Always bad news?

I have spent as little time as possible these last two weeks focusing on what needs to be done, getting a schedule in place for L and the rest of the kids since their report cards were so bad. I have tutoring scholarships to fill out, school enrollment paperwork, social securty, court papers (divorce is rediculously long to accomplish and FL does not offer legal separation.) and every other thing that comes home with 7 kids from whatever they are working on. Child rearing is lots of work. I had proposed to D that we could co parent but not be together but the only way he is going to get over me is if he is away from me. He should be able to leave as soon as the judge signs off. It has been a month since he put in his request. It will make it easier on me so I am not trying to hide phone calls to lawyers and the loads of paperwork I have been filing. Oh and leagal aid dropped me so I am having to go pro se -- this means more trips to Bartow. And I am not holding my breath on my license. I figure it is going to take at least 4 months before they review and decide. This IS FL. And another thing--Terminix is wanting to tent my house for 4 grand. Sure, I'll just take it out of the bank. PLEASE, it was all I could do to budget the regular service and now they want to charge me $400 a mo. I am going to put cock roach eradication on my list and buy the chemicals myself. So the list grows and grows. I'd better stop since I already have a paper list and was hoping to take at least a half a day off.

Through all this, thoughts of H woke me. It is 4 in th emorning and I am looking at her highschool senior picture. It makes me so sad. I am so glad she is out of pain but the pain she has left behind is unconsionable. I am trying not to dwell and I am using all my own advice. I blogged enough about suicide recovery to know that I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I can only make the rest of my life as pleasant as possible and that is removing those things that make me unhappy. C has told me so many times to be strong and it comes and goes. R reminded me that I have a set back but I am strong enough to overcome it after I have been gentle with myself for the need to mourn or be depressed. My episodes are getting fewer--at least I hope that is what I am seeing. I think the suicide msg boards and the necessity to learn about my son's diability has kept me focused. Not to mention, I have to sit at the computer rather than use my notebook in my bed. I need to stay out of bed unless it is with someone I am spending time with.....on that front. I really cannot return any mesages I have gotten becasue D still believes he owns me. SERVE him already! Since words mean nothing. Sadly, I do feel badly for him since he had such a shitty life HOWEVER I allowed him to nearly destroy me. The empty shell is being filled again and it has nothing to do with him. How does "I just want to be friends" sound? How about I just want to be exes and have you pay me child support if you can keep a job. Oh yeah, he lost another one. No energy to laugh even though I called it. Six weeks, he claims but I am sure it was less. Life is flying by.




"It is important to know that people can and do survive loss by suicide. They are forever altered and may never stop missing their loved ones, but they do survive and go on to lead meaningful and contributory lives."

http://www.allianceofhope.org/alliance-of-hope-for-suic/

I will be placing her on this memorial wall too. I need to come up with 250 words for a "message" and Alphaville Forever Young is the song I will forever connect with her. Now for that tattoo. I have to reschedule and make the time. Since I did not get the one year anniversary of her death to complete it, I am trying for her birthday.

It is time to truly make my life meaningful. No more just getting by. Right now I am working at a better relationship with my kids. My love life (or lack thereof) can come latter, if at all. G pointed out that I do not trust so I need to work on that too. I keep people at arms length and now that I don't have my mom to talk to I have been calling Amy and Aunt Phyllis. In my despair, I believed I had noone but in reality, I am the one pushing people away and it has got to stop. Otherwise I am going to end up the crazy cat lady.



Another board I need to log into.
http://www.suicideforum.com/

My new endeavor. ASPERGER'S

After trying to get my children the tutoring help they need, I also must add the study of Asperger's Syndrome to my area of expertise. This is best done with a separate blog. I have done some research but there is much to learn. Today is the Behavioral Therapist in Orlando. She will become part of my life as his visits are scheduled every two weeks. Speech therapy is Tuesday and Friday. Yesterday's IEP appointment did not reassure me but the verdict must remain out or nothing wiwll be accomplished. I am trying to not be quick to judge even though I have been trying to get an appt since SEPT. OKAY then. New blog.

