Sunday in bed......

I have been a support group "groupie" with my sister's suicide and L's diagnosis. But, I don't feel it is helping. I really prefer to work things out on my own which is why I push so many away. I start to type the issue and I lose interest half way through. I feel like it has all been covered before. Maybe not by me but by SOMEONE. I have to take large breaks when dealing with all the information on both subjects. I wonder what I am going to be hit with next? I am realizing that it is near impossible for me to live on the limited money that comes into the house.

I am trying to work on my ebay store today and find I am simply not interested. Needing to actually WORK--UGH. Yet, I am considering more training so I can get a job. No more babies puts me in position to work. Plus I will have the ability to drive and have no excuse.....

Okay so I am looking for an excuse not to have to deal with people and I come up with the fact that E's school is getting rid of 5th grade and she will have to go to middle school. She is so tiny and asks me repeatedly to be homeschooled. I have researched and know my kids so I am at odds. They loath homework and two are in Saturday school. I cannot add any more to my schedule if I want time to shower. I cannot remember the last time I left the house to do something that has nothing to do with kids. It is either school issues or doctor's appointments. I wish I had realized how hard it is to raise children when I was having them.

Mum and dad are in FL right now and will be here until they file their taxes. This will be the last year I will be filing a tax return without my name on it. I will have to let the government take my check for my student loans that are in default. It is sad that I have to even worry about it--if I were not "disabled" there would not be an issue. Anyway, I do have the degree so I might as well pay for it.

what will we do for love?

I wonder. Love of what? Sex? Money? Children? Spouse? or some other love that takes over te senses.
Well what is love? I need to know before it is too late.

LOVE
noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?


I have definitely felt love. And I have felt Jelousy. I'd rather love but sometimes it isn't so easy which brings to mind anger.


In Greek mythology, Lyssa (Greek: Λύσσα; called Lytta (Λύττα) by the Athenians) was the spirit of mad rage, frenzy and rabies in animals. She was closely related to the Maniae, the goddesses of madness and insanity. Her Roman equivalent was variously named Ira, Furor, or Rabies. Sometimes she was multiplied into a host of Irae and Furores.

Seems about right. I seem inflicted with the spirit of Lyssa. I wonder if there is a medication for that.

Myles visited yesterday. Plans were hatched and Gi is on her way home. It is dependent on which car she wants to drive North as to when she goes. Either way, Myles leaves tomorrow. He has enjoed his stay with my sister as well as enjoying H's wine bar. Too bad Patriots lost :(.

Today is Dr Harrison so the boys ar with D in Orlando. I will not predend I am not going to miss him taking everyone everywhere. Lord knows I have the worste sense of direction and am far better off not being behind the wheel. My key chains is ready for car keys, though. I will probably drive the car my parents gave the girls since neither one has a license. On my list: insurance.

so back to love. I am sure I blocked a big part of my heart off. Maybe that is why I feel like a hand is squeezing my chest. Once intermittent, now a constant tightening.
but what will we do for love?

Make a complete fool of ourselves drunk and otherwise. It is sadder sober becasue it means that you've reached bottom. That is about it.

On a more positive note: 18 trains was not too many trains for Christmas and the #300.00 I earned selling on ebay so I broke even. Now to add the crane and roundhouse.... Ben's Birthday is coming soon!

How dreams hurt

I woke this morning. It was a wedding I was attending--a wedding planned by Heather. I was unhappy with the dress and decided to not be in the wedding. I then went to look for H3. I looked everywhere, I could not find her. I cried out for heaven to help me and there was silence. The lump in the back of my throat released and I woke completely sobbing. There is no escape from the pain of the loss. I can beg "please give me one more chance to tell her how very much she is loved." Please give me one more chance to sing at the top of our lungs to Billy Joel. Please give me one more chance to tell her how proud I am of her and how very much I love her. Please. I am shattered and I am not sure I will ever heal. It has been said I will not recover from this even though I tried to put it all in perspective. There is no fucking perspective. There is no catagory for this type of pain. There is no understanding. Give me relief or give me a way out. I do not laugh anymore. It is hard to smile. I hurt everywhere and I hurt constantly. One would think I would focus on my kids but I cannot seem to get beyond the feeling of desolation. There isn't enough help in this world to make it better. It will never be better. SHE IS GONE HEIDI--every relationship from the moment she died on will be tainted with the loss of my baby sister. Truly she hated herself--which seems to be a typical Davis trait. I will trade places with you Holly, and maybe we can leave together. This life seems too hard and I am just as miserable as you had been. I did not suffer the same way but I suffer silently. The next loss will not be mine, it will be me.

