Holly's story

My baby sister was born February 14, 1975 to a middle class Cape Cod family. We didn't grow up with an abundance but we had the beach and life was safe. She loved and looked up to me and I can remmeber trying to get her to leave me and my friends alone during the summer months. I wish now that I had not been so selfish. I think this is why it bothers me terribly now when my kids are not getting along. She was the baby of the family and was considered the baby for years. I remember the day I yelled at mum asking when she would no longer be the baby anymore. I just did not understand motherhood or the feelings associated with the last child. I do now. When I think about it, she was my baby too. I would often get up and change her in the morning, playing until mum woke. Yes, she was the baby.

Like all babies, she grew and grew. The funniest memory I have was when Heather and I tried to tackle her and she has us both pinned. We were both laughing so hard we could not fight back. This was when we reached our teens and although I am 6 years older, we all became great friends. God, I miss that time. I moved out and had two babies. Holly was always there, babysitting, and being a companion to me--she was my best friend. But I went away to school and she went away for drinking--when she came home, she hated me. I am sure there is much more to it but we were never close again. Marriages followed and then her divorce from the love of her life. He was relentless in torturing her, taking her into court at least 11 times to take her kids from her. The day before he was to succeed, she hung herself. Sadly, not even a year had passed since she found her new husband hanging in the garage three weeks after they married. I now know one person every 13 minutes dies from suicide and there are 8-25 attempts per death. Staggering.

I found out she was gone by those very words uttered by my husband. "Heidi, Holly is gone." Since she had four previous attemtps since the death of her husband, my brain clicked to rapid realization. I wish there was some confusion and it was really a mistake. Depression is rampant in my family as is alcohol abuse. Coupled they are lethal. Having barely survived an attempt on my own life I have just realized this is when she started hating me. The pain of the one that wants to die is far reaching and so many are affected. How have I survived the death of my sister when there was so much unfinished between us? I blog. I research. I try to involve myself in support groups but I am not there yet. I have to deal with this pain doing what I am doing now. And I cry. I cry for what is lost and I cry for what could have been. Always maudlin and dealing with her birthday yesterday makes me very vulnerable right now. I don't share the pain enough, I suppose and I thought I was doing well. Today, not so much. I am grieveing and it is a process. Next will be activism.

You are missed, dear sister.



***** This is a post to be submstted for publication. Anything found in error, please let me know




Facts About Suicide and Depression
Figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for the year 2010.

General

Over 38,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.
In 2010 (latest available data), there were 38,364 reported suicide deaths.
Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the United States.
Currently, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
A person dies by suicide about every 13.7 minutes in the United States.
Every day, approximately 105 Americans take their own life.
Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but three times as many females as males attempt suicide.
There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides for every suicide death.

Anniversary, birthdays and death

Tomorrow is the 14th and she should be celebrating, not ashes in a box. The pain has not lessened and the tears have not stopped. I hurt and can't escape. H2 may talk to everyone about her suicide but I close off. I want to close down because this life is not what I expected. My life has been a waste.

Fast forward--Yesterday was the 14th and I was going to get a tattoo and visit Spill. H2 could not fit me in and my house has the plague. The probelm with so many sick is that there is no getting ahead of the germs. How did I cope? I slept the day away with Amelia beside me. The bug has been debilitating--and messy.

Mum, dad G and the kids have arrived on the Cape. This, too is going to be ugly. M finally stepped up but this, too, is going to be a catastrophe. I cannot find anything good in anything right now and was just told that I think the world owes me a living. I want it to take my "living" away so somone has it wrong. Kick me when I am down. All the men in my life do.

So I am done, done with caring, done with trying and done with feeling the pain I feel regularly. What I am going to do about it, I have no idea but I had better come up with something. I am already dead inside. I loath depression.

Catching my breath..... and looking back

Left: The Franklins: M (doing what he loved) and G(8th grade Jr prom)
Right: The Dowlings: G (Montessori) and I (preschool photo day)

Yes, after today I want to look back for a moment and allow that warm, fuzzy feeling of how wonderful my kids are to wash all over me. (Positive affirmations for parents of teens...)


Well, this was started hours and hours ago. I have had a catastriphic failure in google chrome on one computer and then (becasue I don't have enough to do) after removing the memory cards and replacing them in the other computer, it is now making a sick sound (like the red ring of death for the x box but it is yellow. Fortunately towers are cheap. I have been fixing these for several years and only my caonfidence that it can't be that hard has keptthem going. To think I laughed at those who took computer science in College. My egocentrism even boggles me. How far we fall. Anyway. Digression after running to Walmart to get diapers for my darling grandbabies. They have diarrheal--Walmart does not carry medication for this ailment for babies. And their behinds are raging.

So where is the breath catching?????? I have been doing laundry becasue well, we have throw up too. I have showered mroe than once and have had my hands and feet in substances I would rether not think about in too much detail. All the while, my cry was"I am done with this!" Then Ben pooped his pants. (the same pair I just stepped on in the laundry room--vivid, huh?)

So rather than crawl into bed at almost 6 am I am relisting ebay items in my store. This has been a lesson in economics.

It is hours later. First I spilt milk with no tears. Next, I am testing out new bears since Cottonball needs to be retired. And the beautiful Ben --hoping my picts came out.

Sunday in bed......

I have been a support group "groupie" with my sister's suicide and L's diagnosis. But, I don't feel it is helping. I really prefer to work things out on my own which is why I push so many away. I start to type the issue and I lose interest half way through. I feel like it has all been covered before. Maybe not by me but by SOMEONE. I have to take large breaks when dealing with all the information on both subjects. I wonder what I am going to be hit with next? I am realizing that it is near impossible for me to live on the limited money that comes into the house.