http://aspergersandnumbernine.blogspot.com/

Suicide recovery. . . grief goes on

Some people dwell on the past, some plan for the future and others will struggle to get through today…

http://www.stampoutsuicide.org.uk/



Two weeks of bed and tears necessitated research on suicide--probably becausce the thought has passed through my own mind more times than I care to admit while I poured out angst I did not know I still had inside. I placed Holly's name on the Suicide Memorial Wall this morning and joined a British suicide board to connect with others. (Since I loath crowds of people, life is safer behind the computer.)

http://www.suicidememorialwall.com/index.php

I am not sure when it will show up as it has to be reviewed but I will be watching my email. Actually, it is now up:

Our, Holly Ann Davis (37)
14 February 1975 -
12 July 2012
Yarmouth, Massachusetts

I also sent in information to Collateral Damage. This is a project to photojournal the faces of those left behind.

http://leftbehindbysuicide.org/

ABOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE
“Collateral Damage: Images of Those Left Behind by Suicide,” will be a book of portraits, a website and gallery exhibition, telling the stories of people who have lost loved ones through suicide. When I was 16, my father took his own life. Although I have always been honest and open about how he died, I often felt I was left to deal with my pain and recovery in solitude - my grief paralyzed by the social stigma associated with such an act. Even now, 27 years later, I still have so many questions.
Through this book of images, I hope to find some answers and at the very least, start a long, overdue conversation.

Where am I today? I am bereaved. Suicide is so evil because while one is in the moment, no other alternatives seem viable.

There is also this: the person you are most angry with for taking your loved one away is your loved one. They are, in a strange way, the only one to blame. This incongruent despair mixes with destructive self-blame and blame directed at anyone we feel responsible—for not seeing the signs, not being home at the time, not making sure our loved one took their medication, not keeping medication locked up.

The expression “time heals everything” does not often apply to suicide survivors. The bereavement process is complicated not only by the natural feelings of grief and loss, but by the guilt and the stigma associated with suicide.


"I am a suicide survivor. Mistakenly, many think the term refers to people who have unsuccessfully attempted suicide. The term actually refers to a family member or friend who has lost a loved one to suicide.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 38,364 people committed suicide in the United States in 2010 (the most recent statistic available)—a figure greater than the number of people in the U.S. who died in car crashes that year.

It is generally estimated that every suicide leaves behind six suicide survivors. The New York State Office of Mental Health says this may be a low estimate, and quotes numbers closer to 28 suicide survivors per suicide victim.

When those numbers are compounded, “since, on average, 1,200 New Yorkers die by suicide each year, the latter estimate means approximately 60,000 people qualify as suicide survivors each and every year. This is equivalent to the population of the city of Utica.”

So what do we all do? We search one another out. We share the thoughts that people untouched by suicide just do not understand. Hell, we don't even understand it! If I did, I would not ocntinue to get a grip. I found this 12 step for grieving suicide:

Step One: Try to gain insight into why people I knew and loved took their own lives.

Step Two: Share my feelings of guilt over not being able to stop them.

Step Three: Listen to others' heart-wrenching stories.

Step Four: Cry.

Steps Five through Twelve: Repeat steps one through four.

And that is how I am coping.

Holly, your baby turned 16 last month. I bet she wished you were there. I know I wish you were.

Another morning of tears

I really am stuck. A week has gone by and my eyes are burning so badly I want to cry, wait, that is the reason they are burning!


I HURT like it just happened. A solid week of uncontrolled tears. Life has stopped like never before. Just stopped--it has no choce really for I have stopped. I sit and I cry. No, it isn't crying. Crying would be a few shed tears. This is a deluge of emotion that I have no conoing to gtrol over. The deep, soul deep sobbing begins in my gut--or is it my heart? It seems to swap off for when one part of my anatomy feels like it is ready to perish, another takes over. My biography is working its way out of my biology and the pain is intese. I have not meaourned like this! It has taken 15 months! What is wrong??? Was I using J as a distraction to the point that I really did not process what I had thought I had? Now with the loss of both C and J and the endof a marriage in view, I have isolated myself --so I could feel this deeply and hide? My memorial is all the more important to complete when I feel like I can get out of bed again. I know today has to be the end of hiding in bed for the week is full, followed b another right behind it. Life goes on? No it doesn't. It doesn't go on. It is not the same life. It will never be the same life. My whole falily has been destroyed. I don't know that woman who looked through her boxes in the garage. She used to be my mother. My kids have lost a grandmother through this.