Just tired

How does it feel to treat me like you do? When you put your hand upon me and told me who you are?



Christmas has gone and I threw the tree out today. I am struggling to get my house in order for my parents. There is never enough I can do for the kids conspire to conspire. Their whisperings include how to spread dirt, create extra laundry and eat incenssantly. No consideration is put in to picking up after oneself but that is to change this year. All this therapy has actually been a crash course in child management. No hitting is understood. I find I am far more effective when I smother with love even when I want to beat them. Not exactly smothering but handling with love rather than anger makes a world of difference. I don't want my kids to grow up as angry as I did--an anger I still have not quiet figured out.





I took Gi out for her birthday. We haven't gone out since she was 16 so it was a nice remeberance. We were out early enough that we were home before the roads were angerous--a reason I never go out on New Years.... I have the babies for the night and I might add that the toddlers are terrors.




My life has been very busy. I am absorbing all I can for Lachy and have learned massive amounts of information. Research of Aspergers is cutting edge but there is still tons that needs to be done. Right now L is in Orlando geting a 12 hr EEG. Neurobiological and an Autism spectrum disorder, I am curious as to the interpretation of his results. That is not womthing I have researched but it is my understanding that the cause will not show up on an EEG.

Repairing relationships

Myles called me. His first wife died suddenly and he called to let Gi know. She was here so she got to talk to her dad. Why is it that a catastrophe has to hit before people realize that we really only have but a moment on this earth and then it is done. I am reminded of the three fates. Who is to know when our string will be cut? I am going to do my best to let those I love know that I love them with all I have. Linda went to see the dr and she was gone in a week. If that was all I was given what would I do? I can't change what I have already done so even though I can honestly say I am being a better mother, I wonder. Amazing what giving up the booze can do for you. From thi day on, every opportunity I have to be kind, I am going to take it. Even if the receiving party may not seem like they deserve it. It is not for me to judge. I am sure that if Myles and Linda could have had children they would have remained together. He probably would have moved to CA and stayed with Intel.

So many losses. It seems to be all that life is about. It is just unfortuante that we realize how much better a friend,a sister,a daughter one could be if they just kept in mind that life is fleeting. Maybe we would not act so rashly and think before we hurt somone just because we are hurt. Better yet, strive for peace and kindness. Even if one is capable of cutting put downs it does not prove you are superior.

I just had the opportunity to be purposely hurt. I think I am done now. I have already gotten rid of FB and now I am finding too much I am not seemingly able to shake. I am really upset with J and the whole situation. I wanted to be his FRIEND. I am jelos like you wouldnot believe that he has a relationship with Christine and maliciously cuts me out and off. Explain what telling me to call and then not answering the phone does for you. Explain the satisfaction you get from blocking me. Did I not share how insecure I am? I was an open book and rather than that benefitting me, I ended up having it not taken into consideration. Like when I was a teen ager and younger--I was picked on a lot. My best friend decided not to talk to me anymore because I was not popular enough. Eighth grade is hard enough and she had been my friend for years. I wish I really knew her reasoning. So, I wanted J to know every little thing about me so he had all the information. Lot of good it did.

The plan.... divorce and single motherhood

It is not secret that the man I married and I do not get along. He is an angry bitter man (damn, I can find them) and he thinks there should be no divorce. His reasoning. "no one in my family gets divorced. They fight, get drunk and have wild parties where everyone acts like ther ugly, drunken self but no divorce. This means nothing to me. I want to wake up next to the man I love. I want to do anyting and everything for somone else (within reason of course) and I know I have to get through Chritmas since I keep promising more time for him to stay. But it is so damn uncomfortable here. There is no affection between us. I feel like one of those women in an arranged marriage when before hand they think "maybe in time I will love him." I tried. I really really did becasue after the eldest grew to be school age, I thought it would be horrible for me to introduce someone new. I wanted them to know their dad and grow up with him. But I am not growing. I am trying. Oh how I have tried. But the damage is so great. I remember saying he is a fixer upper when I married him, but instead of making him a better person, he dreagged me to his level. I hate who I am right now. I want to be the kind, loving, caring person I know I am. Not the nasty, mean person who is deeply hurt and looking for healling. Unfortuanetly I need to heal alone or with a support. 17 years of healing. Is it only a year after a loss that I can meet people again? The only one I want to talk to thinks I am a mistake. It just reminds me of the day I crawled into bed with grandma and told her I didn't think my mum ever wanted me. I cried hard.

