WHAT am I thinking?

I am one very confused human being.  I will have one aspect of my life working and another falling apart--and not just crumbling but disinergrating.  I think I want to do what is for the better good but I always end up screwing myself.  No, I am not always first.  10 people have beat me out.  And not of those ten are going on any vacation this summer.  I finally realized that I was expected to buy 4 tickets and get my girls up North so they can have a break.  WHAT!!???  I may still have my ticket from when I missed H3's memorial so that cost is negated.  I's car will be on the Cape so no need to rent.  H2 and I can share.  The best part of all this is she said she likes to spend her time alone.  The answer "That is what I intended.  I need to be alone with all of this for I have allowed it to fester even if I have post after post of healing."  It is time to mourn and mourn hard.  Just make it until July and fall apart as far away from family I as I can be.

And I am filing for cusody of  the girls while I am married otherwise dad with think I am not thinking straight.  As far as everyone is concerned, life here is great.  For years I have hidden and I can hide again until I am finished with the "list".  Just act pleasant and fake.  I can fake it.  I have managed for three years wanting to be with someone else and never being able to have him.  A few more months of this then another year of getting over him and I will be okay.

Denise showed up on Friday and decided she was moving in with me because she is getting divorced.  She slept on and ruined my couch then was informed that I cannot have people living with me any more. I grew up with it and I don't want it.  It is unhealthy.  She has taken her luggage home.  I am to kind and no matter how nasty I can be when hurt, I will always be too kind.  Thank you D for telling her to leave because I need a backbone.  FL people just take advantage.  ALL of them that I have tried to help when I cannot even help myself.  Therapy is done.  Now I am doing my therapist's Bankruptcy petition.  WTF! I have been more help to her than she has been to me.  I continue to need assertiveness training.  A support group for Aspergers would be nice that isn't 30 miles away.  D is not support and I think he sucks as a parent.  Yes, he takes them places but he knows nothing, has learned nothing and does not listen.  It has all been my way?  REALLY?  It was my way when I was being systimatically destroyed?  I hate facing that there can be no true reconciliation.  Too much damage.  I wanted a normal family life and I got this.  Somew I allowed, some snuck in but the result is just an uncomfortable existence and Iwant better.  Sorry D, I did it to you again.  Trying ot follow the advice of those who supposedly know better.  Can't do it.

Matches my mood as usual.

New French Bread recipe

UPDATE:  This recipe may be good if one follows the directions exactly.  Something was lost from A's lack of thorough reading and the end result

http://breadbaking.about.com/od/yeastbreads/r/itallybrd.htm

Italian bread is the greatest, all-versatile bread you can make. It can be served at lunch or dinner. You can make delicious hoagies with it or turn it into pizza bread. At breakfast, Italian bread is perfect for scooping up the egg yellow on your plate and, when sliced thin, it can be used to make delicious little French toasts.

Yield: 2 loaves

Prep Time: 1 hour

Cook Time: 25 minutes

Total Time: 1 hour, 25 minutes

Ingredients:

• 1 Tbsp sugar
• 2 tsp salt
• 1 Tbsp or 2 pkg. (1/2 oz.) active dry yeast
• 1-3/4 cups warm water, 95 to 110 degrees F
• 1 Tbsp soft butter or margarine
• 5 cups bread or high gluten flour, about
• 1 egg white
• 1 Tbsp cold water

Preparation:

1. In large bowl, stir together sugar, salt, yeast, and water. Stir in soft butter. Mix in enough flour to make a soft dough that can be kneaded by hand. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 8 minutes, adding more flour if necessary, until the dough is soft and not sticky. Place dough in greased medium bowl and flip dough over so that the top is also lightly greased. Cover with a clean kitchentowel and let set for 30 minutes in a warm, draft-free place.
2. Grease large baking sheet. Sprinkle baking sheet with coarse cornmeal, if desired. Remove dough from bowl onto lightly floured table and divide into 2 equal parts. Roll each dough half into a 15 X 9-inch rectangle. Tightly roll dough along the 15-inch side. Pinch seams and taper the ends of each loaf. Place loaves on baking sheet. Cover and let rise in warm, draft-free place for only 20 minutes.
3. Preheat oven 425 degrees F. Make 3 deep diagonal slashes on each loaf. Bake bread for 20 minutes. Lightly beat egg white and cold water in small bowl. Remove loaves from oven, brush with watered egg, and return to oven for another 5 minutes. Serve bread warm or cold.

