Suicide does not stop the pain....(borrowed)

Thank you to my online support of the Friends of suicide yahoo group
by Kevin Caruso
If you are suicidal, you are in pain. In agonizing pain. And probably have untreated depression.

####This was in my inbox. Very simple but true. Ochman's hammer, if you will.

If you are suicidal, you are probably in agonizing pain. But the important question is, how do you stop the pain?

Let me start with what you should not do. You should not magnify the
pain. That may seem obvious, but let me explain further. You see, if
you die by suicide,
the pain that you were feeling gets transferred to your loved ones and
is strongly intensified. So the pain is not eliminated, it gets worse.
Much worse. Unbearably worse.

So do not magnify the pain with dying by suicide.

And if you die by suicide, you will not feel relief from the pain,
because relief is only felt by the living. So you must make a commitment to stay
alive--no matter what--and work on diminishing the pain that you are
feeling.
If you are suicidal, you probably are suffering from depression, and
depression is highly treatable. So if you have not seen a medical
doctor or a therapist, you need to do so
immediately.

Depression causes a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that imbalance
needs to be rectified. Sometimes medicine needs to be administered,
just like medicine would be administered for any other illness. So
receiving a prescription or taking medication should not be a worry. It is not a big deal. But suicide is a very, very big deal.
Again, dying by suicide does not get rid of pain, it makes it much
worse. And you do not feel relief, because you need to be alive to feel that relief.

So stay alive. And never, under any circumstance, end your life.


http://www.suicide.org/suicide-does-not-stop-the-pain.html

Repairing relationships

Myles called me. His first wife died suddenly and he called to let Gi know. She was here so she got to talk to her dad. Why is it that a catastrophe has to hit before people realize that we really only have but a moment on this earth and then it is done. I am reminded of the three fates. Who is to know when our string will be cut? I am going to do my best to let those I love know that I love them with all I have. Linda went to see the dr and she was gone in a week. If that was all I was given what would I do? I can't change what I have already done so even though I can honestly say I am being a better mother, I wonder. Amazing what giving up the booze can do for you. From thi day on, every opportunity I have to be kind, I am going to take it. Even if the receiving party may not seem like they deserve it. It is not for me to judge. I am sure that if Myles and Linda could have had children they would have remained together. He probably would have moved to CA and stayed with Intel.

So many losses. It seems to be all that life is about. It is just unfortuante that we realize how much better a friend,a sister,a daughter one could be if they just kept in mind that life is fleeting. Maybe we would not act so rashly and think before we hurt somone just because we are hurt. Better yet, strive for peace and kindness. Even if one is capable of cutting put downs it does not prove you are superior.

I just had the opportunity to be purposely hurt. I think I am done now. I have already gotten rid of FB and now I am finding too much I am not seemingly able to shake. I am really upset with J and the whole situation. I wanted to be his FRIEND. I am jelos like you wouldnot believe that he has a relationship with Christine and maliciously cuts me out and off. Explain what telling me to call and then not answering the phone does for you. Explain the satisfaction you get from blocking me. Did I not share how insecure I am? I was an open book and rather than that benefitting me, I ended up having it not taken into consideration. Like when I was a teen ager and younger--I was picked on a lot. My best friend decided not to talk to me anymore because I was not popular enough. Eighth grade is hard enough and she had been my friend for years. I wish I really knew her reasoning. So, I wanted J to know every little thing about me so he had all the information. Lot of good it did.

Parades and such

As odd as it feels, we went to the local Poinciana parade this morning. The biggest show was put on by the Sheriff's department. Our family arrived an hour before the show:


It gets better:



The bus! LOL. So basically the parade consited of all the sheriff department's vehicles and lots of kids marching poorly.

I hate parades. I spent mumber two sitting in the car. Over all, yesterday sucked. I am sick of doing things just becasue I am afraid of somone's reaction. I am brushing that shit off and from this moment on, if I don't want to do something and the world is not going to stop if I don't do it, I am going to stay home.

Now to buy the tree.....

