What is happening? Toys for tots and other types help

I have yet to even write an action list for today but I am well aware that the list is busy. Again I lost a post by accidentally closing the page. I am not meant to write today. I am stuck between what I want, what I cannot have and what I cannot get rid of. So I beat on, boats against the current being swept ceasely into the past. I suppose I should learn to place those I cannot trust in my past where they belong. My problem is I still hold some trust and heaps of hope.

I picked up Toys for Tot's today and was pleased to have the game of horsehoes dedicated to my careless family. Guessing at least two kids with stitches. This was done at 9 am. I have been hoping there is one probono lawyer that wants to help me since I really don't like the law. I will prepare myself with the dedication of a true lawyer--then I can remind myself why I am a biologist. Just be thorough.

J blocked me again. I did ask S to unblock J ans she responded "okay Jen, I will" I corrected her immediately and asked her to shoot me if I am another Jen. I think I got a photo of him of J before he blocked me. I wan to run my run my hands..........oh STOP. He soesn't want you!!! I was waiting to write to him witout blubbering and he took that away. Trust..... Those I trust with my life don't seem to value it. It is time to focus on bettering me and watching out for myself. Who am I kidding. I am strong, I am invincible, I will make someone an excellent mate after I finish evolving into the perfect mom. I am trying so hard.



And I give the best love with everything in me if the person I love is worthy--even when they may seem they aren't.

It is finally here: The diagnosis hits hard

I am often asked why I had so many kids. Honestly, I thought it was the only thing I could do right. And I had a body that handled pregnancy really well. Now I have a child that is diagnosed with what I consider a problem. I knew he was special and the name should not surprise me but I have no support and nothing to draw on as to do the best for him. I feel like this is another failure. I am so sad that D will be able to go on with life, find someone to make him happy and I am going to be in therapy with my son or in therapy for myself because I am overwhelmed. I cannot take one more bit of bad news. I cannot take one more child needing medication or some sort of intervention. I don't understand why I have to do this alone when I have reached out for help. The human race is so selfish. I am afraid to trust anyone and get close but I want a hug so badly. I want to hear that I am beautiful even with snot running down my face and my eyes swollen. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. My struggle has been hard this last two months with my own disorder and then I's diagnosis too. Why would a God that is a loving God allow so many children to have problems. Why would a loving God give me all these kids and make me so inept??? Why would a loving God give me something that I have to struggle with? WHY would he not send a damn lighning bolt and put me out of my misery so I don't have to bother with dissappointment, divorce, lonliness, anger, and just emptiness. EVERY TIME I let somone in, I also allow them the power to hurt me and I don't just "get over it". I still get a nervous sick feeling in my stomach when I think of J. I miss him and hope he is working things out with J for his kids sake. I just can't do the same. He didn't abuse her. I have been physically hurt too many times in just the last year.I am not going to have anyone I can share life with for kids don't take the place of a partner.

I just want to complain-- and find the jerk off that thought it okay to come into my yard and steal my bike. The boys just asked to go for a ride and I had to explain why I can not take them for a ride. GRRRR and if that is not enough, the car won't start.

This is just the tip of the iceburg, so to speak. Karma has caught up to me. I dread thinking what else is going to happen.....