Suicide does not stop the pain....(borrowed)

Thank you to my online support of the Friends of suicide yahoo group
by Kevin Caruso
If you are suicidal, you are in pain. In agonizing pain. And probably have untreated depression.

####This was in my inbox. Very simple but true. Ochman's hammer, if you will.

If you are suicidal, you are probably in agonizing pain. But the important question is, how do you stop the pain?

Let me start with what you should not do. You should not magnify the
pain. That may seem obvious, but let me explain further. You see, if
you die by suicide,
the pain that you were feeling gets transferred to your loved ones and
is strongly intensified. So the pain is not eliminated, it gets worse.
Much worse. Unbearably worse.

So do not magnify the pain with dying by suicide.

And if you die by suicide, you will not feel relief from the pain,
because relief is only felt by the living. So you must make a commitment to stay
alive--no matter what--and work on diminishing the pain that you are
feeling.
If you are suicidal, you probably are suffering from depression, and
depression is highly treatable. So if you have not seen a medical
doctor or a therapist, you need to do so
immediately.

Depression causes a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that imbalance
needs to be rectified. Sometimes medicine needs to be administered,
just like medicine would be administered for any other illness. So
receiving a prescription or taking medication should not be a worry. It is not a big deal. But suicide is a very, very big deal.
Again, dying by suicide does not get rid of pain, it makes it much
worse. And you do not feel relief, because you need to be alive to feel that relief.

So stay alive. And never, under any circumstance, end your life.


http://www.suicide.org/suicide-does-not-stop-the-pain.html

Oh to update and to not really want to

So much has happened since I have thought to post--so much changing in my life. As usual, I balk at change. Yet, I foresee a much happier future with change.

I spoke to H yesterday and she prefaced a comment with do not flip out and scream at me. I was able to answer I don't do that much and the conversation remained pleasant and I remained humble. This is new for me for life has shown me so much in such a short amount of time. I am still not doing enough. There is so much information and I should be processing an sharing. I should be more active in something other than ...what I am saying is I am not doing anything for my soul yet and that needs to happen. I am trying to run lives that no longer need to be run and to figure the rest out for the system is failing me--public school. I want to move on and not be a teacher. I want a job that has nothing to do with kids so I am not burned out.

Okay, I will be ready after school vaca for my cliff notes business course. And Today I take T for ice cream. Just him and me. Help me get through to him.

Is broke my camera. I don't see her replacing it so no photos here until I locate the memory card for bowling pictures--the maybe 4 I got.....

Holly's story

My baby sister was born February 14, 1975 to a middle class Cape Cod family. We didn't grow up with an abundance but we had the beach and life was safe. She loved and looked up to me and I can remmeber trying to get her to leave me and my friends alone during the summer months. I wish now that I had not been so selfish. I think this is why it bothers me terribly now when my kids are not getting along. She was the baby of the family and was considered the baby for years. I remember the day I yelled at mum asking when she would no longer be the baby anymore. I just did not understand motherhood or the feelings associated with the last child. I do now. When I think about it, she was my baby too. I would often get up and change her in the morning, playing until mum woke. Yes, she was the baby.

Like all babies, she grew and grew. The funniest memory I have was when Heather and I tried to tackle her and she has us both pinned. We were both laughing so hard we could not fight back. This was when we reached our teens and although I am 6 years older, we all became great friends. God, I miss that time. I moved out and had two babies. Holly was always there, babysitting, and being a companion to me--she was my best friend. But I went away to school and she went away for drinking--when she came home, she hated me. I am sure there is much more to it but we were never close again. Marriages followed and then her divorce from the love of her life. He was relentless in torturing her, taking her into court at least 11 times to take her kids from her. The day before he was to succeed, she hung herself. Sadly, not even a year had passed since she found her new husband hanging in the garage three weeks after they married. I now know one person every 13 minutes dies from suicide and there are 8-25 attempts per death. Staggering.

