Holly's story

My baby sister was born February 14, 1975 to a middle class Cape Cod family. We didn't grow up with an abundance but we had the beach and life was safe. She loved and looked up to me and I can remmeber trying to get her to leave me and my friends alone during the summer months. I wish now that I had not been so selfish. I think this is why it bothers me terribly now when my kids are not getting along. She was the baby of the family and was considered the baby for years. I remember the day I yelled at mum asking when she would no longer be the baby anymore. I just did not understand motherhood or the feelings associated with the last child. I do now. When I think about it, she was my baby too. I would often get up and change her in the morning, playing until mum woke. Yes, she was the baby.

Like all babies, she grew and grew. The funniest memory I have was when Heather and I tried to tackle her and she has us both pinned. We were both laughing so hard we could not fight back. This was when we reached our teens and although I am 6 years older, we all became great friends. God, I miss that time. I moved out and had two babies. Holly was always there, babysitting, and being a companion to me--she was my best friend. But I went away to school and she went away for drinking--when she came home, she hated me. I am sure there is much more to it but we were never close again. Marriages followed and then her divorce from the love of her life. He was relentless in torturing her, taking her into court at least 11 times to take her kids from her. The day before he was to succeed, she hung herself. Sadly, not even a year had passed since she found her new husband hanging in the garage three weeks after they married. I now know one person every 13 minutes dies from suicide and there are 8-25 attempts per death. Staggering.

I found out she was gone by those very words uttered by my husband. "Heidi, Holly is gone." Since she had four previous attemtps since the death of her husband, my brain clicked to rapid realization. I wish there was some confusion and it was really a mistake. Depression is rampant in my family as is alcohol abuse. Coupled they are lethal. Having barely survived an attempt on my own life I have just realized this is when she started hating me. The pain of the one that wants to die is far reaching and so many are affected. How have I survived the death of my sister when there was so much unfinished between us? I blog. I research. I try to involve myself in support groups but I am not there yet. I have to deal with this pain doing what I am doing now. And I cry. I cry for what is lost and I cry for what could have been. Always maudlin and dealing with her birthday yesterday makes me very vulnerable right now. I don't share the pain enough, I suppose and I thought I was doing well. Today, not so much. I am grieveing and it is a process. Next will be activism.

You are missed, dear sister.



***** This is a post to be submstted for publication. Anything found in error, please let me know




Facts About Suicide and Depression
Figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for the year 2010.

General

Over 38,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.
In 2010 (latest available data), there were 38,364 reported suicide deaths.
Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the United States.
Currently, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
A person dies by suicide about every 13.7 minutes in the United States.
Every day, approximately 105 Americans take their own life.
Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but three times as many females as males attempt suicide.
There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides for every suicide death.

Always bad news?

I have spent as little time as possible these last two weeks focusing on what needs to be done, getting a schedule in place for L and the rest of the kids since their report cards were so bad. I have tutoring scholarships to fill out, school enrollment paperwork, social securty, court papers (divorce is rediculously long to accomplish and FL does not offer legal separation.) and every other thing that comes home with 7 kids from whatever they are working on. Child rearing is lots of work. I had proposed to D that we could co parent but not be together but the only way he is going to get over me is if he is away from me. He should be able to leave as soon as the judge signs off. It has been a month since he put in his request. It will make it easier on me so I am not trying to hide phone calls to lawyers and the loads of paperwork I have been filing. Oh and leagal aid dropped me so I am having to go pro se -- this means more trips to Bartow. And I am not holding my breath on my license. I figure it is going to take at least 4 months before they review and decide. This IS FL. And another thing--Terminix is wanting to tent my house for 4 grand. Sure, I'll just take it out of the bank. PLEASE, it was all I could do to budget the regular service and now they want to charge me $400 a mo. I am going to put cock roach eradication on my list and buy the chemicals myself. So the list grows and grows. I'd better stop since I already have a paper list and was hoping to take at least a half a day off.