Here is the schedule making me physically sick:



Please let me run away!!! I have just taken on sigle motherhood at 44 with 8 kids! What is next? Half my lif eis gone. I will never share having kids with anyone else. Noone wants to raise my kids. I will be resonsible forevrything and have noone to share with. WWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. This was not supposed to be my life, marriage, children...

The dam couldn't handle a finger any more

I didn't sleep last night. I decided that the Defenders of the Constitution promted me to analyze the Bill of Rights. Today was spent with Gi and M wrapped in my arms. Mum and Dad delivered H's Acura to G and it was nice that she could fit every baby into a seat. What she did to the truck however, has really ticked him off. It is waitng in the driveway for brakes--calipers and all.

Today I cry. While I slept a bit, I have regressed a couple months. Opening the driver's door to H's car left me fleeing in tears. They are plauguing me now. I watch the Duggars and I mourn for what I did not have. Josh and Anna's wedding is on and I am crying --so reiculous! I made my choices and now play out the other half of life. Oh, I plan something better but as Steinbeck said "the best laid plans of mice and men..." don't often work out as planned.

I have been trying to join a parenting group because my personality is too easy on my kids. I would say I wish I was a task master but luckily for my kids, they have a mum they can talk to and that doesn't make them do things that are my responsibility. Chore charts are up and each chore is worth 7 minutes of computer time. Having lived derision and disrespect toward the human race, it is expected that my kids need to be bribed. They are keeping their rooms clean and tidying areas they use. The main probelem is keeping feeod in one area. Terminix won't be here for another 6 days to spray inside and out. Cock roach babies are white and I have them birthed all over my counter each morning. Filling the sink to do dishes sucked.

So, since I have separated from emotion as best I can (anger is a sufficient sheild), these tears are bothersome. Where is the regression? As usual, LIVESTRONG helped:

The testing phase requires that you adjust to an environment without your loved one. These adjustments can be both physical and emotional, but cannot occur until after you have experienced the profound sadness of loss. You may need to find new ways of doing things, make lifestyle changes, or engage in self growth and exploration.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/133915-stages-grief-after-year/#ixzz2iZm4mH2X

PROFOUND SADNESS, PROFOUND SADNESS. Were you sad Rob as you stood over my sister's headstone??? Did you play the part of the grieved ex when you were a major part of her pain? You took her kids! You took away her reason! Have you no clue what that does to a woman? We carried that child! Yes, WE--all women who have been destroyed because a man does not want to pay child support! Your family owns a fucking company! And it hurt you to do your duty as a father? Yup, destroy and malign the mum--you can afford the lawyers. My family feels they have to coddle your spoiled ass so they do not get cut off form C,C and T. I spit on you and I don't spit. THANK YOU LORD that J took my id for whatever reason. Otherwise a quiet ceremony would have gone ALL wrong. Now that M is ready to talk about her loss, we have been spending a lot of time on the phone. I guess he is truly the first of her close circle that I have grieved with. Yes, MY ex.....

I HATE this! Make it stop! I cannot keep drugging myself to sleep!


I am sure recent and pending losses and MAJOR changes have to do with another revealuation. For this moment, though, I am shutting down for a bit.

When everything appears to be going wrong...