I found out she was gone by those very words uttered by my husband. "Heidi, Holly is gone." Since she had four previous attemtps since the death of her husband, my brain clicked to rapid realization. I wish there was some confusion and it was really a mistake. Depression is rampant in my family as is alcohol abuse. Coupled they are lethal. Having barely survived an attempt on my own life I have just realized this is when she started hating me. The pain of the one that wants to die is far reaching and so many are affected. How have I survived the death of my sister when there was so much unfinished between us? I blog. I research. I try to involve myself in support groups but I am not there yet. I have to deal with this pain doing what I am doing now. And I cry. I cry for what is lost and I cry for what could have been. Always maudlin and dealing with her birthday yesterday makes me very vulnerable right now. I don't share the pain enough, I suppose and I thought I was doing well. Today, not so much. I am grieveing and it is a process. Next will be activism.

You are missed, dear sister.



***** This is a post to be submstted for publication. Anything found in error, please let me know




Facts About Suicide and Depression
Figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for the year 2010.

General

Over 38,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.
In 2010 (latest available data), there were 38,364 reported suicide deaths.
Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the United States.
Currently, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
A person dies by suicide about every 13.7 minutes in the United States.
Every day, approximately 105 Americans take their own life.
Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but three times as many females as males attempt suicide.
There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides for every suicide death.

Anniversary, birthdays and death

Tomorrow is the 14th and she should be celebrating, not ashes in a box. The pain has not lessened and the tears have not stopped. I hurt and can't escape. H2 may talk to everyone about her suicide but I close off. I want to close down because this life is not what I expected. My life has been a waste.

Fast forward--Yesterday was the 14th and I was going to get a tattoo and visit Spill. H2 could not fit me in and my house has the plague. The probelm with so many sick is that there is no getting ahead of the germs. How did I cope? I slept the day away with Amelia beside me. The bug has been debilitating--and messy.

Mum, dad G and the kids have arrived on the Cape. This, too is going to be ugly. M finally stepped up but this, too, is going to be a catastrophe. I cannot find anything good in anything right now and was just told that I think the world owes me a living. I want it to take my "living" away so somone has it wrong. Kick me when I am down. All the men in my life do.

So I am done, done with caring, done with trying and done with feeling the pain I feel regularly. What I am going to do about it, I have no idea but I had better come up with something. I am already dead inside. I loath depression.

Catching my breath..... and looking back

Left: The Franklins: M (doing what he loved) and G(8th grade Jr prom)
Right: The Dowlings: G (Montessori) and I (preschool photo day)

Yes, after today I want to look back for a moment and allow that warm, fuzzy feeling of how wonderful my kids are to wash all over me. (Positive affirmations for parents of teens...)


Well, this was started hours and hours ago. I have had a catastriphic failure in google chrome on one computer and then (becasue I don't have enough to do) after removing the memory cards and replacing them in the other computer, it is now making a sick sound (like the red ring of death for the x box but it is yellow. Fortunately towers are cheap. I have been fixing these for several years and only my caonfidence that it can't be that hard has keptthem going. To think I laughed at those who took computer science in College. My egocentrism even boggles me. How far we fall. Anyway. Digression after running to Walmart to get diapers for my darling grandbabies. They have diarrheal--Walmart does not carry medication for this ailment for babies. And their behinds are raging.

So where is the breath catching?????? I have been doing laundry becasue well, we have throw up too. I have showered mroe than once and have had my hands and feet in substances I would rether not think about in too much detail. All the while, my cry was"I am done with this!" Then Ben pooped his pants. (the same pair I just stepped on in the laundry room--vivid, huh?)

So rather than crawl into bed at almost 6 am I am relisting ebay items in my store. This has been a lesson in economics.

It is hours later. First I spilt milk with no tears. Next, I am testing out new bears since Cottonball needs to be retired. And the beautiful Ben --hoping my picts came out.

Sunday in bed......

I have been a support group "groupie" with my sister's suicide and L's diagnosis. But, I don't feel it is helping. I really prefer to work things out on my own which is why I push so many away. I start to type the issue and I lose interest half way through. I feel like it has all been covered before. Maybe not by me but by SOMEONE. I have to take large breaks when dealing with all the information on both subjects. I wonder what I am going to be hit with next? I am realizing that it is near impossible for me to live on the limited money that comes into the house.

I am trying to work on my ebay store today and find I am simply not interested. Needing to actually WORK--UGH. Yet, I am considering more training so I can get a job. No more babies puts me in position to work. Plus I will have the ability to drive and have no excuse.....

