responsiblility to run off with J. I am so grateful that I had a small window of bliss once I let down my defenses and just loved freely. I remember the moment I did so and how afraid I was of feeling fully. Love freely for it may be your last chance. I have vowed to love my children with all my heart. They are to come first--they need to come first. They need to come first.

Unfortunately for me, I have had a set back. I had hoped to see some change in my thinking pattern. With the mess Gigi has handed me, I am faced with being under the microscope again. I already have therapists coming to my home for everyone and I am trying to maintain the busy schedule that comes with taking care of kids. This had been a lesson in futility for I am overwhelmed. I just want sleep and more sleep. I am rested but feel like I have been up for days, Today I can just claim that it being an overcaste day makes it okay to stay in bed, R should be here just before lunch and I don't feel like talking. I want to isolate. I need a postive for the day: I am a good cook and my kids like what I make them. How trite but I have to take baby steps again and feed on pablum. There is no rush to anything since I don't have anyone waiting for me--loving me from afar LOL!!! Just get me through today. That is all I ask.

Today, I start to heal?

I made sure I pushed J as far away as I could. I wrote horrible things to him, writing as mean as I possibly could and rather than feeling a sense of relief he won't be able to hurt me again, I am sorry I hurt him. I am not sure what I did to receive a text that should have been sent to his ex, but it seems like I have been who he takes his anger out on. Oh Lord, I fell in love and it hurts so badly. I never want to love again. I survived so long not loving that I had forgotten how much it hurts when it ends. This is why D was always so safe--I didn't and don't love him so he can hurt me but my heart is protected. I just realized that this self protection even includes my kids. They can tell me they hate me and it doesn't hurt. S said J is damaged but I think I am just as damaged. I do hope she calls him but I really only want the best for him and maybe if his family becomes involved he won't feel so indebted to Jen.

This may be my last post on this blog. I am emotionally stunted and don't feel this has help me grow at all. I processed one of the deepests pains one could imagine and the kids have passed homeschool into the failing public school system. Because I am only a shell or shadow of the woman I once was, I don't have the strength to homeshcool them. I don't want to get out of bed. I have nothing to prove to anyone and noone really cares anyway.

I dabbled in a few things and have concluded I am truly not interested. Peversion is not really in me. I had fun while it lasted, being a pretend femme fatale. Now I am back to being frumpy Heidi that noone will give a second look. This is fine. I have done the research and found that the payback for the amount of work required to sart a site does not pay off so to speak. And LORD knows I don't want to make a career out of flogging people--just ick. To all those true Mistresses, my hat is off to you because it is a lot of work. Just the research involved is daunting and I did a lot of reading.

As for dating--laugh out loud. Legal Aid is doing my intake on October first and I am not even fit to be friends with animals, never mind someone's girlfriend. Whatever that Zoosk thing is on fb that I joined way back in 2009 had not been used. Yes, I have gotten messages but I never reponded to anyone. My heart wasn't into meeting anyone in 2009 because I thought so little of myself and not much has changed. further, I thought I had met the man that made me happy. As usually, I was wrong. I feel so used, and that I allowed it makes me feel even worse about myself. If that were possible. . .So the focus needs to be on me and if I have to force myself through the days,then so be it. Thankfully D is starting a truck driving job where I will not see him. His goal it to get back home. I don't know how I am going to get out of here but even Sam thinks I need to leave FL and she has only been an internet friend. One day, when I am not looking, somone will ask me what I am reading and he will have read it too. I will share that my favorite story is Cinderella and, like her, I am awaiting my prince. Coffee will be sipped, laughter will ring and I will realize my edges are no longer fuzzy and I feel solid again. Someday.

More and more grief

I am going to start this post with an "1" and then a "feel" because I feel. I feel deeply --with so much going on around me, I ended up in bed asleep at 3 in the afternoon until this morning. Life is stressful but I feel (again) like I am handling so much. Today is A's pool party and I woke to find the funds for it not available. That and my car missing again, taken by my juvenile deliquent. Yes, she has been ajudicated and I feel like a total failure. This is not suppose to happen to me. I may have been different as a teen but I did not break the "LAW". I want to protect my kids and I have failed them. I am so emotionally scarred that I want to run away and just focus on my needs but God saw fit to place all these lives under my tutelage. WHY?? And back to "why did H have to die?" Why not me? This is survivors guilt according to what I have read but it does not alleviate my "SEA CHANGE". I am not who I was last year at this time. Not even close. I mourn the loss of the old Heidi and face the new with trepidation as I face this day of actually entertaining. The family I wished would come will not and they have to figure out if they are a family. Until that time, I am causing a nuisance.

While I contemplate, I have been observing the bottom of the pool and all the "stuff" my kids have thrown in. I have found some solace in the emptiness--it is an analogy of what is going on inside of me.





Please help me get through this day and I am sure the update will be filled with labour and laughter. They are my wonderful chidlren who have never really had a party. My reasoning was that once I threw a party I would have to be super vigilant and keep throwing parties, trying to outdo myself every time. Who could forget 365 helium balloons being sent off for the 365 days of Mickeys life? The pain of filling and tying all those balloons? and adding ribbon? The whole ceiling was covered. Do you remember, Hol? Holly held the video camera......I love you and I miss you!!!!! I look at my sharpies sketch and I just well up. Other than a parent to a child there is no greater love than that of a sister to a sister. To both of my beutiful siblings....H2 I cannot talk to you right now. I hurt so much and you don't want to face your loss but know I will always be with you in spirit.