I am so unsure of myself that I am a nervous wreck. My anniversary sucked and the going out part was the good part even though my mind was on someone else. UGH, I even called him which I wish I had not done. It is impossible to get over someone if you can't get them out of your head. I guess I need to try really hard to focus on myself. So what do I have on my list of things to be selfish? I took photos of me with my extra weight and have started a strict exercise program. It is hard for me to force myself to participate in my own torture but it is better than being subject to blatant abuse
--the sick thing is that he does not see it as abuse and when I start screaming NO he still doesn't get it. I now need trauma couseling as well as the kids who have been witnessing screaming and knowing they have no way to save me. Do I dare wrtie that I just got off the phone with him and told him yet again it is over. He has ruined sex for me. I don't want to be touched because he has made sure to hurt me--and he thinks I like it! One would think the screaming would give it away that I was not enjoying myslef. Again I want to throw up that I let him touch me. It isn't like I had much of a choice--I can't run faster than him and it is my own fault that I let him "date " me for anyone of his ilk would expect payment. It was a steeper price than I wanted to pay. I have misunderstood the aterm torture until recently. I am going to have to take some serious time to come to terms with the the systematic onslaught.

Now I am waiting until 8 am to make call. Legal aid is taking too long. Everything seems to be taking longer than I want. If I can get the paperwork through the courts before mum and dad leave, I can go with them, close this infested house up that I am incapable of taking care of andhings screw taking care of a pool. I will push myself hard. I have so many hings going on right now I am ready to crawl into bed--old behavior. fortuntley I will be seeing my psychiatrist to evaluate. Meds that is.. I have evaluated my lide, found it laking and am very sure I am taking the right steps. Legail aid finally returned my call and I guess I just wait. This is the story of my life. Waiting for things to get better. This time I am doing the footwork. Please, dear Lord strengthen me becasue it is a long uphill battle and I am dealing with so many pesonalities. The next phone call is for a parenting classso I can learn more than the computer is teachingme and I can have some adult interaction. Part of my mental illness results in my isolation, This makes it harder to deal with life. So before my parents and G arrive, I am working through this pile of paperwork. I am ready to cry since I have called S four tiems and keep getting cut off and now they want me to try back at a different time.....right, cross it off, add it, cross it off add it back to the list. aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Just focus on the prize. I will be rid of the thorn in my side. I cannot believe I can feel scared and exhilerated at the same time.

seventeen years. . . of what?

D and I went out for our 17th wedding anniversary. The night was punctuated by me being unhappy. He tipped 30 % becasue I sent my salmon back. So dinner was a dissappointment. Then we went to smoke cigars. (Our time in the cigar bar would have been far more appealing sitting beside someone else). Buying boxes was fun but they needed a humidore to keep the cigars in for they were very dry. Afterward all hell broke lose and it is another experience that is best forgotten. It will be hard to forget this is our last anniversary. I will never be with anyone else long enough to reach 17 years nor will I raise children with anyone else. I will divulge that information gleaned from D made me all the more determined that he be removed from the chidren's lives. If my medication didn't keep me so numb, I would have to throw up. I will be far more inquisitive of people I let into my life. I found out things about him---OH GOD. He didn't have a chance and his chance with me was destroyed becasue of what he has lived. I cannot overlook it. Anyone with common sense would have gottem themselves out of the predicament that was my engagement because they would have realized that if the sight of someone raises your hackles then you may not want to be around them. I am going to continue on my medication since it enables me to remove myself and remain aloof until he is served. I have put all my paperwork in and have gradually moved down my extensive list of things to do so that I am prepared to be in charge of everyone and actually get them to cooperate. If we can get this house in Mimi order--I will consider my efforts successful. They should be here at any moment.

Here is the shortest way to express the mood for number 17:


What ia missing is more important than what is depicted. The girls loved the cigar boxes and I am going back to get some more. Iz took 4 and Gwen two leaving me with 2. I am also looking on ebay to see if they sell and what ones are worth the most. I got some great boxes and as much as I know that cock roaches love boxes, I cannot part with them. Speaking of, I killed white baby roaches today which precipitated research. I am doing everything I can to not think about my waking dreams. I kept trying to hug H3 and my arms were only grasping air. Thank God for Klonipin. It took two and pacing to bring my heart rate down. We were sharing a room together on Wimbledon Dr--something we never did. I am sure the fighting beween the girls and who is going to share with whom brought this about. None wanted to compromise. In a family this size, that cannot be. Just another issue to write down. . . . My Action list never shortens. I have dentist appt's again. I was sure we just completed them!