Okay so I am looking for an excuse not to have to deal with people and I come up with the fact that E's school is getting rid of 5th grade and she will have to go to middle school. She is so tiny and asks me repeatedly to be homeschooled. I have researched and know my kids so I am at odds. They loath homework and two are in Saturday school. I cannot add any more to my schedule if I want time to shower. I cannot remember the last time I left the house to do something that has nothing to do with kids. It is either school issues or doctor's appointments. I wish I had realized how hard it is to raise children when I was having them.

Mum and dad are in FL right now and will be here until they file their taxes. This will be the last year I will be filing a tax return without my name on it. I will have to let the government take my check for my student loans that are in default. It is sad that I have to even worry about it--if I were not "disabled" there would not be an issue. Anyway, I do have the degree so I might as well pay for it.

what will we do for love?

I wonder. Love of what? Sex? Money? Children? Spouse? or some other love that takes over te senses.
Well what is love? I need to know before it is too late.

LOVE
noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?


I have definitely felt love. And I have felt Jelousy. I'd rather love but sometimes it isn't so easy which brings to mind anger.


In Greek mythology, Lyssa (Greek: Λύσσα; called Lytta (Λύττα) by the Athenians) was the spirit of mad rage, frenzy and rabies in animals. She was closely related to the Maniae, the goddesses of madness and insanity. Her Roman equivalent was variously named Ira, Furor, or Rabies. Sometimes she was multiplied into a host of Irae and Furores.

Seems about right. I seem inflicted with the spirit of Lyssa. I wonder if there is a medication for that.

Myles visited yesterday. Plans were hatched and Gi is on her way home. It is dependent on which car she wants to drive North as to when she goes. Either way, Myles leaves tomorrow. He has enjoed his stay with my sister as well as enjoying H's wine bar. Too bad Patriots lost :(.

Today is Dr Harrison so the boys ar with D in Orlando. I will not predend I am not going to miss him taking everyone everywhere. Lord knows I have the worste sense of direction and am far better off not being behind the wheel. My key chains is ready for car keys, though. I will probably drive the car my parents gave the girls since neither one has a license. On my list: insurance.

so back to love. I am sure I blocked a big part of my heart off. Maybe that is why I feel like a hand is squeezing my chest. Once intermittent, now a constant tightening.
but what will we do for love?

Make a complete fool of ourselves drunk and otherwise. It is sadder sober becasue it means that you've reached bottom. That is about it.

On a more positive note: 18 trains was not too many trains for Christmas and the #300.00 I earned selling on ebay so I broke even. Now to add the crane and roundhouse.... Ben's Birthday is coming soon!

How dreams hurt

I woke this morning. It was a wedding I was attending--a wedding planned by Heather. I was unhappy with the dress and decided to not be in the wedding. I then went to look for H3. I looked everywhere, I could not find her. I cried out for heaven to help me and there was silence. The lump in the back of my throat released and I woke completely sobbing. There is no escape from the pain of the loss. I can beg "please give me one more chance to tell her how very much she is loved." Please give me one more chance to sing at the top of our lungs to Billy Joel. Please give me one more chance to tell her how proud I am of her and how very much I love her. Please. I am shattered and I am not sure I will ever heal. It has been said I will not recover from this even though I tried to put it all in perspective. There is no fucking perspective. There is no catagory for this type of pain. There is no understanding. Give me relief or give me a way out. I do not laugh anymore. It is hard to smile. I hurt everywhere and I hurt constantly. One would think I would focus on my kids but I cannot seem to get beyond the feeling of desolation. There isn't enough help in this world to make it better. It will never be better. SHE IS GONE HEIDI--every relationship from the moment she died on will be tainted with the loss of my baby sister. Truly she hated herself--which seems to be a typical Davis trait. I will trade places with you Holly, and maybe we can leave together. This life seems too hard and I am just as miserable as you had been. I did not suffer the same way but I suffer silently. The next loss will not be mine, it will be me.

Just tired

How does it feel to treat me like you do? When you put your hand upon me and told me who you are?



