In support of grief --one year down

I read this and found it eloquently spoke of the true nature of grief.

To everyone else, the death of that being you loved for his own sake, or her own sake, is an event that occurs on a certain day. For you the death only begins that day. It is not an event: it is only the first moment in a process that lives in you, springing up into the present, engulfing you years, decades, later as though it were the first moment again



I am going to continue to work through my loss but it will always be there. I can only help that it has made me more compassionate and to value people: especially the little ones whose lives I am the role model for.

I guess it is trying for normality that allows one to move forward. A tiny clip of time here or there when great pain receded for a bit. It is found in a child's laughter, a purring kitten, the fresh smell of line hung sheets, a wood stove that needs to be stoked it is in h these simple motions, I can find acceptance. I don't cry nearly as much, I blame noting on her that is going on my relationships-- I cannot be all things to all people but I can give it my best attempt. I have rethought everything though and that is painful. I cry. I cry, I CRY. . I research everything and understand the process at work. I repeatedly experience the first moment: "Heidi. Holly's GONE" but not nearly as often. Her headstone:



Daddy goes to the cemetary each Sunday after church, with his coffee, I wonder what they talk about. Could things have been different? I wonder..... He will never tell and I will never ask. This grief is an invisible cloak we wear at times. Some times I take it off but most of often it is resting on my shoulders rather than covering my whole being. The hood is off.

This is the start of healing, always remembering it will always be the first moment.


To Holly:
This is probably the last picture of you while you had breath. I wish I could see more into your eyes. The smile did not reach there:
,

Here is where I am supposed to relate when I want to figure out truly why. Was it really mental illness, undiagnosed, biological exacerbated by alcohol? More than 80 percent of suicides are due to misdiagnosed mental illness. Then I look at my genetic progeny and wonder if it will be any of them that I lose to this disease.

But here we are at the last step.
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.


http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

I LOVE YOU HOLLY. I WILL NEVER HAVE YOU FAR FROM ME.

So very close: 1 year of grief

As I approach the one year anniversary of H's death, the anxiety that wakes me increases and I gasp from sleep to waking, catching my breath. I know not what clings to my dreams, only that the sense of loss is still so very prevalent in my life. I have been irrevocably changed--punctuated by repetition in every site I have visited in dealing with a loved one's suicide. I have been trying to work through the "what may well be the worst pain you will ever feel." (http://www.allianceofhope.org) There is no doubt that I miss H but the pain seems to be lessening. I have researched and commiserated, used biology to help explain how I am feeling. The memorial that surrounded me has slowly receded back into drawers and I no longer think about her every waking moment. There is no true closure but I have survived. On Friday-it will be one year at approximately 9:30 pm June 12th on a Thursday, one year ago, she left this earth. Her remains are mere ash but her memory is celebrated in every tear I cry. I miss you, baby sister.



What of my family? Each of us has been in our own private painful world trying our best to deal with this taboo. Suicide is not readily discussed and as often as I repeat what happened, I don't want to believe it. It makes no sense. I just need to read her journal, as sparse as it may be. Maybe so I can understand? Maybe for a release of any blame I place on myself?

According to http://www.recover-from-grief.com/stages-of-grief.html

•See, you're really not going crazy!

•Many others have had to travel this hard road before you. You are not alone.

•Grief is a long-term process, and you will have good days and bad.

•There is hope-- brighter days lie ahead for you.

•You will never return to your pre-grief state, but you will eventually find joy in life in new ways that you invent.

•There really are no true "stages of grief" and no time frame for mourning.





...in this second stage, you will come to a more orderly existence, but you will feel lonely and depressed, alternating with waves of intense grief. The "roller coaster ride" of grief. As long as your emotions are moving and changing, unpredictable, and "fluid", your grief is right on track.

Surrender to it, and let the grief take you where you need to go. Your grief is wiser than you.

This active grieving stage, suffering, lasts for months, and even intermittently for years. It is a normal and necessary part of grieving, and it is important not to avoid it, delay it, ignore it or suppress it. To the contrary, it is important that you experience it


RECOVERY-

New grief stages...

Many but not all who grieve start to see some improvement in their emotions after a year has passed. Acceptance and full recovery don't happen overnight. Your depression and despair will just slowly start to turn a corner and lighten up for you.

This stage is not the end of pain, but the ability to function with it and reconnect to the interesting and happy parts of life. Your great hurt will never be forgotten... it just recedes into the background of your life. Other more immediate demands will start to take precedence. Your son's soccer game will take on some importance for you once again.

And you may see ONE benefit from your grief experience... a new appreciation for the preciousness of life and a new-found ability to live life in the moment.


http://www.recover-from-grief.com/new-grief-stages.html

Here is where I sit.....as Friday draws near.


"We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else".
--- Sigmund Freud (1961)




"I'll cry with you,"
she whispered
"until we run out of tears.
Even if it's forever.
We'll do it together."


There it was . . . a simple
promise of connection.


The loving alliance of
grief and hope that
blesses both our breaking
apart and our coming
together again.