She assured me that mum wanted me a lot and now I feel again like she doesn't. She spends as little time on the phone with me and never more than a few moments here. I don't think my mum ever wanted me. Call it biology becomes biography or nature vs nurture.

Christmas brings Aunt Phyll, mum and dad to Heather's. I don't forsee any reunion athough Aunt Phyll let me live in Waltham with her and learn what a city highschool was. She also attended Ella's birth--allowing me to bite her at one point. And I need some true affection. We will see how it plays out.



So it is tense here and I am picking up writing after D sent a cup of coffee over the keyboard to the kids computer. I bought washable so it can spend 5 minutes in water and be okay. Chose not to write because I hate anyone hovering behind me when they could just log in and read when I am done. I am trying to be clear. If there is fog, it is because of the Nightquil. I think the craftsman had the right idea. Lets be ladies presumabley sipping tea... Gwen is painting us each a tea with a cup o' on the outside. Clever gifts.

So illness here, the divorce fits in with him not wanting to do anything since there is no benefit. No trade going on, LOL. I am focused on the holiday and my family. Divorce sections I have been reading on the computer just includes too many people who want to take your momey to fill out forms. The POLK web site walked me through. They are called "directions" And warning me that I may have done something wrong is not making me rush to find a grand to have them look at what I filed. Then they don't show in court? A true attorney does the paperwork and is in court for $1200. J made out when Opals dad was involved and J just wanted them to handle the divorce too. Noone had to do any work in that case. Being one's own lawyer --effective-- lawyer requires footwork. My feet are a bit tired.

How am I?

I have just discovered I am an emotional eater. Back during Easter, I ate bags of Whopper eggs and Hershey kisses. This time it is Lindt and Ferrer Rochet. I have made myself sick and am even sleep eating. My emtional turmoil is beyond great and I am watching the pounds settle in m belly, theighs and even backa area. I joined Sparkpeople and have yet to type today's chocolate massacre. I am sure an entire bag is more than one serving.....I need to post pictures in a bathing suit and paste it everywhere to motivate me. We went to Isadora's consert last night and Ella's Student of the month this morning. Pictures when I take them off the camera.

Here she is!



And Isa after her concert:



Here is getting the Christmas tree. I was going to wait to decorate but Christmas can never be over soon enough for me. It just shows the greedy desires of man.... My last year to celebrate...




There it is. HUGE at 8 feet. Pictures of it has a blur on the lens so one will just have to imagine it decorated.

Gigi will probably be here today--and WE are mostly suffering with stomach bugs. Everyone is down and out. I am not up for the bus to Wic so I am going to reschedule because my couches are filled with children holding buckets, loads of tissue and cups of herb tea. Now as long as I can fight off this feeling of malaise, I can take care of them. I will say that BREATHE DEEP and THROAT CARE teas both pretty much suck. Force it down, I will.

So I am studdying Buddism today. I have issues with the God of my youth and find it does not really help with my inner peace. I am sick of a Christian society that does not practice what they preach. Until I change, I, too, am part of the problem--not the solution. And if EAT PRAY LOVE is in my future then why fight it. I think I will re-read it today as a field guide rather than a novel. Today I look at religion and not Asperger's (RIGHT, LOL!)

D's nephew is here. The last time I had seen Stephen, it was at my house on Wimbledon Dr and he was still a kid.



And proof that B still thinks I am the the BEST....





I am sure I wll be back, LOL. I hae twenty or so listings to put up and have been watching the ebay app as I type this and bids come in. This means what is sold must be replenished with new merchandise. Researching Disney stuff it time consuming--even the pins but I have sold one for $21. Today I ship a Doc tile that sold for $9. So that may be my day --or I will make another cup of tea and watch Disney with the kids filling my bed.