Anxiety and depression

Maybe there is no such thing. I wish anyway. It is one of those weeks where I can feel the waves of anxiety wash over me. I loathe this feeling because I feel so impotent. Medication cannot help me--or it isn't helping anymore. I don't know that there has ever been a greater need for me to connect with people and I don't know if there has ever been a time I have felt more alone. I am avoiding the phone and FB. All I want to do is hide.


What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following symptoms for at least a two-week period:

Persistent sadness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
Insomnia or oversleeping
Weight gain or loss
Fatigue, lack of energy
Anxiety, agitation, irritability
Thoughts of suicide or death
Slow speech; slow movements

Of these I suffer every symptom. I woke this morning with the weight of the world on my chest. Dreams were disconcerting and anxiety filled. Even more difficult to deal with is the pain throughout my entire body. It hurts to move and it is all in my head--literally. I cannot wait to get back to the Cape. Too many bad memories everywhere. At least I will have a bit of a support network. Oh to just hang out with all my highschool friends! No husband...wow I cannot believe how my life has turned out. I ask repeatedly what I have done, or more what can I do to change from here on out. I have been accused of being selfish. Maybe I have been. It is certainly sefish of me to enjoy pg so much that I had more children than I can afford. I have been selfish in wanting more time to myself. I was selfish thinking to throw away everything that is simply my responsiblility to run off with J. I am so grateful that I had a small window of bliss once I let down my defenses and just loved freely. I remember the moment I did so and how afraid I was of feeling fully. Love freely for it may be your last chance. I have vowed to love my children with all my heart. They are to come first--they need to come first. They need to come first.

Unfortunately for me, I have had a set back. I had hoped to see some change in my thinking pattern. With the mess Gigi has handed me, I am faced with being under the microscope again. I already have therapists coming to my home for everyone and I am trying to maintain the busy schedule that comes with taking care of kids. This had been a lesson in futility for I am overwhelmed. I just want sleep and more sleep. I am rested but feel like I have been up for days, Today I can just claim that it being an overcaste day makes it okay to stay in bed, R should be here just before lunch and I don't feel like talking. I want to isolate. I need a postive for the day: I am a good cook and my kids like what I make them. How trite but I have to take baby steps again and feed on pablum. There is no rush to anything since I don't have anyone waiting for me--loving me from afar LOL!!! Just get me through today. That is all I ask.

More and more grief

I am going to start this post with an "1" and then a "feel" because I feel. I feel deeply --with so much going on around me, I ended up in bed asleep at 3 in the afternoon until this morning. Life is stressful but I feel (again) like I am handling so much. Today is A's pool party and I woke to find the funds for it not available. That and my car missing again, taken by my juvenile deliquent. Yes, she has been ajudicated and I feel like a total failure. This is not suppose to happen to me. I may have been different as a teen but I did not break the "LAW". I want to protect my kids and I have failed them. I am so emotionally scarred that I want to run away and just focus on my needs but God saw fit to place all these lives under my tutelage. WHY?? And back to "why did H have to die?" Why not me? This is survivors guilt according to what I have read but it does not alleviate my "SEA CHANGE". I am not who I was last year at this time. Not even close. I mourn the loss of the old Heidi and face the new with trepidation as I face this day of actually entertaining. The family I wished would come will not and they have to figure out if they are a family. Until that time, I am causing a nuisance.

While I contemplate, I have been observing the bottom of the pool and all the "stuff" my kids have thrown in. I have found some solace in the emptiness--it is an analogy of what is going on inside of me.





Please help me get through this day and I am sure the update will be filled with labour and laughter. They are my wonderful chidlren who have never really had a party. My reasoning was that once I threw a party I would have to be super vigilant and keep throwing parties, trying to outdo myself every time. Who could forget 365 helium balloons being sent off for the 365 days of Mickeys life? The pain of filling and tying all those balloons? and adding ribbon? The whole ceiling was covered. Do you remember, Hol? Holly held the video camera......I love you and I miss you!!!!! I look at my sharpies sketch and I just well up. Other than a parent to a child there is no greater love than that of a sister to a sister. To both of my beutiful siblings....H2 I cannot talk to you right now. I hurt so much and you don't want to face your loss but know I will always be with you in spirit.