Molly Fumia, Safe Passage

Grasping grief and forging through it

It has been a period of time where I actually analyzed where I am in processing H's suicide. I have contacted a Grief group that meets on Wednesday so I can get help for dealing with this minus my family members who have not been able to even start the process. H-2 said she would wait until she graduated with her BA--it has been a bit of time and she does not realize She, me and FB no longer interact. She will deal on her clock. Mum does not want to talk about it and Dad now goes to church every Sunday and takes his coffee to sit at her headstone--location I still do not know of.

First:

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/brochures/adults_grieving_the_death_of_a_sibling.aspx

I however, I look forward to not being shut out and off. My grief is real and my methods are sound. Or a group setting is needed for me right now.

Links to the site:


http://www.griefshare.org/



This is Wednesday nights... In Celebration FL. A trip to group sharing instead of the family/friend support fills that void.
l

Here is an article on adults suffering the death of sibling:

http:ww.compassionatefriends.org/brochures/adults_grieving_the_death_of_a_sibling.aspx

The Loss of Future

When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations, anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the birth of a new nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events will never again take place.

What Adult Siblings May Expect

Survivor guilt is normal. Siblings usually have a relationship where they seek to protect each other. Despite the physical distance that may separate them as adults, this need to have provided protection weighs heavily in the aftermath of the loss.
Guilt about how the relationship was maintained is common. So often as adults, the sibling relationship has changed from younger years.. Each travels a separate path, and sometimes communication is lacking and ambivalent feelings about maintaining the relationship surface. No matter how good a relationship may have been, the survivor often believes it should have been better, causing guilt.
Anger over a new role within the family often occurs. A surviving sibling may now be the one expected to care for aging parents, and he or she may have to step into the role of guardian for nieces and nephews. Remaining family members may look to surviving siblings for guidance. All these situations are possible reasons to feel anger over a sibling’s death.
Fear of mortality. When a brother or sister dies, it is natural for the surviving sibling or siblings to look at their own lives and question how many years they have left, and what their deaths would do to the family.
Surviving siblings may find positive changes within their lives. These may include greater emotional strength, increased independence, and a soul-searching reexamination of religious beliefs. Some survivors feel the need to make a change in their life’s work, such as becoming a therapist, or working to effect a change in the area that took the life of the sibling.
Even when a sibling has died, a connection still remains. Surviving brothers and sisters think about them; talk about them; remember them at special times such as birthdays, holidays, and death dates; and may create a memorial of some type. This connection with the sibling who died does not have to be given up to move forward in life.

When will the pain end?

After all the lose I have experienced, I wonder when the tears will stop. I had a breakdown last night and I don;'t even remember it. I want to buy the house on the cape back so I can see H walk through it. I am dwelling in this pain and it hurts so badly I want to start screaming and never stop. There is no end until I see her in heaven. OH I MISS YOU SOOOOOO!!!!!! Why did you have to go? Was it really that bad? I want to call you. I want to hug you. I want to know you are somewhere out there hating me. I want to know you are breathing. Instead, you are a pile of ashes, not even given the chance to decay. Your youth is guaranteed I look at your photo every day hoping the pain will lessen, hoping I will come to terms with your loss. Instead, I am in a maelstrom and I cannot get out. The pressure of the wind seeks to take my breath. The pounding of the waves pull me under but not for the relief death will bring but only to torture me. I wake from my dreams before I can touch you. I see you when you were my friend and you and I talk. Then I wake. It is almost a year and I cannot wrap anything around the reality. I seek to obliviate myself for my reality seems to suck the life out of me. Alas, I still wake. I still move through the days with you fore front in my thoughts. "if only" resounds through my barely functioning brain. Every decision I make remains suspect because I am not thinking clearly. It has become an impossibility. There is so much mess behind me that I have not even begun to heal from this. Will I ever? Please don't go. Please come back. I love you so.

H, I gave my heart to someone. I thought I was finally happy. I was for a brief moment in time. I understand a broken heart. Talk to me. I will hold your hand. We can mourn together. I want you to know I am always here for you. My dearest baby sister. Please let me help you through this. You'd be surprised at the wisdom I now have. And you can help me through my divorce. I don't know what I am doing. I am scared and I need someone. You are so needed. So very loved. Holding you in my heart is going to make it implode. It hurts. Please come back and take away some of this pain. The rest I will process, but your loss is a mountain I keep slipping down. I cannot reach the precipice. Will I ever.

Death in family

It started with H and her tragic suicide. Since then, I's houseguest 's mother died the day before Easter. Oh how I did not know how to handle it and I is not being his friend right now. He wants to live with me, but life in this house is changing. I need to do some teenage computer source on information for dilinquents. I am YELLING for the past coupled days. I am TIRED of doing everything here and everything is being taken away from them; tomorrow I need to move the toys into the garage behind the mattress. Time to see how the truly underprivledged live. Margaret Thatcher passed--the woman listed as my favorite facebook when told she would not make much of herself in highshcool she replied "you are thwarting my ambition. She has her twins in Lawschool. She truly was the Iron lady--especially a lady. On top of this bs with my girls, Dad has a heart attack. Mum called from CCH. He ended up needing surgery. Praise the Lord and prayers for his health. To much death.