Through all this, thoughts of H woke me. It is 4 in th emorning and I am looking at her highschool senior picture. It makes me so sad. I am so glad she is out of pain but the pain she has left behind is unconsionable. I am trying not to dwell and I am using all my own advice. I blogged enough about suicide recovery to know that I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I can only make the rest of my life as pleasant as possible and that is removing those things that make me unhappy. C has told me so many times to be strong and it comes and goes. R reminded me that I have a set back but I am strong enough to overcome it after I have been gentle with myself for the need to mourn or be depressed. My episodes are getting fewer--at least I hope that is what I am seeing. I think the suicide msg boards and the necessity to learn about my son's diability has kept me focused. Not to mention, I have to sit at the computer rather than use my notebook in my bed. I need to stay out of bed unless it is with someone I am spending time with.....on that front. I really cannot return any mesages I have gotten becasue D still believes he owns me. SERVE him already! Since words mean nothing. Sadly, I do feel badly for him since he had such a shitty life HOWEVER I allowed him to nearly destroy me. The empty shell is being filled again and it has nothing to do with him. How does "I just want to be friends" sound? How about I just want to be exes and have you pay me child support if you can keep a job. Oh yeah, he lost another one. No energy to laugh even though I called it. Six weeks, he claims but I am sure it was less. Life is flying by.




"It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered and may never stop missing their loved ones, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives."

http://www.allianceofhope.org/alliance-of-hope-for-suic/

I will be placing her on this memorial wall too. I need to come up with 250 words for a "message" and Alphaville Forever Young is the song I will forever connect with her. Now for that tattoo. I have to reschedule and make the time. Since I did not get the one year anniversary of her death to complete it, I am trying for her birthday.

It is time to truly make my life meaningful. No more just getting by. Right now I am working at a better relationship with my kids. My love life (or lack thereof) can come latter, if at all. G pointed out that I do not trust so I need to work on that too. I keep people at arms length and now that I don't have my mom to talk to I have been calling Amy and Aunt Phyllis. In my despair, I believed I had noone but in reality, I am the one pushing people away and it has got to stop. Otherwise I am going to end up the crazy cat lady.



Another board I need to log into.
http://www.suicideforum.com/

Anxiety and depression

Maybe there is no such thing. I wish anyway. It is one of those weeks where I can feel the waves of anxiety wash over me. I loathe this feeling because I feel so impotent. Medication cannot help me--or it isn't helping anymore. I don't know that there has ever been a greater need for me to connect with people and I don't know if there has ever been a time I have felt more alone. I am avoiding the phone and FB. All I want to do is hide.


What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following symptoms for at least a two-week period:

Persistent sadness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
Insomnia or oversleeping
Weight gain or loss
Fatigue, lack of energy
Anxiety, agitation, irritability
Thoughts of suicide or death
Slow speech; slow movements

Of these I suffer every symptom. I woke this morning with the weight of the world on my chest. Dreams were disconcerting and anxiety filled. Even more difficult to deal with is the pain throughout my entire body. It hurts to move and it is all in my head--literally. I cannot wait to get back to the Cape. Too many bad memories everywhere. At least I will have a bit of a support network. Oh to just hang out with all my highschool friends! No husband...wow I cannot believe how my life has turned out. I ask repeatedly what I have done, or more what can I do to change from here on out. I have been accused of being selfish. Maybe I have been. It is certainly sefish of me to enjoy pg so much that I had more children than I can afford. I have been selfish in wanting more time to myself. I was selfish thinking to throw away everything that is simply my responsiblility to run off with J. I am so grateful that I had a small window of bliss once I let down my defenses and just loved freely. I remember the moment I did so and how afraid I was of feeling fully. Love freely for it may be your last chance. I have vowed to love my children with all my heart. They are to come first--they need to come first. They need to come first.

Unfortunately for me, I have had a set back. I had hoped to see some change in my thinking pattern. With the mess Gigi has handed me, I am faced with being under the microscope again. I already have therapists coming to my home for everyone and I am trying to maintain the busy schedule that comes with taking care of kids. This had been a lesson in futility for I am overwhelmed. I just want sleep and more sleep. I am rested but feel like I have been up for days, Today I can just claim that it being an overcaste day makes it okay to stay in bed, R should be here just before lunch and I don't feel like talking. I want to isolate. I need a postive for the day: I am a good cook and my kids like what I make them. How trite but I have to take baby steps again and feed on pablum. There is no rush to anything since I don't have anyone waiting for me--loving me from afar LOL!!! Just get me through today. That is all I ask.