Christmas has gone and I threw the tree out today. I am struggling to get my house in order for my parents. There is never enough I can do for the kids conspire to conspire. Their whisperings include how to spread dirt, create extra laundry and eat incenssantly. No consideration is put in to picking up after oneself but that is to change this year. All this therapy has actually been a crash course in child management. No hitting is understood. I find I am far more effective when I smother with love even when I want to beat them. Not exactly smothering but handling with love rather than anger makes a world of difference. I don't want my kids to grow up as angry as I did--an anger I still have not quiet figured out.





I took Gi out for her birthday. We haven't gone out since she was 16 so it was a nice remeberance. We were out early enough that we were home before the roads were angerous--a reason I never go out on New Years.... I have the babies for the night and I might add that the toddlers are terrors.




My life has been very busy. I am absorbing all I can for Lachy and have learned massive amounts of information. Research of Aspergers is cutting edge but there is still tons that needs to be done. Right now L is in Orlando geting a 12 hr EEG. Neurobiological and an Autism spectrum disorder, I am curious as to the interpretation of his results. That is not womthing I have researched but it is my understanding that the cause will not show up on an EEG.

Repairing relationships

Myles called me. His first wife died suddenly and he called to let Gi know. She was here so she got to talk to her dad. Why is it that a catastrophe has to hit before people realize that we really only have but a moment on this earth and then it is done. I am reminded of the three fates. Who is to know when our string will be cut? I am going to do my best to let those I love know that I love them with all I have. Linda went to see the dr and she was gone in a week. If that was all I was given what would I do? I can't change what I have already done so even though I can honestly say I am being a better mother, I wonder. Amazing what giving up the booze can do for you. From thi day on, every opportunity I have to be kind, I am going to take it. Even if the receiving party may not seem like they deserve it. It is not for me to judge. I am sure that if Myles and Linda could have had children they would have remained together. He probably would have moved to CA and stayed with Intel.

So many losses. It seems to be all that life is about. It is just unfortuante that we realize how much better a friend,a sister,a daughter one could be if they just kept in mind that life is fleeting. Maybe we would not act so rashly and think before we hurt somone just because we are hurt. Better yet, strive for peace and kindness. Even if one is capable of cutting put downs it does not prove you are superior.

I just had the opportunity to be purposely hurt. I think I am done now. I have already gotten rid of FB and now I am finding too much I am not seemingly able to shake. I am really upset with J and the whole situation. I wanted to be his FRIEND. I am jelos like you wouldnot believe that he has a relationship with Christine and maliciously cuts me out and off. Explain what telling me to call and then not answering the phone does for you. Explain the satisfaction you get from blocking me. Did I not share how insecure I am? I was an open book and rather than that benefitting me, I ended up having it not taken into consideration. Like when I was a teen ager and younger--I was picked on a lot. My best friend decided not to talk to me anymore because I was not popular enough. Eighth grade is hard enough and she had been my friend for years. I wish I really knew her reasoning. So, I wanted J to know every little thing about me so he had all the information. Lot of good it did.

The plan.... divorce and single motherhood

It is not secret that the man I married and I do not get along. He is an angry bitter man (damn, I can find them) and he thinks there should be no divorce. His reasoning. "no one in my family gets divorced. They fight, get drunk and have wild parties where everyone acts like ther ugly, drunken self but no divorce. This means nothing to me. I want to wake up next to the man I love. I want to do anyting and everything for somone else (within reason of course) and I know I have to get through Chritmas since I keep promising more time for him to stay. But it is so damn uncomfortable here. There is no affection between us. I feel like one of those women in an arranged marriage when before hand they think "maybe in time I will love him." I tried. I really really did becasue after the eldest grew to be school age, I thought it would be horrible for me to introduce someone new. I wanted them to know their dad and grow up with him. But I am not growing. I am trying. Oh how I have tried. But the damage is so great. I remember saying he is a fixer upper when I married him, but instead of making him a better person, he dreagged me to his level. I hate who I am right now. I want to be the kind, loving, caring person I know I am. Not the nasty, mean person who is deeply hurt and looking for healling. Unfortuanetly I need to heal alone or with a support. 17 years of healing. Is it only a year after a loss that I can meet people again? The only one I want to talk to thinks I am a mistake. It just reminds me of the day I crawled into bed with grandma and told her I didn't think my mum ever wanted me. I cried hard.

She assured me that mum wanted me a lot and now I feel again like she doesn't. She spends as little time on the phone with me and never more than a few moments here. I don't think my mum ever wanted me. Call it biology becomes biography or nature vs nurture.

