Maybe there is no such thing. I wish anyway. It is one of those weeks where I can feel the waves of anxiety wash over me. I loathe this feeling because I feel so impotent. Medication cannot help me--or it isn't helping anymore. I don't know that there has ever been a greater need for me to connect with people and I don't know if there has ever been a time I have felt more alone. I am avoiding the phone and FB. All I want to do is hide.
What Are the Symptoms of Depression?
For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following symptoms for at least a two-week period:
Persistent sadness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
Insomnia or oversleeping
Weight gain or loss
Fatigue, lack of energy
Anxiety, agitation, irritability
Thoughts of suicide or death
Slow speech; slow movements
Of these I suffer every symptom. I woke this morning with the weight of the world on my chest. Dreams were disconcerting and anxiety filled. Even more difficult to deal with is the pain throughout my entire body. It hurts to move and it is all in my head--literally. I cannot wait to get back to the Cape. Too many bad memories everywhere. At least I will have a bit of a support network. Oh to just hang out with all my highschool friends! No husband...wow I cannot believe how my life has turned out. I ask repeatedly what I have done, or more what can I do to change from here on out. I have been accused of being selfish. Maybe I have been. It is certainly sefish of me to enjoy pg so much that I had more children than I can afford. I have been selfish in wanting more time to myself. I was selfish thinking to throw away everything that is simply my responsiblility to run off with J. I am so grateful that I had a small window of bliss once I let down my defenses and just loved freely. I remember the moment I did so and how afraid I was of feeling fully. Love freely for it may be your last chance. I have vowed to love my children with all my heart. They are to come first--they need to come first. They need to come first.
Unfortunately for me, I have had a set back. I had hoped to see some change in my thinking pattern. With the mess Gigi has handed me, I am faced with being under the microscope again. I already have therapists coming to my home for everyone and I am trying to maintain the busy schedule that comes with taking care of kids. This had been a lesson in futility for I am overwhelmed. I just want sleep and more sleep. I am rested but feel like I have been up for days, Today I can just claim that it being an overcaste day makes it okay to stay in bed, R should be here just before lunch and I don't feel like talking. I want to isolate. I need a postive for the day: I am a good cook and my kids like what I make them. How trite but I have to take baby steps again and feed on pablum. There is no rush to anything since I don't have anyone waiting for me--loving me from afar LOL!!! Just get me through today. That is all I ask.
Primarily started as a homeshcool blog, I switch to grief support due to a family suicide and then back to the latest recipe. There is so much more to all of this for life is changing moment by moment--the kids grow, we age and we live. This is my life to the best of my ability.
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Today, I start to heal?
I made sure I pushed J as far away as I could. I wrote horrible things to him, writing as mean as I possibly could and rather than feeling a sense of relief he won't be able to hurt me again, I am sorry I hurt him. I am not sure what I did to receive a text that should have been sent to his ex, but it seems like I have been who he takes his anger out on. Oh Lord, I fell in love and it hurts so badly. I never want to love again. I survived so long not loving that I had forgotten how much it hurts when it ends. This is why D was always so safe--I didn't and don't love him so he can hurt me but my heart is protected. I just realized that this self protection even includes my kids. They can tell me they hate me and it doesn't hurt. S said J is damaged but I think I am just as damaged. I do hope she calls him but I really only want the best for him and maybe if his family becomes involved he won't feel so indebted to Jen.
This may be my last post on this blog. I am emotionally stunted and don't feel this has help me grow at all. I processed one of the deepests pains one could imagine and the kids have passed homeschool into the failing public school system. Because I am only a shell or shadow of the woman I once was, I don't have the strength to homeshcool them. I don't want to get out of bed. I have nothing to prove to anyone and noone really cares anyway.
I dabbled in a few things and have concluded I am truly not interested. Peversion is not really in me. I had fun while it lasted, being a pretend femme fatale. Now I am back to being frumpy Heidi that noone will give a second look. This is fine. I have done the research and found that the payback for the amount of work required to sart a site does not pay off so to speak. And LORD knows I don't want to make a career out of flogging people--just ick. To all those true Mistresses, my hat is off to you because it is a lot of work. Just the research involved is daunting and I did a lot of reading.
As for dating--laugh out loud. Legal Aid is doing my intake on October first and I am not even fit to be friends with animals, never mind someone's girlfriend. Whatever that Zoosk thing is on fb that I joined way back in 2009 had not been used. Yes, I have gotten messages but I never reponded to anyone. My heart wasn't into meeting anyone in 2009 because I thought so little of myself and not much has changed. further, I thought I had met the man that made me happy. As usually, I was wrong. I feel so used, and that I allowed it makes me feel even worse about myself. If that were possible. . .So the focus needs to be on me and if I have to force myself through the days,then so be it. Thankfully D is starting a truck driving job where I will not see him. His goal it to get back home. I don't know how I am going to get out of here but even Sam thinks I need to leave FL and she has only been an internet friend. One day, when I am not looking, somone will ask me what I am reading and he will have read it too. I will share that my favorite story is Cinderella and, like her, I am awaiting my prince. Coffee will be sipped, laughter will ring and I will realize my edges are no longer fuzzy and I feel solid again. Someday.
This may be my last post on this blog. I am emotionally stunted and don't feel this has help me grow at all. I processed one of the deepests pains one could imagine and the kids have passed homeschool into the failing public school system. Because I am only a shell or shadow of the woman I once was, I don't have the strength to homeshcool them. I don't want to get out of bed. I have nothing to prove to anyone and noone really cares anyway.