I am trying to work on my ebay store today and find I am simply not interested. Needing to actually WORK--UGH. Yet, I am considering more training so I can get a job. No more babies puts me in position to work. Plus I will have the ability to drive and have no excuse.....

Okay so I am looking for an excuse not to have to deal with people and I come up with the fact that E's school is getting rid of 5th grade and she will have to go to middle school. She is so tiny and asks me repeatedly to be homeschooled. I have researched and know my kids so I am at odds. They loath homework and two are in Saturday school. I cannot add any more to my schedule if I want time to shower. I cannot remember the last time I left the house to do something that has nothing to do with kids. It is either school issues or doctor's appointments. I wish I had realized how hard it is to raise children when I was having them.

Mum and dad are in FL right now and will be here until they file their taxes. This will be the last year I will be filing a tax return without my name on it. I will have to let the government take my check for my student loans that are in default. It is sad that I have to even worry about it--if I were not "disabled" there would not be an issue. Anyway, I do have the degree so I might as well pay for it.

what will we do for love?

I wonder. Love of what? Sex? Money? Children? Spouse? or some other love that takes over te senses.
Well what is love? I need to know before it is too late.

LOVE
noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.
sexual passion or desire.
4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.
(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?


I have definitely felt love. And I have felt Jelousy. I'd rather love but sometimes it isn't so easy which brings to mind anger.


In Greek mythology, Lyssa (Greek: Λύσσα; called Lytta (Λύττα) by the Athenians) was the spirit of mad rage, frenzy and rabies in animals. She was closely related to the Maniae, the goddesses of madness and insanity. Her Roman equivalent was variously named Ira, Furor, or Rabies. Sometimes she was multiplied into a host of Irae and Furores.

Seems about right. I seem inflicted with the spirit of Lyssa. I wonder if there is a medication for that.

Myles visited yesterday. Plans were hatched and Gi is on her way home. It is dependent on which car she wants to drive North as to when she goes. Either way, Myles leaves tomorrow. He has enjoed his stay with my sister as well as enjoying H's wine bar. Too bad Patriots lost :(.

Today is Dr Harrison so the boys ar with D in Orlando. I will not predend I am not going to miss him taking everyone everywhere. Lord knows I have the worste sense of direction and am far better off not being behind the wheel. My key chains is ready for car keys, though. I will probably drive the car my parents gave the girls since neither one has a license. On my list: insurance.

so back to love. I am sure I blocked a big part of my heart off. Maybe that is why I feel like a hand is squeezing my chest. Once intermittent, now a constant tightening.
but what will we do for love?

Make a complete fool of ourselves drunk and otherwise. It is sadder sober becasue it means that you've reached bottom. That is about it.

On a more positive note: 18 trains was not too many trains for Christmas and the #300.00 I earned selling on ebay so I broke even. Now to add the crane and roundhouse.... Ben's Birthday is coming soon!

How dreams hurt

I woke this morning. It was a wedding I was attending--a wedding planned by Heather. I was unhappy with the dress and decided to not be in the wedding. I then went to look for H3. I looked everywhere, I could not find her. I cried out for heaven to help me and there was silence. The lump in the back of my throat released and I woke completely sobbing. There is no escape from the pain of the loss. I can beg "please give me one more chance to tell her how very much she is loved." Please give me one more chance to sing at the top of our lungs to Billy Joel. Please give me one more chance to tell her how proud I am of her and how very much I love her. Please. I am shattered and I am not sure I will ever heal. It has been said I will not recover from this even though I tried to put it all in perspective. There is no fucking perspective. There is no catagory for this type of pain. There is no understanding. Give me relief or give me a way out. I do not laugh anymore. It is hard to smile. I hurt everywhere and I hurt constantly. One would think I would focus on my kids but I cannot seem to get beyond the feeling of desolation. There isn't enough help in this world to make it better. It will never be better. SHE IS GONE HEIDI--every relationship from the moment she died on will be tainted with the loss of my baby sister. Truly she hated herself--which seems to be a typical Davis trait. I will trade places with you Holly, and maybe we can leave together. This life seems too hard and I am just as miserable as you had been. I did not suffer the same way but I suffer silently. The next loss will not be mine, it will be me.

Just tired

How does it feel to treat me like you do? When you put your hand upon me and told me who you are?



Christmas has gone and I threw the tree out today. I am struggling to get my house in order for my parents. There is never enough I can do for the kids conspire to conspire. Their whisperings include how to spread dirt, create extra laundry and eat incenssantly. No consideration is put in to picking up after oneself but that is to change this year. All this therapy has actually been a crash course in child management. No hitting is understood. I find I am far more effective when I smother with love even when I want to beat them. Not exactly smothering but handling with love rather than anger makes a world of difference. I don't want my kids to grow up as angry as I did--an anger I still have not quiet figured out.





I took Gi out for her birthday. We haven't gone out since she was 16 so it was a nice remeberance. We were out early enough that we were home before the roads were angerous--a reason I never go out on New Years.... I have the babies for the night and I might add that the toddlers are terrors.




My life has been very busy. I am absorbing all I can for Lachy and have learned massive amounts of information. Research of Aspergers is cutting edge but there is still tons that needs to be done. Right now L is in Orlando geting a 12 hr EEG. Neurobiological and an Autism spectrum disorder, I am curious as to the interpretation of his results. That is not womthing I have researched but it is my understanding that the cause will not show up on an EEG.