Christmas brings Aunt Phyll, mum and dad to Heather's. I don't forsee any reunion athough Aunt Phyll let me live in Waltham with her and learn what a city highschool was. She also attended Ella's birth--allowing me to bite her at one point. And I need some true affection. We will see how it plays out.



So it is tense here and I am picking up writing after D sent a cup of coffee over the keyboard to the kids computer. I bought washable so it can spend 5 minutes in water and be okay. Chose not to write because I hate anyone hovering behind me when they could just log in and read when I am done. I am trying to be clear. If there is fog, it is because of the Nightquil. I think the craftsman had the right idea. Lets be ladies presumabley sipping tea... Gwen is painting us each a tea with a cup o' on the outside. Clever gifts.

So illness here, the divorce fits in with him not wanting to do anything since there is no benefit. No trade going on, LOL. I am focused on the holiday and my family. Divorce sections I have been reading on the computer just includes too many people who want to take your momey to fill out forms. The POLK web site walked me through. They are called "directions" And warning me that I may have done something wrong is not making me rush to find a grand to have them look at what I filed. Then they don't show in court? A true attorney does the paperwork and is in court for $1200. J made out when Opals dad was involved and J just wanted them to handle the divorce too. Noone had to do any work in that case. Being one's own lawyer --effective-- lawyer requires footwork. My feet are a bit tired.

How am I?

I have just discovered I am an emotional eater. Back during Easter, I ate bags of Whopper eggs and Hershey kisses. This time it is Lindt and Ferrer Rochet. I have made myself sick and am even sleep eating. My emtional turmoil is beyond great and I am watching the pounds settle in m belly, theighs and even backa area. I joined Sparkpeople and have yet to type today's chocolate massacre. I am sure an entire bag is more than one serving.....I need to post pictures in a bathing suit and paste it everywhere to motivate me. We went to Isadora's consert last night and Ella's Student of the month this morning. Pictures when I take them off the camera.

Here she is!



And Isa after her concert:



Here is getting the Christmas tree. I was going to wait to decorate but Christmas can never be over soon enough for me. It just shows the greedy desires of man.... My last year to celebrate...




There it is. HUGE at 8 feet. Pictures of it has a blur on the lens so one will just have to imagine it decorated.

Gigi will probably be here today--and WE are mostly suffering with stomach bugs. Everyone is down and out. I am not up for the bus to Wic so I am going to reschedule because my couches are filled with children holding buckets, loads of tissue and cups of herb tea. Now as long as I can fight off this feeling of malaise, I can take care of them. I will say that BREATHE DEEP and THROAT CARE teas both pretty much suck. Force it down, I will.

So I am studdying Buddism today. I have issues with the God of my youth and find it does not really help with my inner peace. I am sick of a Christian society that does not practice what they preach. Until I change, I, too, am part of the problem--not the solution. And if EAT PRAY LOVE is in my future then why fight it. I think I will re-read it today as a field guide rather than a novel. Today I look at religion and not Asperger's (RIGHT, LOL!)

D's nephew is here. The last time I had seen Stephen, it was at my house on Wimbledon Dr and he was still a kid.



And proof that B still thinks I am the the BEST....





I am sure I wll be back, LOL. I hae twenty or so listings to put up and have been watching the ebay app as I type this and bids come in. This means what is sold must be replenished with new merchandise. Researching Disney stuff it time consuming--even the pins but I have sold one for $21. Today I ship a Doc tile that sold for $9. So that may be my day --or I will make another cup of tea and watch Disney with the kids filling my bed.

What is happening? Toys for tots and other types help

I have yet to even write an action list for today but I am well aware that the list is busy. Again I lost a post by accidentally closing the page. I am not meant to write today. I am stuck between what I want, what I cannot have and what I cannot get rid of. So I beat on, boats against the current being swept ceasely into the past. I suppose I should learn to place those I cannot trust in my past where they belong. My problem is I still hold some trust and heaps of hope.

I picked up Toys for Tot's today and was pleased to have the game of horsehoes dedicated to my careless family. Guessing at least two kids with stitches. This was done at 9 am. I have been hoping there is one probono lawyer that wants to help me since I really don't like the law. I will prepare myself with the dedication of a true lawyer--then I can remind myself why I am a biologist. Just be thorough.