I dabbled in a few things and have concluded I am truly not interested. Peversion is not really in me. I had fun while it lasted, being a pretend femme fatale. Now I am back to being frumpy Heidi that noone will give a second look. This is fine. I have done the research and found that the payback for the amount of work required to sart a site does not pay off so to speak. And LORD knows I don't want to make a career out of flogging people--just ick. To all those true Mistresses, my hat is off to you because it is a lot of work. Just the research involved is daunting and I did a lot of reading.
As for dating--laugh out loud. Legal Aid is doing my intake on October first and I am not even fit to be friends with animals, never mind someone's girlfriend. Whatever that Zoosk thing is on fb that I joined way back in 2009 had not been used. Yes, I have gotten messages but I never reponded to anyone. My heart wasn't into meeting anyone in 2009 because I thought so little of myself and not much has changed. further, I thought I had met the man that made me happy. As usually, I was wrong. I feel so used, and that I allowed it makes me feel even worse about myself. If that were possible. . .So the focus needs to be on me and if I have to force myself through the days,then so be it. Thankfully D is starting a truck driving job where I will not see him. His goal it to get back home. I don't know how I am going to get out of here but even Sam thinks I need to leave FL and she has only been an internet friend. One day, when I am not looking, somone will ask me what I am reading and he will have read it too. I will share that my favorite story is Cinderella and, like her, I am awaiting my prince. Coffee will be sipped, laughter will ring and I will realize my edges are no longer fuzzy and I feel solid again. Someday.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
In support of grief --one year down
I read this and found it eloquently spoke of the true nature of grief.
To everyone else, the death of that being you loved for his own sake, or her own sake, is an event that occurs on a certain day. For you the death only begins that day. It is not an event: it is only the first moment in a process that lives in you, springing up into the present, engulfing you years, decades, later as though it were the first moment again
I am going to continue to work through my loss but it will always be there. I can only help that it has made me more compassionate and to value people: especially the little ones whose lives I am the role model for.
I guess it is trying for normality that allows one to move forward. A tiny clip of time here or there when great pain receded for a bit. It is found in a child's laughter, a purring kitten, the fresh smell of line hung sheets, a wood stove that needs to be stoked it is in h these simple motions, I can find acceptance. I don't cry nearly as much, I blame noting on her that is going on my relationships-- I cannot be all things to all people but I can give it my best attempt. I have rethought everything though and that is painful. I cry. I cry, I CRY. . I research everything and understand the process at work. I repeatedly experience the first moment: "Heidi. Holly's GONE" but not nearly as often. Her headstone:
Daddy goes to the cemetary each Sunday after church, with his coffee, I wonder what they talk about. Could things have been different? I wonder..... He will never tell and I will never ask. This grief is an invisible cloak we wear at times. Some times I take it off but most of often it is resting on my shoulders rather than covering my whole being. The hood is off.
This is the start of healing, always remembering it will always be the first moment.
To Holly:
This is probably the last picture of you while you had breath. I wish I could see more into your eyes. The smile did not reach there:
,
Here is where I am supposed to relate when I want to figure out truly why. Was it really mental illness, undiagnosed, biological exacerbated by alcohol? More than 80 percent of suicides are due to misdiagnosed mental illness. Then I look at my genetic progeny and wonder if it will be any of them that I lose to this disease.
But here we are at the last step.
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
I LOVE YOU HOLLY. I WILL NEVER HAVE YOU FAR FROM ME.
To everyone else, the death of that being you loved for his own sake, or her own sake, is an event that occurs on a certain day. For you the death only begins that day. It is not an event: it is only the first moment in a process that lives in you, springing up into the present, engulfing you years, decades, later as though it were the first moment again
I am going to continue to work through my loss but it will always be there. I can only help that it has made me more compassionate and to value people: especially the little ones whose lives I am the role model for.
I guess it is trying for normality that allows one to move forward. A tiny clip of time here or there when great pain receded for a bit. It is found in a child's laughter, a purring kitten, the fresh smell of line hung sheets, a wood stove that needs to be stoked it is in h these simple motions, I can find acceptance. I don't cry nearly as much, I blame noting on her that is going on my relationships-- I cannot be all things to all people but I can give it my best attempt. I have rethought everything though and that is painful. I cry. I cry, I CRY. . I research everything and understand the process at work. I repeatedly experience the first moment: "Heidi. Holly's GONE" but not nearly as often. Her headstone:
Daddy goes to the cemetary each Sunday after church, with his coffee, I wonder what they talk about. Could things have been different? I wonder..... He will never tell and I will never ask. This grief is an invisible cloak we wear at times. Some times I take it off but most of often it is resting on my shoulders rather than covering my whole being. The hood is off.
This is the start of healing, always remembering it will always be the first moment.
To Holly:
This is probably the last picture of you while you had breath. I wish I could see more into your eyes. The smile did not reach there:
,Here is where I am supposed to relate when I want to figure out truly why. Was it really mental illness, undiagnosed, biological exacerbated by alcohol? More than 80 percent of suicides are due to misdiagnosed mental illness. Then I look at my genetic progeny and wonder if it will be any of them that I lose to this disease.
But here we are at the last step.
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
I LOVE YOU HOLLY. I WILL NEVER HAVE YOU FAR FROM ME.
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