ENOUGH!!!!!

I cannot believe the calamity that has been the last two weeks.  I have had the police at the house twice for stolen medication and a stolen car.  I have bailed G out of juvi and had to pick I up for W for stealing.  G also is charged with marijuana.  while in custody she got another charge.  He also thought it a good idea to empty my bank account so there is no Easter Bunny coming to my house this year.  May not suck for her but  I have a 12, 9, 7, 6, 4 and 3 year old that are going to wonder what is going on.  Not that they don't see the chaos.  ALL this and I am taking them to church but getting no help even when I blatantly ask for it.  I don't understand how D manages to get people to do stuff for him all the time but I struggle.  The divorce is also going to be a struggle.  He claims he will leave if I want him to but I know he won't.  I have allowed him to ruin so much of my life and I fear he is just going to ruin the rest of it.  I lost a relationship with J because of him.  I kept telling him to go and he wouldn't.  I guess being alone is what I am meant to be.  I am having such a hard time directing these kids and every day seems like it is a struggle.  My mom is an empty shell as well as my dad now that H is buried.  Dad visits her grave every week and mom can't deal..  I am trying to process her death while dealing teen bs and growing children.  Who has it harder?  It is not a contest but I really want a hug that isn't attached to a three year old.  An adult cannot depend on their kids to build them up.  I cannot believe the sense of loss I have.  And dealing with the egocentrism I am on a daily basis is tearing me apart.  What does it take for kids to "get it".  I am bone weary tired.

This is where I would like to stay:

 

Cotton ball, my childhood teddy bear is hiding under the covers.  It has been a BAD week.

Why a blog

I HAVE wondered what made me decide to blog and yesterday is a prime example.  6 am wake to last nights mess--remove trash and dishes from living room and get T up for school.  He hates to get up and insists still that I provide each item of clothing while he lies in bed.  Otherwise the morning drags out with me doing a countdown every five minutes until I go in and dress him. T is out the door, I putting on make up so she can come while I do headstart and kindergarden registration.  Total chaos trying to do two applications simultaneously since two different women were in charge.  Repeadly asked to quiet down for someone was testing so I ask I to take the kids out and she starts argue!!! WTF, making the noise I AM TRYING TO AVOID.  This AFTER we discovered the car liked its windsheild wipers running and sometime in the night they started ripping the wiper to shreds.  Pulling fuses solved that temporarily but I am plagued knowing I dropped a fuse and have no idea what it was for.  Oh well.  The car is running ?  We will see for how long.  Today, I get to tie T's shoes because he is too lazy or too right brained to do it for himself.   I am seeing them out the door now.

Now today my plan is not to leave the house but I need to run down to WIC.  Since the Library is next door we might as well go spend an hour or so.  E is still not going smoothly with E.  Hopefully the library will spark some interest in reading.  She hates it and struggles so I research and research but cannot find that one thing that will make reading come alive.

Now what to do with my 25 lbs of carrots.  I am searching the net today for somethingd  that the kids will like besides cut up carrots and dressing.  Tonight I will parboil then fry with maple syrup and a bit of brown sugar along with tempeh and cucumbers and tomatoes.  The key is going to be--does this spot get filled with recipes I find and love or does it remain as barren as it is now.  Talking ABOUT it and ACTUALLY producing something are two entirely different beasts.  Thank Good I have cut hours of facebook out of my day.  I don
don't know how I was getting anything done.

Tired of loss

Someone I thought was a true friend turned on me and is now bad mouthing me to everyone.  He won't even talk to me.  It is so reminiscent of my 8th grade friend who decided to not talk to me anymore and no longer be my friend with no explaination.  He and his ex are ripping me apart like they do everyone else.  And calling me names.  How grown up!  Adults work things out.  Children take their ball and go home.

Enough of that.  Homeschooling is becoming a challenge and I am researching to find something engaging for E.  She is fighting me every time she has to do any work and I am frustrated.  Back to my research.....

Up early and time is still flying

Looks like I am taking on another homeschooler.  G is so far behind from being in the hospital that she will not be able to catch up.  Today I will withdraw her from school and set her up online.  I know I am strong but I am apprehensive especially since I don't have "I'm letting your father deal with it" to fall back on.  I am on my own.  No parents to call, no friends left--they went with J and I was warned a year ago about him by his lying ex.  Yet I chose to believe in him.  Big mistake opening myself up again.  The pain is BAD.

Anyway this is not going to be where I whine overly much.  I am going to start saving all the wonderful things I come across here and celebrate my new life.  O I am researching programs for reticent children namely E.  And I think  is so far behind they are going to keep him back.  Where is the testing they should be doing for these kids.  As usually,  need to do it myself! So much research to do and it gets larger every day.  And having gotten up at 5 am I am not sure I am going to wow myself today!.  This is a process when I want instant results.  

This is our eldest daughter G and the skeleton in the background is Is.  This happens while I sleep.  Homeschooling has made these girls the treasures they are.

Hello and welcome to imperfect me!

A typical day?

Today is parent teacher conference day for F.  He is in 1st grade and insists he should be homeschooled.  We will discuss this with his teacher.  I believe it is because he hates to wake in the am.  I am trying to get to know F lately.  He really dislikes affection and is especially wary of me since I made him pee himself from tickling him.  Oh well.  Parenthood is full of boo boos.

I am learning a lot lately about the kids.  This is my focus as I had been wasting so much time on things better left unsaid.  I am definitely human, with many faults and foilbes.  I have birthed ten children who are age 23 to 2 as I write this.  (the overachiever part of me wants JUST ONE MORE LOL).  I shuld mention my 22 yo DD Gi has boy and girl twins and is presently expecting that makes me Nanny, nena, nonie--I am not sure has of yet and would love to post a poll!  Oh I am 43, anticipating menopause and love a good fight.  I do not like lies and am flabergased at the human races's necessity tomake themselves look better.  Here you will find all my mistakes and everthing we do during our time homeschooling 3 out of 8 that are still home.  I hope I can find important links that help my homeschooling organizations and that may change yours.  I really home other hsers find ME so I can follow them too! 

Back form the conference.  F is doing great and at the top of his class.  Yet, he still got a 10 % on his spelling test.  Right now he is out cold on the couch having caught a stomach bug.  Poor little man.

Is was dropped from math today and I need to log in to see where she is in her other courses.  She is a trial to get work done.  I wish she would just plow through each course to finish. *th grade is taking to long.