J blocked me again. I did ask S to unblock J ans she responded "okay Jen, I will" I corrected her immediately and asked her to shoot me if I am another Jen. I think I got a photo of him of J before he blocked me. I wan to run my run my hands..........oh STOP. He soesn't want you!!! I was waiting to write to him witout blubbering and he took that away. Trust..... Those I trust with my life don't seem to value it. It is time to focus on bettering me and watching out for myself. Who am I kidding. I am strong, I am invincible, I will make someone an excellent mate after I finish evolving into the perfect mom. I am trying so hard.



And I give the best love with everything in me if the person I love is worthy--even when they may seem they aren't.

Parades and such

As odd as it feels, we went to the local Poinciana parade this morning. The biggest show was put on by the Sheriff's department. Our family arrived an hour before the show:


It gets better:



The bus! LOL. So basically the parade consited of all the sheriff department's vehicles and lots of kids marching poorly.

I hate parades. I spent mumber two sitting in the car. Over all, yesterday sucked. I am sick of doing things just becasue I am afraid of somone's reaction. I am brushing that shit off and from this moment on, if I don't want to do something and the world is not going to stop if I don't do it, I am going to stay home.

Now to buy the tree.....

A busy day so far.

MOTHER OF GOD I have lost this post twice!!!!

I have been excedingly busy with paperwork today and it seems that I aught to stay away from the computer. There is a ghost in the machine. Speaking of, I have been having haunting dreams of late and most have to do with change. I dreamt I lost someone close to me and I kept searching to find them, not wanting to accept they were truley gone. It is a dream that leaves a sense of sadness. So I am throwing myself into what ever I can. I have decided to become a member of the Homeowners Association her in Poinciana. It requires building and blueprint knowledge so I am kind of qualified. What I need to learn I can do it on the job--vollunteer job that is.

I am a homeschool mom again. Gwen just signed up for FLVS. I okayed her classes yesterday. I was looking through some paperwork and found a learning style test I did on both Gwen and Is when I first decided to homeschool. Damn was I thorough--makes me glad I had a scientific back ground. This should also help with the research being done on L. I am already sick of appointments. Right now he is on ABC Mouse. For $8 a month both B and L have accounts that keep track of what lessons they have worked on. They love the computer and if it can get through to them better than me then I am all for it.

So it is still morning and I am already very accomplished. Now I want to rest before Gi gets here with the kids. I am gazing now at the organized videos and the fairly clear floor. In a matter of however long it takes for them to make it through the door, a mess will ensue. I need to charge my camera.

I will need to take pictures this comig Wednesday for Ella made student of the month. She has been working so very hard since I screamed at them for their lousy grades and have become the homework /review gestapo. Anyway, it worked for El now lets see how much better then next slew of grades is.

It is finally here: The diagnosis hits hard

I am often asked why I had so many kids. Honestly, I thought it was the only thing I could do right. And I had a body that handled pregnancy really well. Now I have a child that is diagnosed with what I consider a problem. I knew he was special and the name should not surprise me but I have no support and nothing to draw on as to do the best for him. I feel like this is another failure. I am so sad that D will be able to go on with life, find someone to make him happy and I am going to be in therapy with my son or in therapy for myself because I am overwhelmed. I cannot take one more bit of bad news. I cannot take one more child needing medication or some sort of intervention. I don't understand why I have to do this alone when I have reached out for help. The human race is so selfish. I am afraid to trust anyone and get close but I want a hug so badly. I want to hear that I am beautiful even with snot running down my face and my eyes swollen. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. My struggle has been hard this last two months with my own disorder and then I's diagnosis too. Why would a God that is a loving God allow so many children to have problems. Why would a loving God give me all these kids and make me so inept??? Why would a loving God give me something that I have to struggle with? WHY would he not send a damn lighning bolt and put me out of my misery so I don't have to bother with dissappointment, divorce, lonliness, anger, and just emptiness. EVERY TIME I let somone in, I also allow them the power to hurt me and I don't just "get over it". I still get a nervous sick feeling in my stomach when I think of J. I miss him and hope he is working things out with J for his kids sake. I just can't do the same. He didn't abuse her. I have been physically hurt too many times in just the last year.I am not going to have anyone I can share life with for kids don't take the place of a partner.

