Repairing relationships

Myles called me. His first wife died suddenly and he called to let Gi know. She was here so she got to talk to her dad. Why is it that a catastrophe has to hit before people realize that we really only have but a moment on this earth and then it is done. I am reminded of the three fates. Who is to know when our string will be cut? I am going to do my best to let those I love know that I love them with all I have. Linda went to see the dr and she was gone in a week. If that was all I was given what would I do? I can't change what I have already done so even though I can honestly say I am being a better mother, I wonder. Amazing what giving up the booze can do for you. From thi day on, every opportunity I have to be kind, I am going to take it. Even if the receiving party may not seem like they deserve it. It is not for me to judge. I am sure that if Myles and Linda could have had children they would have remained together. He probably would have moved to CA and stayed with Intel.

So many losses. It seems to be all that life is about. It is just unfortuante that we realize how much better a friend,a sister,a daughter one could be if they just kept in mind that life is fleeting. Maybe we would not act so rashly and think before we hurt somone just because we are hurt. Better yet, strive for peace and kindness. Even if one is capable of cutting put downs it does not prove you are superior.

I just had the opportunity to be purposely hurt. I think I am done now. I have already gotten rid of FB and now I am finding too much I am not seemingly able to shake. I am really upset with J and the whole situation. I wanted to be his FRIEND. I am jelos like you wouldnot believe that he has a relationship with Christine and maliciously cuts me out and off. Explain what telling me to call and then not answering the phone does for you. Explain the satisfaction you get from blocking me. Did I not share how insecure I am? I was an open book and rather than that benefitting me, I ended up having it not taken into consideration. Like when I was a teen ager and younger--I was picked on a lot. My best friend decided not to talk to me anymore because I was not popular enough. Eighth grade is hard enough and she had been my friend for years. I wish I really knew her reasoning. So, I wanted J to know every little thing about me so he had all the information. Lot of good it did.

When will life not be so miserable?

DH has been here the last couple days and it is so obvious how much I hate him, I cannot even hide it. I hope I can forgive at some point but I don't feel like forgiving. To little to late. And even though I was honest with him about wanting and filing for divorce he still harbors some sick hope to keep me in my misery. And being totally incapable of dealing with him, I have been using alcohol to dull his presence. He hacked my FB again because he doesn't believe I should have anyone in my life--and yet begs for forgiveness. i won't even log into FB to see what damage he did. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach and he wonders why I scream how much I hate him.. I hope he finds a place soon because I am wanting to leave! And it is my house. Breakups have never been so ugly. A ring will never grace my ring finger on my left hand ever again. Marriage has sucked. 3:18 I looked and I want to cry. He called C a backstabber and she really thought it was me. I couldn't even get through all he wrote to J but I've lost yet again. He won't talk to me anymore, of that I am certain. Why did he have to invite me back? Now I have to go through all the misery again. While I still think everyday about the loss of Holly. Why wasn't it me? It should have been me. She was so beautiful and filled with light and love. She made friends easily and people loved her. I have always been on the fringes and never really able to connect with people. It isn't fair that I have to keep moving on through this life and she gets eternal rest. I am stuck in the slums of FL, she had the Cape. I was going to say "It does not change the fact that I want my life back." but my I have outlived my usefulness. Bed and chocolate are looking very appealing yet again. At least D is actively looking for a place to go. Gi just called, a mess, needing a place to stay. And as unstable as I feel right now I will have her move in. Three more kids to take care of. When is it going to be my turn? When is someone going to just love me in all my craziness, with no judgement? I am working so hard to fill this shell that I am failing. One can only pour so much out of a vessel before it is empty. I have nothing filling me back up and it is sick to rely on children to fill the empty place in ones heart. Yes, D I did give my heart to J but it matters not because I am expendable. Now I am going to be sick as I type yet again through the tears and wonder what I did wrong this time. Excuse me while I throw up.