New family member or I have become a grandma again

Dealing with grief

I have spent the last day grieving all sorts of loss, but with the anniversary of the first year approaching more rapidly than I would like, I am left with so many unanswered questions. It is not helping (or is it) that I am past the period of shock--that time that is supposed to last 2-3 months after the loss to protect a person from the emotional suffering when someone (the individual) loves is taken away. This natural, healthy process took the form of me running to another man to escape the reality of what was happening. My focus became being in love rather than losing a sibling. Yes, I cried during the initial days but I did not feel true grief. I was protecting myself from being overwhelmed. I have moved beyond shock.

Intense concern is not being able to think about anything else. Every single day I think of her. Pictures litter my house. I recently came across a photo taken at Pirates of the Carribean where H and I dressed up and had our photo taken with the pirate prop. That was the last trip I took as a family to Disney. I remember showing up at the house after being out all night tripping on acid to pack a bag and jump on a plane. We had a great time, from what little I can recall. It was so very long ago. Always talking about her is normal right now. Calling myself normal is a stretch but I am trying to process this and have to grasp at any positive I can find. According to sources, this last 6 months to a year. I am approaching that year mark and am straddling this and depression and despair. Having taken myself off my medication, I am trying to feel where the depression of the loss ends and true biochemical imbalance begins. I have yet to find it.



I think the most important advice I have come across is this: "It's your grief! Claim it. Experience it. Surrender to your grief. And don't let anyone take away your right to it."

My big issue seems to be anger, anger that someone who has shared a lifetime with me is gone. We girls were supposed to comfort one another with the loss of our parents.

ANGER -- Anger is a "biggie", almost universally experienced by all who grieve. It is perfectly normal and understandable for you to feel white-hot rage at the horrible injustice that has befallen you.

You may be mad at:
---Your lost loved one (for leaving you... especially in cases of suicide)
---The situation (such as a drunk driver)
---The doctors (for not saving her)
---God (for allowing this to happen)
---The whole world ('nuff said)

Now how to let the anger out with out taking out on everyone. Even a hard swim yesterday did nothing for how angry I was. I still am. And I am angry at me for being angry. (And I am bleeping pissed right now that I am having porn popups show while I am trying to process my grief.)

Not so reasurring is that when I am in need of social support the most, none is available. D is trying to comfort, but I do not want to be touched, hugged. Let me cry and stay out of my space.

Attractive and I will post this ugliness lest I ever forget this pain.




I think that is all I can handle right now. Actually, I am certain of it. I need to baby myself today. Try, anyway. I am sure D will suggest going out so I am not staring at the same walls, even if there is a pool. I will have to politely decline. Much politer than the send off he got this morning. But, as I heard something to the effect once that if someone cannot accept and love you during the bad then they don't deserve you during the good times, I shall simply be grateful that he is willing to just accept what I must go through and not try to change the process. But, rather, allow me the space to figure out what the process is.










"You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair".

-- Old Chinese Proverb

Movie in the park.

This was the movie I did not watch last night at the new Kissimmee lake side park. I hope to GOD that is the right trailer for I am not in the mood for editing. Since I had spend the majority of the day in a Nightquil haze, I was rather sleepy and did my best to hang as long as I could. Being a mom is not a burden, I am telling myself, and me there sick as I was was better than me absent. My kids didn't spend much time with me. The park was better than the movie so we packed up by 9:18 and I was asleep as soon as I hit the bed.





This is what I found so funny:



when Ben was so well insulated from any bumps lest the items in the Burley crushed him.



G is blurry. Lets fix that.





The view and weather was perfect for a night out. I am about to take Nightquil dose one for I coughed all night. One might think a trip to the Dr would be a good idea. I swam in the pool when it was cloudy and since I am blaming every malady on it, then my onset of head cold hell has got to be swimming related. I am not allergic to my grandchildren like D informs me. Indeed today they turn one. The party is at 2:00 and I will be bringing decorations over prior. The plan to have a yard sale has come to a grinding halt because I am simply tired and really owe my body a rest.

My recommendation for the day is Folgers singles. They are a positively stellar idea over instant coffee. I am not a coffee expert, tea is more my thing, but I think they are great to have on hand to make a near perfect cup of fresh coffee.


http://www.folgerscoffee.com/coffees/classic-roast-singles

Third cup and my scratchy, sore throat is not screaming for tea. That's new and different.