I just want to complain-- and find the jerk off that thought it okay to come into my yard and steal my bike. The boys just asked to go for a ride and I had to explain why I can not take them for a ride. GRRRR and if that is not enough, the car won't start.

This is just the tip of the iceburg, so to speak. Karma has caught up to me. I dread thinking what else is going to happen.....

Always bad news?

I have spent as little time as possible these last two weeks focusing on what needs to be done, getting a schedule in place for L and the rest of the kids since their report cards were so bad. I have tutoring scholarships to fill out, school enrollment paperwork, social securty, court papers (divorce is rediculously long to accomplish and FL does not offer legal separation.) and every other thing that comes home with 7 kids from whatever they are working on. Child rearing is lots of work. I had proposed to D that we could co parent but not be together but the only way he is going to get over me is if he is away from me. He should be able to leave as soon as the judge signs off. It has been a month since he put in his request. It will make it easier on me so I am not trying to hide phone calls to lawyers and the loads of paperwork I have been filing. Oh and leagal aid dropped me so I am having to go pro se -- this means more trips to Bartow. And I am not holding my breath on my license. I figure it is going to take at least 4 months before they review and decide. This IS FL. And another thing--Terminix is wanting to tent my house for 4 grand. Sure, I'll just take it out of the bank. PLEASE, it was all I could do to budget the regular service and now they want to charge me $400 a mo. I am going to put cock roach eradication on my list and buy the chemicals myself. So the list grows and grows. I'd better stop since I already have a paper list and was hoping to take at least a half a day off.

Through all this, thoughts of H woke me. It is 4 in th emorning and I am looking at her highschool senior picture. It makes me so sad. I am so glad she is out of pain but the pain she has left behind is unconsionable. I am trying not to dwell and I am using all my own advice. I blogged enough about suicide recovery to know that I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I can only make the rest of my life as pleasant as possible and that is removing those things that make me unhappy. C has told me so many times to be strong and it comes and goes. R reminded me that I have a set back but I am strong enough to overcome it after I have been gentle with myself for the need to mourn or be depressed. My episodes are getting fewer--at least I hope that is what I am seeing. I think the suicide msg boards and the necessity to learn about my son's diability has kept me focused. Not to mention, I have to sit at the computer rather than use my notebook in my bed. I need to stay out of bed unless it is with someone I am spending time with.....on that front. I really cannot return any mesages I have gotten becasue D still believes he owns me. SERVE him already! Since words mean nothing. Sadly, I do feel badly for him since he had such a shitty life HOWEVER I allowed him to nearly destroy me. The empty shell is being filled again and it has nothing to do with him. How does "I just want to be friends" sound? How about I just want to be exes and have you pay me child support if you can keep a job. Oh yeah, he lost another one. No energy to laugh even though I called it. Six weeks, he claims but I am sure it was less. Life is flying by.




"It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered and may never stop missing their loved ones, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives."

http://www.allianceofhope.org/alliance-of-hope-for-suic/

I will be placing her on this memorial wall too. I need to come up with 250 words for a "message" and Alphaville Forever Young is the song I will forever connect with her. Now for that tattoo. I have to reschedule and make the time. Since I did not get the one year anniversary of her death to complete it, I am trying for her birthday.

It is time to truly make my life meaningful. No more just getting by. Right now I am working at a better relationship with my kids. My love life (or lack thereof) can come latter, if at all. G pointed out that I do not trust so I need to work on that too. I keep people at arms length and now that I don't have my mom to talk to I have been calling Amy and Aunt Phyllis. In my despair, I believed I had noone but in reality, I am the one pushing people away and it has got to stop. Otherwise I am going to end up the crazy cat lady.



Another board I need to log into.
http://www.suicideforum.com/

My new endeavor. ASPERGER'S

After trying to get my children the tutoring help they need, I also must add the study of Asperger's Syndrome to my area of expertise. This is best done with a separate blog. I have done some research but there is much to learn. Today is the Behavioral Therapist in Orlando. She will become part of my life as his visits are scheduled every two weeks. Speech therapy is Tuesday and Friday. Yesterday's IEP appointment did not reassure me but the verdict must remain out or nothing wiwll be accomplished. I am trying to not be quick to judge even though I have been trying to get an appt since SEPT. OKAY then. New blog.

http://aspergersandnumbernine.blogspot.com/