Does it fade?

I am taking a break from my highly emotional day to write this one thing. I am in love with a man that is not my husband. I will never stop loving him no matter rediculaous the whole situation seems. Rather, IMPOSSIBLE. I dream, think, long for him. Please guide me. oh Blogger for I am beyond lost.



Goodbye, 16 years. It was fun knowing you....NOT. See ya, rings and all they entail. Therapy today, Thank God. She is going to think I am off my rocker the more she gets to know me. At least I can honestly say I never purposely try to hurt people. I just do it and realize what I have done in hindsight. That has got to stop. I also need to stop trying to make sure everyone else is okay even when I am miserable. I am done being miserable. I hope to get to talk to C today. I really need a friened especially as I put in place G's probation requirements. Lord only knows how much helping her is going to cost me. Time to hop on over to ebay and list some more stuff. Fortunately most is just relisting and them I can be through with fitted diapers and wool forever.



This is it for my wool, having paid over 100 for what is seen. I may gross 25 if lucky but the clutter will be gone.

Long day

My dearest son Myles is about to graduate from U mass. Bravo. I wish I had taught my kid to be more diligent. Having babies and finishing degrees may have been easy for me but they are not me. I have to spend more time explaining how privledged I really was. Now to come up with the perfect gift.-----pocket protector.

System restore

How I wish life were this way

Darth Lord

Princess

                                                    MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU

Happy Star Wars Day to my fellow fans.......

When will the pain end?

After all the lose I have experienced, I wonder when the tears will stop. I had a breakdown last night and I don;'t even remember it. I want to buy the house on the cape back so I can see H walk through it. I am dwelling in this pain and it hurts so badly I want to start screaming and never stop. There is no end until I see her in heaven. OH I MISS YOU SOOOOOO!!!!!! Why did you have to go? Was it really that bad? I want to call you. I want to hug you. I want to know you are somewhere out there hating me. I want to know you are breathing. Instead, you are a pile of ashes, not even given the chance to decay. Your youth is guaranteed I look at your photo every day hoping the pain will lessen, hoping I will come to terms with your loss. Instead, I am in a maelstrom and I cannot get out. The pressure of the wind seeks to take my breath. The pounding of the waves pull me under but not for the relief death will bring but only to torture me. I wake from my dreams before I can touch you. I see you when you were my friend and you and I talk. Then I wake. It is almost a year and I cannot wrap anything around the reality. I seek to obliviate myself for my reality seems to suck the life out of me. Alas, I still wake. I still move through the days with you fore front in my thoughts. "if only" resounds through my barely functioning brain. Every decision I make remains suspect because I am not thinking clearly. It has become an impossibility. There is so much mess behind me that I have not even begun to heal from this. Will I ever? Please don't go. Please come back. I love you so.

H, I gave my heart to someone. I thought I was finally happy. I was for a brief moment in time. I understand a broken heart. Talk to me. I will hold your hand. We can mourn together. I want you to know I am always here for you. My dearest baby sister. Please let me help you through this. You'd be surprised at the wisdom I now have. And you can help me through my divorce. I don't know what I am doing. I am scared and I need someone. You are so needed. So very loved. Holding you in my heart is going to make it implode. It hurts. Please come back and take away some of this pain. The rest I will process, but your loss is a mountain I keep slipping down. I cannot reach the precipice. Will I ever.

Where do I go from here?

D asked me for 4 months to see if I could possibly want to be with him anymore. I have made it through a bit over two weeks and I am amazed at how much hurt I really have. I am remembering things from years ago and I am still angry. Not just mad but outright pissed. I don't see me ever forgiving him enough to want to spend what little is left of my life with him but I didn't have the heart to say no. Probably because I needed rest and with the father of my kids here, it has allowed me to rest after two months of being everything to everyone. I thought it would get easier when the kids grew but they need more now than ever. I spent yesterday cooking and on the phone to straightened G's mess out. She has court this week and I am not sure how it is going to work out. I just do not want to deal with probation. This month is also the month of follow up. All those fabulous dentist appts just led to more appt's and now I am working through all the cavities with more 3 hour dental days. Since I am blaming everything on me I might as well take on the guilt about not getting them there sooner.

Anyway, at the end of 4 months, he has agreed to file without giving me any grief. Please let that remain the case. I really don't need any more aggravation. And I really like being single. I like the idea of dating, something for me and not just settling. I wonder how those dating sites work. Not that I can see me selling myself. Too insecure for that and I am not looking to just find someone for "stress relief". I want a real relationship where I am loved beyond reason. Somewhere out there is the person I am really supposed to be with. He just isn't the man who is here now.

How much?

recyling after I decided being an alcoholic made more sense than being with my soon to be ex. Note the many many beer bottles. This is just sad.

Onion soup and french bread: Cooking at home with the girls

This is my all time favorite recipe for onion soup. The bread recipe I found in Fannie farmer's cookbook and it is excellent. Using half wheat flour makes a moist hearty laog.

French bread



2 cups warm water
2 table spoons dried yeast
Mix together dissolve yeast
2 table spoons of sugar
4 table spoons of melted shortening
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups of flour, add up to 3 cups more flour
mixer of white and wheat until dough
pulls away from the side of the bowl

Put in the ball in a greased bowl cover it until it doubles in size. Punch it down, split it and make it into two loaf sized pieces.

Onion Soup




Sautee 5 onions in 3 TBS butter until soft
add 1 TBS sugar and flour
add 4 c beef broth, 1 c water and soy sauce
add 1 tsp worchester shire sauce
cook forever then serve with slice of french bread and shredded cheese