Grasping grief and forging through it

It has been a period of time where I actually analyzed where I am in processing H's suicide. I have contacted a Grief group that meets on Wednesday so I can get help for dealing with this minus my family members who have not been able to even start the process. H-2 said she would wait until she graduated with her BA--it has been a bit of time and she does not realize She, me and FB no longer interact. She will deal on her clock. Mum does not want to talk about it and Dad now goes to church every Sunday and takes his coffee to sit at her headstone--location I still do not know of.

First:

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/brochures/adults_grieving_the_death_of_a_sibling.aspx

I however, I look forward to not being shut out and off. My grief is real and my methods are sound. Or a group setting is needed for me right now.

Links to the site:


http://www.griefshare.org/



This is Wednesday nights... In Celebration FL. A trip to group sharing instead of the family/friend support fills that void.
l

Here is an article on adults suffering the death of sibling:

http:ww.compassionatefriends.org/brochures/adults_grieving_the_death_of_a_sibling.aspx

The Loss of Future

When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations, anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the birth of a new nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events will never again take place.

What Adult Siblings May Expect

Survivor guilt is normal. Siblings usually have a relationship where they seek to protect each other. Despite the physical distance that may separate them as adults, this need to have provided protection weighs heavily in the aftermath of the loss.
Guilt about how the relationship was maintained is common. So often as adults, the sibling relationship has changed from younger years.. Each travels a separate path, and sometimes communication is lacking and ambivalent feelings about maintaining the relationship surface. No matter how good a relationship may have been, the survivor often believes it should have been better, causing guilt.
Anger over a new role within the family often occurs. A surviving sibling may now be the one expected to care for aging parents, and he or she may have to step into the role of guardian for nieces and nephews. Remaining family members may look to surviving siblings for guidance. All these situations are possible reasons to feel anger over a sibling’s death.
Fear of mortality. When a brother or sister dies, it is natural for the surviving sibling or siblings to look at their own lives and question how many years they have left, and what their deaths would do to the family.
Surviving siblings may find positive changes within their lives. These may include greater emotional strength, increased independence, and a soul-searching reexamination of religious beliefs. Some survivors feel the need to make a change in their life’s work, such as becoming a therapist, or working to effect a change in the area that took the life of the sibling.
Even when a sibling has died, a connection still remains. Surviving brothers and sisters think about them; talk about them; remember them at special times such as birthdays, holidays, and death dates; and may create a memorial of some type. This connection with the sibling who died does not have to be given up to move forward in life.

Another full day...

HMMM, and it has just started. I am really unhappy with everything. I wish I was not wise to the world for it was so much nicer being ignorant. Apparently there is a group of kids in my neighborhood who steal things like stereos from cars. I and A got caught out after curfew and arrested. Then they were questions extensively. I could not help but point out the detective's very BAD attitude and explained to him if he wished to speak to my daughter he had best change it (the attitude, that is) He made the mistake of saying "I don't have to be respectful to suspects of crimes. They are criminals" WRONG I replied "So what you are saying is that if one is suspected of a crime they become subhuman--unworthy of being spoken to rather than yelled at." His reply was "I don't believe this" and very exastperated when I told him he was done speaking to my daughter in the accusing tone of voice and that he would not be allowed access to A. Period. Police don't like me but I am of the understanding that people have rights under the Declaration that allow life, liberty, pursuit of happiness but mainly that all men are created equal and afforded the same protections wether or not a suspect. So now I am dealing with both I and A being charged with what ever. I am sure I will find out soon enough. I am fed up with police issues. They annoy the hell out of me. I will be grateful to have this all behind me.


My home is a house divided still. I am trying so hard to just make it trough the days without being miserable that D is here. Not that it matters overly much since I guess I really hurt J beyond repair. I certainly will pay far more attention to my actions in the future. Right now, though I am gaining strength each day and becoming more capable of being the care giver. D is barely here, which limits argument time and he is looking around for a place to live. I know pride cometh before the fall and I am not trying to be boastful but I am amazed at how my thinking is changing and how my priorities have become less selfish and more altruistic. That does not mean any more teens are allowed over. The neighborhood kids have taken enough from me and I remain forever trusting. Or I was trusting, now I am going to be suspicious of everyone since I was informed by the police that this area is the equivalent of the inner city but with nicer houses. Oh J, I guess, since he has uncircled me that he really is not interested. When I think about it too much I still get this twinge that goes through my body. How can I miss someone that I never truly had? It boggles me to no end how grief works and I am processing so much grief. I keep saying I will research how to mend a broken heart but I cannot get my fingers to type it in google for I am afraid I won't believe what I am reading. Supposedly my heart will go on. That is what the song claims. But maybe it won't. What then? Am I going to be one of those old ladies that has a million cats because I cannot relate to people and I will die and not be found for weeks because no one cares? Yup, that is the bleak future I am facing. I need to get over being 43 and divorced. I never thought I would actually do it and now it so evident that this is how my future is going to play out.

Now something to make you smile--or me smile before I get back to my Brain book.....